Reader Poll...

Okay, I think I am settled with the idea of being a manager at GM, when I receive a phone call from someone at the BSC Phoenix program. She tells me about a position that is opening on campus with this one lady that I am familiar with, and encourages me to call her. I call and have a nice chat with her (we have spoken very casually for a couple of years) and she gives me the details on the job. At first I do not really consider it a matter of choosing because the pay at GM is better, but then as we talk I realize that this office job would give me some other things that I want/need. So, here is what I am going to do, I am going to put before you the pros and cons of each position (including pay) and you give me your opinion on what you would choose if you were placed in my shoes. I am not going to make my decision based entirely on your opinions, but you might be able to give me some insight that has thus far remained in the dark to my mind. K? Keep in perspective my current sit. well, most of you know what that is...

GM Asst.Manager (9.00/hr(review for increase in 6 months) + no benefits; $50/month free food,drink; and more that I do not know yet)

Pros:
Flexibilty for vacations (because I have others to cover my absence)
Doing something I enjoy; working with customers on a one-to-one basis
Gaining managerial experience, thus increasing my earning potential in future jobs
Obtaining the title for my resume, " "
Free food :) and liquor :) :)
No child-care expense

Cons:
No consistent schedule (fluctuates based on others' needs, etc.)
Hours worked may easily exceed hours listed...you leave when the job is done
Probably no weekends off(I'll be the bottom-of-the-totem-pole asst.)
Working nights (no time for kids; particulary Noah, and no time for social)
M. will have to find childcare to cover his softball nights (if I have to work)
Could conflict with needed study time for school
"Babysitting" younger employees with lacking work ethics


Receptionist/Admin.Asst. to Dickinson State Distance Learning Admin. (8.50/hr (review in 6 months)+ full benefits; 100% health insurance, sick leave, vacation, etc.)

Pros:
Consistent Schedule
3 pd classes/year
Allowance to attend one class a semester during work hours (w/o pay deduction)
Will be home every night
Weekends off
Can create study time w/o conflicting with kids' (i.e after they go to bed and the weekends)
Can maintain a social life (for M. and his friends and/or for me and my friends)
Can attend N.M's scout meetings w/o having to take time off work

Cons:
Buy work outfits (but they can be bought for less than store price)
Pay childcare ($4/hr. while N.M is in school, and then over the summer it will be that PLUS his own care costs)
*This is the biggest thing, after I pay for childcare I am only making $4/hr and then in the summer it'll be more like $2/hr. So, is it really worth it? Granted with full coverage medical insurance from M and I, we won't be paying for any medical bills because whatever the primary doesn't cover, the secondary will. In a way that could compensate the lack of pay, BUT we also do not go to the doc much. At least not the kids and I. Grrrr, this is hard.

This decision comes to an ethics factor (in a sense); right vs. right. It is a short-term vs. long-term dilemma. On the short-term, GM is the best solution. It satisfies our immediate needs as they develop, and in the space of time I find I can attend to the long-term goals I have established, but then the family suffers. It frees us from the cost of childcare, which increases our available cash flow for the household. And having kids, that is nice. It also frees me to be able to take a longer weekend if I want for traveling with the kids. In other words, though it makes my life chaotic it supplements my short-term desires.

On the long-term, BSC/DSC is the better solution. It will create a stability in our lives that we have not had since we moved to ND. While the pay will not give us the finances we need, it will create more time to be a family. I.E I'll be home every evening, can attend evening functions with the kids, can predict my schedule and can give my kids a definite security about when I'll be around. With being home on weekends and evenings, I can place a lot more focus on my distance schooling, thereby increasing my chances of a high GPA, and maybe even being able to add one more class onto my load because I can organize study time with more predicability. After having chaos, I like the idea of not having it.

