Not today

I said that I'd write my thoughts on a book I read, but instead I want to write about the link I mentioned yesterday. Have you read it yet? Did you link to other "This I believe" essays relative to the one below? What was your impression? Your thought?

I am not an agnostic; I believe in God. My preception of God in this Act of "My Life" (one of many) is that God is a name we use to give title to the Presence we feel within our spirit, to what we see within the laws of Nature, and to the explainations that we create when we try to understand our purpose, our reason for existing, and our life as a whole. For example, "why did this happen? ""Why am I suffering through these circumstances?" Or, "why am I so blessed?".

I can not deny what rests within me, and what I feel rises to meet the "voice" of nature when I am outdoors (typically away from crowds, but with my friends/family). I feel empowered when I swim in a mountain lake, or river, and hike amongst the trees or sit along the ocean shore. I feel enamored with life, when I am connected to that Presence, and I usually find it when I am outdoors. When this happens I think that there is something that connects all things in a pattern, and to you; it may be called Allah, or the Great Spirit, but to me and in my limited vocabulary; I call it God.

To say that my God, is better than your God is conceited. Why? because I believe that we feel the same Presence, but through social upbringing and religious community, we are taught how to define it and how to work for it. But strip away all the teachings, strip away all the concepts...and it will still be the same Presence. Connecting us all.

I like what Penn said, that not believing in God makes him treat people better the first time around because there is nothing that will absolve his sin. How many times have we said to ourselves, "You may not have forgiven me, but God has and that is enough for me." Thereby, we eliminate any guilt we may feel for what we may have done to offend the other person. Does that seem right to you?

I also like what someone else said, "I have a simple faith in the Deity and a hope that my attempts to live a decent life are pleasing to Him. If I were to discover that there is no afterlife, my motive for moral living would not be destroyed. I have enough of the philosopher in me to love righteousness for its own sake. ... If I am mistaken, I am too young to realize my error. Sometimes, in a moment of mental despair, I think of the words, "God loves an honest doubter," and I am comforted." I too am comforted by the thought that "God loves an honest doubter".

But again, I do not doubt so much. I believe in something that extends beyond ourselves. Philosophers have been analzying and debating the subject for years, and humanity has always felt a powerful urge to worship something. What I would call my doubt is this, do we need to live our lives' soley on one religious concept and is that religious concept truly the Truth, the Way, and the Life?

Share with me...

Look at this link and tell me your thoughts: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557. And I'll tell you mine.

I have IMS

You have probably heard of IBS, which is Irritatible Bowel Syndrome, well, I have Irritatible Mind Syndrome. Anyone else?

I believe the cause of my IMS is from one, or a combination of, of the following:
* not taking a vitamin
* feeling a lack of a goodnight sleep
* not taking the Efexor XR, as prescribed by my physician.
* kids not listening (the girls) and me having to repeat myself on the very same question that they had JUST asked me 5-10 minutes ago. Repeat x?...until I yell that I will not answer as I have ALREADY answered the question, and just because they do not like the answer does not give them permission to ask it again. AND if they keep it up, they will go to their room.
* a whiny two-three year old who is determined to have things her way, and a four year old who is determined NOT to let her have things her way.
* money...everyone understands this
* a small house with less than 1200 sq/ft and five people. Typically, one person is designated to clean it. (Though there is interception on an occassional basis, which IS appreciated)
* no personal, private space; to relinquish all concerns of the big, wide, scary world that exists outside the doorstep, to study, or to read (due to space indicated above) (and no one gets this in this house, so we all feel this)
* and last but not least, not excercising.

Ahh, expression is good. I feel a tad bit better all ready. (lol) I have work to leave for in 15, and I want to express my thoughts on the book, "Eleven Minutes" by Paul Coehlo, so I will write maybe more tonight.

