Hi to those checking in on my life...

How is OHSU? Hectic! And yet, its one of the most relaxed departments I've ever worked in. Or shall I say lazy? No, maybe disorganized is the better word. But! This is a department that is adjusting to a lot of change and so of course things will be lacked and disorganized. Also, they do not have near enough staff. They could use at least two people for data administration and billing. It is insane how much paperwork there is to do and how much filing needs to be done. I appreciate the opportunities that I see where I could make a noticeable difference, but just how much there is to do is overwhelming. I just want the people that deal with the office to feel like they were well taken care of and I want to do what I can to help them feel that. But, there is so much I do not know and that I can not do.

Second, I've worked there 11 days and spent $110 in parking. That really irks me! I work in the freaking parking dept, but did anyone share with me where the park and rides were, or where there was residential street parking that would not get me a city ticket, or what the best TriMet options were, or give me cost analysis of paying for what may seem like a large $73 shuttle pass vs $10/day, or how long it takes to walk approx from certain places? No. Not until this week and only because I groaned that I had spent $90 in parking, and even then I had to essentially corner them. Not that it was necessarily their fault that I had to corner them...the office is ADHD with all that goes on; phones ringing almost non-stop, people walking in all the time, and then there is the computer/paperwork/emails.

What about my living situation? It is as flexible and as variable as I imagine it could be. This week I kept my suitcase in the trunk and just took in a small overnight bag into each place that I stayed. This only bothered me when I knocked on someone's door at 2 am to sleep (drove up for Lebanon that night) and when I felt that I was moving Natty G around too much.

Things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my sister. She is incredibly good-natured about my insanity of things and I appreciate it so much. I am thankful for my family in Lebanon who is taking excellent care of Hannah and Noah. I know that my kids are well-loved and cared for. I am also thankful for my other sis who desires to look out for and care for my kids as much as she can, in the ways that she can.

Finally, and to whom I would wish to post a longer thanks to, but won't, I am thankful for Jeff. What has he done? Well, since he met me , whenever I have needed a computer (that no one else might need) and a quiet room where I could shut the door-he has been willing to let me use his. He has let me (and Nat) crash on his couch(s) when the idea of driving back to the other side of town seemed too much and he has watched Nat- and enjoyed it. (Oh! I have a story about that!) In a sense, our relationship doesn't dictate this as a "social requirement" but he has been indulging and for that I am thankful.

Okay the story. So on Wednesday I was supposed! to help K (ex-wife) pack her things so that she could move without as much work this upcoming weekend. To make the job go easier and without much distraction I had asked Jeff to watch Nat while I did this. He agreed and took her with him and his daughter to the mall. At one point I guess they were walking too fast for Nat and he asked her if she wanted to be carried, but she said, "no." Well, soon after she changed her mind. Now before he picked her up he laughingly said, "Now Nat, no peeing or farting while you're on my shoulders, k?" She laughed and said, "okay" So he picks her up, puts her on his shoulders and than makes a funny discovery...Nat had already peed her pants! Apparently she was too embarassed earlier to tell him that she had needed to go potty and he having older kids really couldn't recognize the 'potty dance'. :) (lol) I laughed so hard when I got his txt!

What happened with that - " I was supposed! to help"? Ummm, no comment!

Okay I'm done. I'm tired and I've got kids to get ready for bed and an exam to study for. Oh, I am so glad that I dropped down a class this term. So glad.

Not too much to say...

Mario and her family move out next week into their new home.

Kids seem to be doing alright. Natalie enjoys being in PDX.

Work is alright. Department is going through a lot and I expect that there will be some substantial changes in the future. Today I got the opportunity to take the extra step in customer service and I realized that I LOVE doing that.

Parking is a bitch. Oops, did I say that? Let me rephrase that...parking is a whore. I've spent too much on day passes and yet have just worked out the whole traffic/clock thing-barely. :) And now I must figure out how to make more adjustments so I can actually afford to work my job...frustrating! Not frustrating on a truly frustrating level-just a sort of 'groan' frustrating.

Life in general= good. :)

Not much to say really...

OHSU is an intimidating place for a newbie. (lol) My first day was feeling lost and uncertain, but things seemed a little better the 2nd day. At least on the 2nd day I was better prepared for walking the distance to the office and I knew where I could get coffee and a bagel for lunch. :)

I'm still disoriented because I didn't get that 'sit-down' conversation about how things go, benefits, etc., but I think I can learn by observing, listening, and asking questions. (lol) There is also a New Employee Orientation that I get to attend, but it is not for another week.