I have discussed this with only one other person, aside from M., and he works at GM. He is someone that I trust because he has been in the restaurant business for many years, and has even owned his own place. When I discussed this new development with him, he said that though GM may fix my short-term, if I keep fixing the short-term solution, I'll be stuck fixing the short-term. He speaks from personal knowledge. He says that because my career interests do not lie within the restaurant world, I should consider this other job very sincerely. If it were not for the concern about childcare cost, and thus the money, I think I would have already decided. But, it really is about...what is the best decision for my family? Short-term and long-term?
>What's your thought?<

Would you believe that last week, and just yesterday, our temps were warm in the 50s-60s (there about) and you could go outside w/o a coat? It is still snowing, yeh! It makes everything seem as virgin as Mother Mary. :)

Social Commentary

When you were a wee little lass, did you ever desire to have the hair like Barbie's? Or, as you began to develop into the blossoming figure of a woman, the shape of Barbie's volupous body? Though I did not play with Barbie much in my formible years, I do recall a slight jealousy to her "perfect"ness. Maybe I refused to be subject to the girlish things because I always felt an intimidation to the world as depicted by the dolls of Barbie. I knew I was neither beautiful, nor socially skilled at the girl "stuff", and I rather felt a fear of my fellow sex. I saw the "I like you today, but tomorrow I'll hate you." and it made me afraid. Very afraid. I also did not see guys as the big barometer to judge my worth. However, I did go through phases like all people are subject too. I weighed my attractiveness on someone else's judgment (such as seen by the world of Barbie) and my ability to have friends based on who was my friend. I was the leeching mass as illustrated by Ayn Rand.

I gained confidence through my guy friends and my very firm founded friendships with girls. Who like me, did not see why girls were so fickle and were often the subject of their prejudice. As I write that sentence I have a new found appreciation for my brothers and sisters; they were my unshaken network of playmates. I always found a form of acceptance with them. Anyway, the ironic thing is that in having my guy friends, I found further dissention from the same sex. They saw me as a "player" and a "flirter". When in truth, I found a security in certain types of guys because they were a dependable barometer of my "likability factor". Sad, hunh? I also learned a VERY valuable lesson in my sophmore year; that if a guy really likes you for you, then it doesn't matter what you look like or whether you are socially "correct". And I transferred that knowledge to my girl friendships too. It has made a lifetime of difference...

So, here are my daughters. Growing up in a society even more ridden with the culture of beauty, sex-appeal, and the "likability factor". And I let them play with Barbie. At least Barbie has become aware, and acknowledged, parents like me who are nervous about what message the doll portays; and have created a "disney-like" and "fairy-tale-like" world of characters. Nonetheless, my apprehension of what my daughters may conceive beauty and worthiness as, is there. And, is ready to defend my daughters against the "parasites" of thought and individuality. :)

Adios!

Miscellanous Stuff

To be posted on my"wall-of-love", send a photo! (This is meant for my friends and family)

] Where's YOUR significant others' favorite place? (Yes, he is napping)

Carefully read this box of straws, do you see something slightly funny? Think...what are straws used for?

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Here is a poem that I did a paper on for my Honors English class. I really enjoyed the poem, as I found it thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy it too.

Adam, or the Birth of Anxiety

Thus, along with lack,
anxiety was born.

A fallen apple – from the same branch that Eve
plucked hers – continues to spoil at the foot of
the felled tree.
Rotten fruit. Its name: ANXIETY.

Image of emptiness before emptiness.
Biting into the apple, did Eve know she was
devouring her soul?

What if the book were only infinite memory of
a word lacking?
Thus absence speaks to absence.

"My past pleads for me," he said. "But my fu-
ture remains evasive about the assortment in its
basket."

Imagine a day without a day behind it, a night
without a previous night.
Imagine Nothing and something in the middle
of Nothing.
What if you were told this tiny something was
you?

And God created Adam.
He created him a man, depriving him of memory.
Man without childhood, without past.
(Without tears, without laughter or smiles.)
Man come out of Nothing, unable even to claim a por-
tion of this Nothing.