Not to say that this is providential...as you may have been aware I was contemplating the search for fulltime employment. As it happens, I cold called a company on Monday and spoke with the Human Resource Manager, he enthusiastically told me (or maybe he is just a bubbly person) that he had just been authorized to release an announcement regarding open positions. He asked me to drop off a resume in the next couple of days. While getting ready to leave the house this morning, my husband (he works at this company) called and said that a co-worker's wife does daycare, and just had two openings become available. I called to schedule an appt with this daycare person, and when I asked how many children, she informs me that there are only three kids (now) and two of them are 4 and 3. The ages of my own girls! H has been asking for playmates! Now, I'm not hired yet and there are still kinks to work out, but it is looking good so far. :)

Yesterday I had a moment to chat with my friend (the one who enjoys socializing in fun bars) and I was disheartened. I told her about applying for a full-time position and her reaction was: "You can't do it all. Go to school, work fulltime, and manage a family." It ruffled my hen feathers! She proceeded to explain that she knew someone who tried what I am, and ended up quitting work. I explained that I can NOT quit, and that I will have to do what I need to do to make things successful. And than, the truth of it all came out, she states:"But I'll never see you. You won't have a social life" She wasn't really thinking that I can not do full-time work and school online, she was thinking, "she'll have no time for me". (At least that is my interpertation.) I began to understand her point of view after I soothed my feathers, and picked at some yummy grass, but it bothers me still. I do not know how many times I have said that I can not quit school to her, because we need the resources that it will give us in the future, and yet, she brings it up almost every time we talk. "Why are you doing this? Why not let Mark work more? Isn't serving enough for you?" Just so you understand, a little background check on her: her husband is a Chiropracitor and makes substantially more than we do combined. I try to tell her that she has the resources that she has and the freedom to make the choices she makes because her husband has gotten his doctorate, and while she acknowledges this...it has to be repeated again whenever we get on the discussioon of the value of education. She agrees that education is valuable, but she disagrees that all the sacrifices may be worth it in the end. However, this comes mainly from listening to her husband complain about having to work so hard, and have so little while he pursued a doctorate that he feels he would rather not have. BUT he is now sitting one side of the income line, and we are sitting on the other. Basically, do not be telling someone something wasn't worth what you had to do to get it , "therefore do not worry about getting the degree, etc.", when you have all the things available to you that the other person doesn't.

I have friends, and perhaps family, that feel I am taking on alot, and maybe it is too much. However, they do not tell me that "I can not do it", they instead offer suggestions of pursuing a matter in another way, offer to make time available so that I may have free time, and/or just give me a pat on the back when my spirit seems down. They seem to recognize something within me, and have hope that I will succeed at my ambitions. And in them I see encouragement which keeps me going when I feel low. I also see it in my kids, they are my reason for going to school. Oh, well, yes there is a selfish part too, but I explained all that on another post. :)

Well, got a task to do. So chat with you another time.

KID PICS!!!

Ahhh, isn't that cute?

"No, mom! I CAN feed myself!"

Yumm, sticky gooey marshmallows.

"Mom! You were suppose to stay IN the boat!" as he safely floats on down the river

An American Beauty

Hola. Como estas? Estoy triste porque tuve decir a mi amiga que no puedo ir a su casa. Yo quiero ir a su casa en Diciembre pero tengo no dinero para el viaje. Esta no bien.

In English, I said, "I am sad because I had to tell my friend that I can not go to her house. I want to go to her house in Dec., but I don't have the money to travel. It is no good." Why? Well, the Jeep broke down. I mean, that happens to us all, but it is just the timing. Fixing the Jeep, paying for household expenses, buying Christ-mass gifts, and traveling...not right now. Maybe when I am further along in my schooling and making more money, and/or working full-time. I am still sad nonetheless. This friend has been by my side through a lot, and has always been faithful to me (even though I have failed to send b-day gifts, christ-mass gifts, or just an occassional note to say hi). She was excited to see me, and me by myself!, but now I have to postpone it until another time. *sigh*

Are you wondering where some more pics of my fabulous looking kids are? I was thinking that I had been writing too much about myself and my own world, maybe I was reading your mind. *smile* I can not upload any of those "beyond-adorable" pics right now since I am at work-school, but I will on my next entry. I promise!