I'd like to share my thoughts about the office thus far, but as I am a newbie and don't know the story of the dept. etc - I think I will hold myself. :)

Logistics changed a bit and now I will not be staying with my sis in PDX, but my friend who also works at OHSU. Mario will watch Nat, but for temp. residence I will stay with my friend. This seems better for everyone. Jeff called me a 'nomad' once (in jest) and somehow that really got under my skin...because it feels so true. I just have to remind myself that it is all temporary. :)

You, family and friends, have been absolutely wonderful. The responses I got back about Jeff were so kind and sensitive. I just want to assure you that everything is fine and that I am not bothered in any way. This is a good thing. We still talk, we just are not attempting a relationship. But, it warmed my heart to feel your love and hear your kindness. Here is a hug to you, and you, and you, and... :)

Good day everyone! love you!

Brief update

So, I decided to take the OHSU job despite the fact that it does not cover expenses adequately. I can manage this fact til about the end of summer (because the kids are going to ND for awhile) and in the meantime I will continue to hunt for higher paying jobs. While the wage may not be sufficient, the benefits of the "Hill" are said to be the best in the state. Or at least PDX.

I have also downsized my apartment need from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom. This saves me a bit of money every month and! gives me more housing options. I will find myself a decent/comfy hide-a-bed and an apartment with a large living room. :) It doesn't have to be considered as my "forever" option.

Kids are doing well. Noah and Hannah are comfortable with the idea that I will be gone M-F in PDX and home on the weekends. I'll drive to PDX on Sunday evenings and drive back down on Fridays after work. Natalie will travel with me and be at Mario's house while I work. This is all the plan so far...

Mario and Derek have signed the papers on their new home. It is theirs at the end of April. Yeh to them! (it makes me want to cry because they have sacrificed and worked so hard for this)

Jeff and I are...hmmm, I don't know know how to describe it because I don't think that we ever decided that we were something, but it definitely seemed to take a road of its' own and we were just going for the ride...until today. There is too much going on in the background of my life and that stuff really needs to be taken care of first. Jeff has a lot of sense and maturity; he made this call because he can see things that I couldn't and am still having difficulty looking at. I'm going to go out on a limb of thought here, but I'm going to say that I think Jeff has a lot of faith, or trust, that I will deal with what is in the background and has hope that I will emerge more healed, restored, and with a better sense of self. I have a lot of respect for his decision, a lot.

I believe that what we appreciate about one another will continue to be there and give us the right "formula for friendship", so I am not worried about Jeff disappearing. I don't think he needs to worry about me disappearing either. I have plans to work him out with some hard hikes this summer! :) (lol) And, I can't just walk away from someone who likes my kids. No, not just "yeah i like your kids" type of thing, but actually likes them. (though they are quite lovable) Plus, he babysits this absolutely adorable dog and we just recently got a connection going. Do you know how long it took before she stopped barking every time she saw me, or didn't run away if I tried to pet her? Man, I'm not giving that connection up for anything! :) (lol)

TTFN.

How do you make something become a reality when it looks like what you say is not what is real? Have you been deceiving yourself?

How do you become that which you want to become? Is what you want to be something that is within your abilities? Or are you imagining something that you can not be because of your intrinsic nature?

If you make a decision on a risk, will you always think of what the logical decision was? Could that make the risk turn into failure?

Scared...

But before i share why because I know that whenever anyone says they're scared...everyone is curious why. You're just going to have to wait. :)

Good news first. I just got a job offer (well, still have to pass the drug test and background check, but we all know it will be clean) from OHSU. Probably starting next Wednesday. Now, it is just a matter of logistics with family, etc.

I am so glad that I got the offer. Two reasons, I was getting tired of the job searching because I found it depressing and I need an income. I believe that working again will also bring my spirits back up-they were getting a bit low. (lol) Yesterday I had a job interview that seemed feasible, but than upon closer examination it appeared that there were too many flaws or risks. However, today while I was searching I found two jobs that seem very intriguing. Should I apply and see? Just in case. But, these other jobs may require more than a M-F 8-5 sort of work. However, they'd be a bit more exciting, though maybe not as stable income wise. However, that also means I could make MORE than the OHSU job. Just out of curiousity I think I'd give it a try. Sometimes the greatest opprotunities are found through taking a risk.

Oh, you don't want to hear about that anymore. You want to hear about why I'm scared? Sheesh, what if i don't want to tell you now?

Ah, alright...so I just have had an emotional couple of days. Why? Hmmm, just have. Consider forming a relationship like standing on a thin wire and sometimes things happen, or information is shared, or thoughts are had, and than that thin wire begins to shake. One of two things can, or will, happen - one, the two people grab for one another to steady themselves as the wire shakes or two, one of the persons decides to get off the thin wire. Oh, wait. There could be a third possibility, the third is that the two people grab to steady and than one decides after the wire stops shaking that that was too scary and THAN gets off. (Bet all you relationship mathmeticians can come up with more possibilities than that even!) Point is, the thin wire I am standing on shook. I'm still feeling the vibrations in my core. I believe I will for a long time. What happened? Let me just say that decisions I made a short time ago, and that I knew were against what I believed and wanted to stand for, have come back to haunt me. If you are reading this and truly believe that you do not reap what you sow...yes you do! It is the Gospel Truth. Anyway. Decision was made to go with feelings vs thoughts. But!!!! The shadow of the thoughts will linger in the background. As eloquently said, "It is like the saying, "It is easier to forgive than it is to forget" and while that saying does not apply to what is happening, it is the same principle." So I stand with gratefulness in my heart, and fear in my spirit.