Did God consider for a moment that with one stroke He
deprived this man of what He would in the future grant all
other creatures?
Adam, son of Nothing by the will of God, fruit of wan-
ton benevolence,
fruit ripe before ripening, tree in full leaf before growing,
world completed before emerging from nothing, but only in
the Mind of God.
Man of strange thoughts on which, however, his life de-
pends.
Man chained to the Void, chained to the absence of all
absence
The past reassures us. Man without such security, deliv-
ered to whom? to what?
Man without light or shadow, without origin or road,
without place, unless part of that place outside time which
is indifferent to man.
Things must feel this way. But no doubt even they have
their thing-memory, recalling wood and steel, clay or marble.
Recalling their slow progress toward the idea, the know-
ledge of the thing they were to embody.
O emptiness! Nothing to lean against, nothing to rest on,
is this anxiety?
Time molds us. Without past there is no present, and the
I cannot be imagined.
Orphaned in the fullest sense of the term, of father and
mother, but also of himself - are we not engendered in that
moment of carnal and spiritual experience? - what could
seeing and hearing be for him? What could speaking or act-
ing mean? What weight has a word, what reverberations in
the future? What could it profit him? What contentment,
what soothing could he expect from any gesture?
Discoveries, encounters, surprises, disappointments,
wonder? Probably. But in relation to what other ap-
proaches, in reply to which inner question, lacking all com-
parison?
The key lies in the fertilized egg, the ovule, the fetus.
The mystery and the miracle.
Fertile forgetfulness. It pushes us to sound soul and spirit
in the name of spirit and soul. It helps us clear the various
paths of consciousness, to learn and unlearn, to take what
is offered, whether by dawn or by night, daily, in short, to
create ourselves.
I am not. All I have ever been is the man life has allowed
me to be.
Thus I exist, molded by the best and the worst, by all I
have loved or fled, acquired or lost, molded by seconds at
the mercy of seconds as life drains away.

Eve came out of Adam's sleep, woke next to him by the
will of God. She, too, a woman without having been a
child, not having seen her body grow and develop, felt her
mind open out, giving full rein to voluptuous sexual desires
or fighting them.
They looked at each other without a word. What could
they say? They could only observe, only study their differ-
ence.

Days of boredom, of uneasiness followed. Of anxiety,
too.
They were God's playthings. Living together, yet unable
to get anything from each other. Living, yet without land-
marks of existence, not even a picture, a portrait which
would bear out that they were real.
Only an unfamiliar body and a mind unable to think.

Enter the serpent. Enter into their ears the blandishing
voice of the reptile, which was perhaps only the urgent
voice of their anxiety.
Ah, this need to know, which on their part was not just
curiosity, but the hope to be healed. For God had im-
planted suffering in them, the hurt of being. God had made
a mistake. God had done wrong.

What if Eve's sin were really the sin of God which Eve,
for love of Him, took on herself? Both a sin of love and the
mad wish to save herself and save Adam?
Anxiety had encouraged the act, hastening the coming of
their freedom.
Breaking God's commandment meant, for one and the
other, finding their humanity.
Nature taking its revenge, the sin of the flesh will prove
to be only the sin of procreation, of glorifying the seed.
Ephemeral eternity of what is born.

Eve and Adam cherished in advance, through the child-
hood they never had, their fragile, future offspring. For
God had already left them to their fate only to be in turn
forsaken by them. Their freedom – O solitude and
wound – issued undeniably from this double desertion.
But two questions remain.
Did God know, when He created man, that He could
never make a man of him because he could only become
one by himself?
Did Eve's weakness later seem a lesson to God, and to
Adam, an essential test leading to their particular conscious-
ness of existence, to the acceptance of life and death?


from The Book of Shares (authored by Edmond Jabes)
translated by Rosmarie Waldrop

Happy Pictures! (yeh! says my family in OR)

Here are some pics from gift day!

Can I open my gifts yet?

Oh! Make-up! (she promptly began to put it on)

Look Mom! Somebody in Portland loves me! (the t-shirt is personally signed by those who live in PDX. Very neat.)

I get a puppy! (this puppy is...weird. It is like a furby with four paws.)

Aren't they beautiful?! (these dress-up gifts were a smashing hit)

"Sweet!"-thinks M. "A meat smoker/cooker/b-qer" He is very happy!