Last night I took N and H to see Harry Potter's "Goblet of Fire" with QS. It was a good movie. H got bored and than didn't like the "darkness" at the end, but N liked it. And since there were no scary dreams, I call the movie a success! While standing in line I saw the poster for "SAW II", and I asked QS if she'd see it with me. I really enjoyed the twist at the end of "SAW I", but as QS hasn't seen the last 45 minutes of the first movie, we will have to watch that before seeing the second. Yep, I can not wait! You know, it is nice having a friend(local) who has like interests and is not into socializing in bars? all the time. But that is another discussion for another time, because I need to confess and process some things I harbor, but I've just been given a task to research...so away I go!!

No real thoughts to give on this freakin cold day. I have to admit that while I despise (yes, it is worse than hate) the cold that ND winters' bring, I love seeing the sparkles reflect in the air from miniscule snowflakes, or whatever they are. The air looks like it is carrying diamonds across the land, that is pretty, but then...I get TOO cold to enjoy it for any longer then it takes to get to the car! Also, have you ever noticed that the winter night skies are more beautiful than during summer? The stars are crisp and bountiful. Now I just need to devise a way to sit under them and ponder the magnificence of the universe while being comfortably warm at the same time. Suggestions anyone?

I have a new friend (who is awesome!) and she is unable to eat gluten. Literally, NO gluten. She can not eat oats, for the most part, because most growers and factories cross contaminate their oat with wheat. By using the same plot for growing, the same machinery for harvesting, and the same equipment for processing. Anyway, this revelation in her condition and how it affects our immune systems has made me a lot more aware of wheat and gluten products. (I happen to be allergic to wheat) To my utter dismay, our society's food is based on gluten. As a matter of fact, I am eating a tuna fish sandwich with...bread, which=gluten. I challenge you to this discovery as well, for one day...try to NOT eat gluten. Read the labels and if you even THINK it has gluten in some form or another, do not eat it. Let's imagine that if you were to eat it, you would get sick and feel really sorry that you did. When you have completed this challenge, write me and let me know what you discovered. :) (Note: those outside of ND may find it easier because you have a lot of HEALTH FOOD stores! *sighing in longing for New Seasons*)

This term is almost over...yeh. (muffled due to lack of energy) However! this school thing isn't over yet! (energy bounces back for a quick spell...than leaves) Oh, I was invited by the NDPC (that press conference thingy I did) to join in their Leadership Coalition Conference. Well, I have to work that day, but I have been pondering this for a couple of days and have been talking it over with a couple of smart and intelligent people, and have decided that if I find someone to work for me, I will go. Basically, it was concluded that being part of something like that would definitely be a plus! for my job resume and my academic resume. So while the issue came to; short-term (money) vs long-term(future prospects), myself as well as my friends concluded, long-term was better. Even my fellow employee (luke) said it when he heard me evaluating the options with another fellow employee (Krystal). Well, that made me feel glad that a fellow employee saw the value of doing something besides...working at GM. (lol)

Golly-Gee I have written a lot for not having anything to say. Guess this is what they call "free-writing". Actually I did that for my Sociology paper on Tuesdays with Morrie, and I got a 92/100. Not too bad for completing it the day that it was due! I got deductions for no cover page (was I suppose to have one?) and spelling errors (but I used spell check?!), so all in all, I did o-kay. But I am still getting a darn B in the class! *groaning, but not passionately* I need 5% to get an A, and that is not as easy as it may appear.

As I have just noticed my blog is getting...rather self-centered, I am going to move on with my day now. So, to reitirate; try that challenge and let me know what you find. Adios!

today I discovered...

...that my kitchen floor is actually an off-white, not gray, and that it has blue specks in it.

...that my vacuum cleaner has finally hit its' last leg of the race.