Know what I thought later? No. Why can't you read my mind...i can read yours. :) I thought that I should just walk away. Say "thank you" and walk away. But, when I said that to myself I felt a sense of closing down. Like I was shutting something away behind a door, and I realized that I really don't want to do that. I don't know what that 'something' is, but I don't want to put it away either. The analogy that seems to fit is this: it is like having a finger that got broke/hurt/whatever and you stopped using it. Eventually sensation just sort of went away. You don't really mind not having the use of that finger because you've learned how to function without it. Things still work and you manage fine. Than, for whatever reason you go to see a physical therapist and they persuade you to start trying to use the finger again. As circulation is brought back into the vessels of the finger the nerves awaken and tell you that there is pain involved in using the finger again. For the purpose of protecting yourself from pain, and from the fear of that pain, you decide to stop doing what the therapist suggested. However, thoughts start to trickle in and memories start to awaken. You begin to wonder, "what would it be like if I had use of that finger again? Would what I do already just be done more easily? Would it be better?" Memories of the time when you did use the finger and how things were begin to flood back, but darn it all! - there is the pain as the blood begins to flow again and as the joints are forced into movement again. Criminy! What to do?! Move on with a crippled hand because of one finger, or continue doing the therapy and seeing if having the use of all the fingers was worth it?

Me? I feel like I am cheating if I don't give what the therapist suggests at least an effort. So...

Gosh dang it all!! Why does it have to feel so freaking serious?!

I think I'm going to go mentally coccoon for awhile - maybe I'll emerge as a butterfly. :)

PS
So, why do I freakin post such intimate emotional detail on what is obviously a public blog site? Good question. I guess it is because of the instinct to "confess". If I find a better answer in my psychology or communication classes - I'll let you know.

Blah, blah, blah

Thoughts cross my mind like the grass that rolls across the prairie of ND in a summer breeze.


Today the kids opened a box of stuff from their dad. Nat G's birthday was Friday and she turned 4. Hard to imagine that she was once a small baby. I'd like to post pics of that time, but they are all on the old computer in ND. Mark and I were lucky parents-all our babies were adorable and very easy-going. Still are. Whatever faults we may have had with one another we can at least say this, "We made beautiful kids with great personalities." When the kids and I go out in public and I introduce my kids, I'm often told that Natalie is gorgeous. (yeh, I agree) In my mind, Noah is handsome; Hannah is pretty!; and Natalie is beautiful. It is because of her brown doe eyes (she got that from her dad) and her brown curly hair (also from her dad) that frames her angelic looking face. I will post pics later of the kids, but first they are going to get haircuts today. They are needed!

I managed to squeak out a 2.84 this term. (A, B, C+, C). This is because of help from my family, friends, and not working the last month. I hate to say this because I value motivation as an internal source vs an external source, but meeting Jeff kind of put some focus on my school. Why? Ready for the pathetic? Because I value what he thinks and I did not want him to think that he had met a "loser". I am certain that if he felt that way that he would have made appropriate decisions, but nonetheless... I also recognize that my success/failure at school influences my family (because they make sacrifices for me) and my friends (because they believe in me and desire the best for me, they want good things and know I can do it or have it). I am not an island, and I must remember when I feel internally unmotivated-to look at those whose lives' touch my own and see that I am not alone. If I can not find the motivation inside, I guess I will try to find it outside til I am restored inside.

My GPA has done two things for me this term. One, it took me off Financial Aid probation, but two, it put me on Academic Probation. Why? Because my cumulative GPA is less than 2.0. Yeh, I f*#!ed up my first term. My cumulative is 1.85 so I am not that far away, and my goal this term is all As, but will accept one B. :) I also dropped my load down to 9 credits (3 classes) and so I should not find it as overwhelming this term.

Yesterday I was driving over to my sister Mario's house and had a brief moment of "weakness". Actually I wish I didn't see it as weakness. The most I did was hit my steering wheel until my palms hurt (it didn't take much...lol) and refused to give in to the tears that threatened my eyes. Why can't I let myself cry? Lee does, Mario does. But I suck it up and tell myself that, "Now is not a good time. Save it for later." When is later???

I was angry, jealous, and sad. So many things were running through my mind, but I'll spare you. :) It would be too long to read. (lol!)

Well, take care and I'll keep you informed more on the kids later.