N.M happily displays his new X-box game. He got it from his friend, Collin.
Really, I do not look that "pissed" all the time. Just 3/4 time. :) Actually, N.M and I are playing this really cool game that grandma/grandpa had. It is a neat "math" game. I got caught in a moment of, "what do you want?". (lol)

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I hope that you all had a fabulous Christmass! With many good times of warm conversations, fun teasing, and great food! I miss everyone in ORegon/WAshington and I love you all. Kiss Kiss...

the honesty of babes

This morning H. asked if she could take a bath, as she does every morning, and I said yes. I hear the two girls laughing and playing, having a grand ol'time, and think nothing the matter. When I get my lazy ass off the couch to start my coffee (yes, you should be jealous) I take a look at the fun. As I walk towards the bathroom I see H. throwing my facial scrub (Mary Kay's MicroDerm Abrasion; yep, NOT cheap!) out of the tub and onto the floor. Picking it up I discover: it's empty! And there was more than half originally left! Oh, there goes my gasket...and than I pick my shaving cream from off the floor, and it to is empty. Than as I am yelling at her about leaving things that are not hers' alone, she pulls out a new tube of toothpaste from the bath water. It is ruined...who wants to taste bath water when they brush their teeth? I am fuming, so I slam the bathroom door shut as I walk away. Point made, I think...when I come back to tell her to get out of the tub I ask, "Does what I say mean anything to you? Do you think about what I tell you when you do something wrong?" She looks at me, and shakes her head "no". Well, that explains everything!

Guess I'll have to come up with a new method of punishment. Maybe time out and before she is released she has to tell me what she did wrong, why she did it, and how it made someone else feel. Worked for me when I got drunk and came home 9 hrs. past my curfew. I never had done that again. Granted, she is 5 and I was...17? So there is room to be made for adjustment.

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I got promoted last night. Starting in two weeks I will be a floor manager for GM. Plus, I got an adequate pay raise, that I am more than happy to stay. I actually enjoy my job as server, and I like working with the guests. So, this will hopefully be a good fit for me and for the restaurant. That other job that I mentioned yesterday? was working with extremely emotionally challenged and developmentally disabled youth. As I thought about what that meant, I decided that I really did not want that job. I have a difficult enough time with my patience with my own kids. (Except N.M)

My stress level is high, and frustrating. I hate waiting on "a prayer" for things to even out. It's constantly juggling, but someday I'll be able to stop. I hope.

I better get back to the dishwashing. Adios!

Christmass Story

Let me start by telling you a short story of something that I did when I was young. I loved sneaking and discovering what my gifts were; I wanted to know if I'd be happy with them or not. Then if I wasn't, I could act like I was. Anyway, one Christmass I got caught by...a cat. I had sneaked into my parent's personal attic and discovered that they had gotten me what I wanted that year, a ghetto-blaster. (well, something like that) With great excitement and an eager attitude for the day when I could claim the gift as mine, I left the attic and made sure that my parents would never discover my deceit. Unbeknowst to me, a cat had followed me into the attic, and I had shut it inside. For a couple of days we could hear meowing from the bathroom, but we assumed that it was coming from under the house where the cats sometimes went when it got cold outside. However, one fateful day my mom figured out that the meowing was actually coming from their attic, and through her infamous detective work, discovered my deceit. My punishment: she returned the blaster to the store. I never went looking for my gifts again. I did end up getting a mini-blaster, but it was not a nice as the original. Where does this story go?

My daughter H. decided to open some gifts that were sent by Aunt M. last night while we were all asleep. I was mad. But at the same time I thought, "Like daughter, like mother." She actually was aware that what she did was wrong because she had hidden the presents so that I would not find them, and now, M.'s is missing. H. is just as strong-willed as I am, it'll be an interesting time raising her. :)

Tomorrow N.M will get to go to our local ski-hill and learn the art of skiing. It is his Christmass gift from his friend Collin. I love Collin, he is a neat kid. What I really like about Collin is how N.M and him get along so well. I am also learning some about N.M's social-skills and that is helpful. He tends to be a single-friend player and so I'm trying to teach him how to be flexible with people that he might not like, but is someone his friend may like. I've told him that he does not have to like everyone, but that common courtesy and respect should be offered to everyone. And that sometimes, it is better to check your attitude than let others be negatively affected by it. (Ie his friends) Yeh, I could use a lesson myself. :)

Adios!