...that it does not matter when you clean the bathroom, kids just make it look like it was never cleaned in the first place.

...cleaning/organizing 1200 sq/ft is faster than approx. 4200 sq/ft. (I didn't mop though) *note to reader who knows: lol!!

...babysitters who call long-distance A.L.O.T are not cool, in my book

...procrastination on essay papers=high stress

...using a left-hand oriented mouse, by a right-hander=frustration!, repeated outbursts of profanity, and the occassional desire to throw the thing across the room (because it is not yours and you cannot change it)

...life is good despite all the interesting things that occur in a day. :)

Not good...

Hey, to all my readers...

there appears to be a website that allows people to "hack" around with information gathered from your license info. Fortunately, you have the option of removing it...if you want to do so go here: http://www.license.shorturl.com/.


Later.

It was interesting to see how nervous I got in front of a microphone. Once I saw the TV crews (only two) and the two newspapers (only two), with their big microphones sitting on the podium; I got those infamous "butterflies". The matter did not draw a lot of attention, and I do not expect that what was said by me and the other person will make it as far as to the House, but it was fun to try something different. I tried to be short and informative, and I think a couple of things I said made it through the blank stares of the reporters, as they seemed to raise their eyebrows in acknowledgement (or was it that scratch they couldn't get to in public?). Anyway, my hands shook, my voice shook, and they said (the NDPC) I sounded like I've taken speech. No, not yet, but does that mean I'd get an "A"? *smile*

I also went to a Pschyology club meeting this afternoon. I originally got handed the baton of advertisment, but now it is in someone else's court because someone got rather upset by being ignored. I do not mind, however, her aggressiveness is something to be desired. She plans to major in Pschy. to be a counselor, but I think she also needs to major in attitude adjustment. You should have seen the look on people's faces when she got hostile, I mean, this was a classroom of adults and there was someone acting like a child. I understand that she has had to fight for just about everything since she was young (her and I have had long talks in the past), but I think she can learn to back off a bit and not give the air of defense all the time. If she comes to all the meetings, I expect some good showdowns. :) :( I feel that she seems to think that WE are creating her problems, not her. Know anyone like that?? Oh, I have to hurry with my spanish lab so that I can go to her house and work on the flyers with her. Interesting...

TTFN

Last night I had a most wonderful experience, I socialized with two women who are genuine in heart, authentic in person, and intelligent. Since I am restricted on names for privacy sake, I'll call them "quiet soul" and "gentle heart". QS is younger than I am and has just applied for graduate Nursing School. (Lee-roy she reminds me of you!) GH is older and is a professor of Spanish at Jamestown College. I was struck with how each of us seemed to represent different phases of a woman's life. (so to speak) QS is young, cute and single; I am married with kids; and GH is older, beautiful and working out the issues of divorce. To top it all off, we are all "interesting" and "weird". :) I just had a fabulous time! Oh, guess what? QS brought me two books to read, how cool is that?! She brought The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes. I have heard great things about The Alchemist so I am excited to read it. I started last night and am impressed thus far. I am eager to see how our friendships play out. QS and GH could be two more on my "life friends" list...*smile*

I have attended our community's Unitarian Congregation twice now, and today was particulary enlightening. It was a "This I believe" day, and three people gave their "testimony". Hearing other people think how I am sort of thinking, and hearing people acknowledge the importance of faith, intelligence, etc as a combination vs singular really touched me. It was comforting. Also, at the end of the meeting a gentleman from NDPC (North Dakota Progressive Coalition http://www.ndprogressive.org/ ) approached me and asked me to speak before a panel at BSC (my college) about the federal government's cuts on education. Here is a summary that effects me the most, and is not very encouraging:

Perkins Loans — The budget provides $67 million for Perkins loans, $99 million
below the 2004 enacted level and $101 million (60.3 percent) below the
amount needed to maintain purchasing power at the 2004 level. The budget
eliminates the Perkins Loans capital contributions program and freezes the other campus-based aid programs at the 2004 enacted level.