Thank you!

This is a note of appreciation to everyone in my life that has helped me succeed in my academic semester goals. I wanted to get only As and Bs this semester, and I have achieved it! My special thanks to my kids and to my husband. You see, this is a big deal for me in that I have never applied myself to school and so I passed through HS and such, with less-than-ideal apitude. My family and friends always felt I was capable of more, but I was easily distracted with other things to care much about what happened. However, once I went to BSC with the main goal of going to school to get my career in-line, I became extremely focused. Every semester since I started there has been an improvement over the previous one, and so I hope to earn all As in this next semester. My mom and sisters always thought that I was capable of at least a 3.5 and though I earned only a 3.46 this semester, I have shown a progress from all my other attempts at learning. And this 3.46 is with hardly any effort in studying (in a consistent pattern), not completing my homework assignments 100%, a job, a family, and something of a social life. Imagine if I didn't have all that?! Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me through their thoughts, their support, and their sacrifices.
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What do you get two girls for Christmass when they want the same exact thing that the other one has? You should hear these two when a commercial comes on for some girlish toy, "I want that." "I want that too." "No! I want that!" "No! I want that" "Mommm! N is saying she wants what I want" "Noooo..." "Yessss!" "Noooo...(is beginning to whine in a high pitch)" "Mommm!(yelling loud)" Calgon, take me away.

On Christmass day since we will be spending it with family I would like to get games like Othello, checkers, battleship, some new Carnium game for kids, and the such so that we can play games all day. We did that on Thanksgiving and it was fun. I also remember getting games and books for Christmass and that we read or played the games while mom slaved in the kitchen. However, most of these games will be of interest to N.M , but not to the girls. The girls are more interested in tea partys, ponies, dolls, and make-up. MY make-up most of the time. So, what do you do when you just want to load the kids up with gifts, but can only get a couple of things? And what do you do when one child is easier to buy for then the others?

Our van is trying to committ sucicide. It is punishing me for driving it out to OR , around OR, and back to ND this summer. It needs a LOT of work. I really believe that it is punishing me, or as my Aunt P. says, "The Gods are telling you that you shouldn't have gone." I thought that because it had hardly any miles on it for being as old as it was, that it should be fine. Hah! I got proved wrong!

Subject now relating to my job: I work with idiots. Well, not complete idiots but almost idiots. Our current managers (of who I will be speaking about only two) are...oh, what's the word for "do as I day, not as I do"? Since I was approached with the idea of possibly training me into a management position in January I have tried to be more aware of what is going one around me and to take my job more seriously. I have tried to be more of what I would want from a manager. I.E stepping in and taking control when things look like the person is "in the weeds", indicating an idea that might help someone earn better tips ("clear off your table as they finish their dishes"), and offering to do whatever I can to help out. These should be done by any hardworker, but truth is, the restaurant business is not a breeding ground for career minded people. Anyway, as my mentality has changed so have the things I notice. Do I want to work with two people who say, "Don't do this!" and then do it themselves some time later? Do I want to work with two people who are ...I do not know the word I am looking for. Oh, maybe it is "not very professional" with other employees. Part of me says no, and than the other part of me says that should the offer be fruitful I should step in and become part of the stability in the management team that I desire to see. IF the wage is worth my time and effort. I am also considering a job that has been posted at our local residental home for troubled teens as a Youth Counselor (basically a paid babysitter for emotionally unstable kids).
We'll see...