I won't bore you with how I might relay my thoughts on this, but hopefully I can do justice to the cause; I've got two minutes.:)

Oh, I cut my hair. It is s.h.o.r.t! But I like it, and now all I need to do is get back into shape. When I am fit and my hair is short like this, I feel sexy. :) I feel like I look confident, strong, and fit. Thus...sexy! Summer 2004 when I had my hair this short I was told by a friend AND their mom that my neck reminded them of Queen Nefertiti's. Isn't that cool?? *smile*

Adios!

Dedicated to Oregon!

Mt. Hood
Mt.Hood/Hood River Valley
My favorite!
Oregon Coast Mist

Weren't those cute pics? H. really took to her costume, calling it "Uniny" (her bike is called "bikey"and every stuffed animal in the house has a name as well as a personality) and N. walked around going, "Buzzzzz! Buzzzzz!" N.M liked just shooting things and playing dead, he is pretty good at now since he has been playing "Halo 2".

Oh, funny story! Have you ever seen those emails that ask you to look at a pic real close, I mean REAL close? And than as you're starring at this picture trying to find something, a freaking looking face just seems to jump off the screen at you as a scream emits from your computer! You know the one I am talking about? (http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf) Well, M. got one of these from a friend, and since he only slightly jumped, he thought N.M might like it too. Umm, not so much! When I get home from class last night, I start to tell M. about how our neighbor scared our kids with the freaky mask in the window trick, when he quietly says, "Shhh, but I really scared Noah tonight too. He started screaming and crying, but don't say anything because he is really sensitive about it." After he tells me about the email and N.M, I just start laughing. Can you imagine?! :)
Well, after M leaves to go watch a friend play pool, N.M comes to me and confesses how he got scared and how it made him feel (I didn't laugh, I just smirked behind my hand) that daddy did that to him, so I said that I was really sorry, to which he replies, "Mom, you shouldn't be sorry. Dad should be sorry. He was not very nice." He said it so mater-of-fact that I started to laugh. He looked at me like, "Now you're not nice to laugh" so I gave him a big hug and told it was going to be okay.

When M came home later he asked me about N.M and when he heard what N.M said, he looked so sad. I do not think he'll do things like that again. (lol!)
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So last night as I was sitting in my Astronomy class (which is absolutely fascinating!), my mind started to wander in to the direction of school. It's been going there alot lately. Questions like, what school should I apply for other than OSU? Will my money for BSC be enough for OSU, and how will I get more? Why am I so passionate about this? Etc, etc, etc. Anyway, I concluded that I will go another semester at BSC. I will take three online classes; Social Problems (Sociology), Intro to Professional Writing (English), and Environmental Science (Biology). Since I can not register for these classes until the 11th, I may not get my choices, but at least I have an idea. I am debating about furthering my Spanish (which I want to be proficient in), but it is a day class and so it would depend on what type of job I end up getting. I've decided to quit the restaurant after this term, I need a job that is more structured time wise and schedule wise. I do not like getting home at 10-12 at night and then trying to do homework, but at the same time, I love the flexibility of G.Mill. If I worked at a day job I would need to be making a certain amount of income to justify childcare, etc. and be willing to forsake travel trips to Oregon. I mean, I could still make them but instead of driving we'd have to fly to make the most of the week! that I'd get time off for, and that is expensive! And yet, if I worked a structured day job, there is more stability and that would eleviate some stress. Truth is, I do not want to forgo my ability to visit Oregon, it is vital to my emotional, mental, and physical health. It is vital to my spirit. However, there are things that I can not ignore. Maybe I'll be lucky and find a job that satisfies both needs. That'll be a mircale; do you believe in prayer?? :)

I better get my ass in gear and go do some house cleaning! I can not tell you how scary the bathroom is, but if you have men in the house and little children who are learning the art of going potty by themself, than you might understand. Gross!!!! Put on the gloves!

TTFN!

Aren't they cute???