Update, but not much happening

I can not say that there is anything interesting to note on my life, or the life of my acquired family. Or my orientation family. Life has seemed to make a dramatic halt after last week, and interestingly enough, I miss it. I miss the direction and focus. ("What?!", is probably what my husband is exclaiming to himself.) What I mean is, I do not find joy in cleaning my house though I do immensely enjoy the sake of order and cleaniness, but when I discover that it looks the same the next day or that I have no space to put anything and no extra finances to make a creative solution to my storage problems, I discover that I have a sense of resignation to the task. "Who cares, it'll still be there tomorrow." However, when I have other tasks that demand attention, I see my house as a responsibilty to accomplish BEFORE I can start on the others, and then doing the house is something that creates a reward. Does that sound odd? Well, I used to go to a discount store here in town whenever I had a "tackle-the-house day" and buy a small item to add to the decor. My reward was the item; only after the house was clean from front to back. (and sometimes that included bedrooms) It gave me motivation, but one day I realized that that seemed pretty stupid. However, all the books that talk about the sincere lack of desire to clean a house addresses that the person should give themself a reward. But, I have been trying to be conscious about my personal costs, so... yes, M. I admit, I am desperately addicted to caffeine. Note: one day I figured how much I spend on espressos in a year and it is about $700/yr! I am trying, but oh god it is hard. I

On another note, the kids are excited about Christmass (yes, I am aware that I added an extra 's', isn't this holiday a celebration of Christ and since the Church made it huge I honor their mass). I think that this year will be a good year of friends and family. I like gatherings because I like the feeling of companionship and warmth, and the noise of conversation in the air. This year we are spending it at M.'s parents (as always) but this year there will also be his aunt and uncle, his cousins, and one of his cousin's wife. I think that his second cousin will also be there and his family. It should be a good time.

Adios everyone. And I will try to rise above my lack of housecleaning enthusiasm. (LoL)

This is N. at 2.5 yrs. Spunky and full of attitude. Loving and sweet. Attached to her binky, but free from insecurity. Will probably be our sports loving, outdoor adventurer, and independent one.
This is N.M at 7 yrs. Interested in all things involving hands-on manipulation(no! he is not old enough so shut-up!), reading, music, things involving technology,and figuring out how to crochet. Will probably be our thoughtful, analytical, and adoring one. Will probably be into some sports and as he won't be able to keep the girls away, I imagine he'll take advantage of that in his hormonal years. (ugh!)
This is H. at 5 yrs. Full of ideas, creative stories, and Barbie (so much for my previous proclaimation of, "My girls will not be barbie fanatics). Adores horses, dressing up, and building forts to make into her own home. Will probably be our "girly-girl" who is interested in theater, music, and some sports. Will probably be insightful, only after the fact, and will be spontaneous and fun-loving.

These are my kids, full of character and full of life and love. They are vital to my life, even when I complain about the restrictions I have because of them. I just need a vacation. :)

Who doesn't need a vacation? Everyone wants/needs one every once and awhile.

Rum n Coke (the perfect combo)

Now I am not talking just any ol'Rum, but Rum in its finest state. Or as close to it as my cash flow allows. :)

I have spent the last half hour reading my daily list of blogs (and they all come from "You're the Mama"'s website) and noticed how 3 of the 5/6 that I read have been doing this required writing thing. I actually like the idea, but I am embrassed to jump on the bandwagon (though didn't I just admit I like it???). Anyway, the lastest writing assignment was to write the top ten things that you wanted to say in the last year...scary. I mean, if a person really confessed what they want to say and knew that a certain? (for each person "certain" pertains to their someone) someone would read it, wouldn't that be scary? For me, yes I think that it would. And I haven't had enough rum n' coke yet. *chuckle*

But I'll give it a try because I feel brave (stupid too?):
1. I want to move back to where I feel like I am "ME", and I realize that you would never go for that. You say that it is because of your dad, but I believe that if your dad passed away you would still want to stay because this is where your friends are. This is where "YOU" are. What we will do about this? The issue will not go away, it will always lie under the surface like a sleeping virus.


2. I do not like being a parent. I love my kids and would not trade them for the world, nor for an all-expense paid education, but I do not like parenting. There are more highly qualified women for the job.
3. Grow up.!!!!!!!!!
4. I am sorry when I act emotional. I know the best thing for our relationship is a stable and firm foundation of trust and control. I feel more comfortable when I am with you than I should and sometimes I give you too much information about my life. You are not as I have imagined, and as I process what is real, I will become more of what our friendship needs. I will try to be like...Delphinus.(greek)
5. You are the best friend that I have and I have failed you. I do not call you, I hardly write, and you have never received a 'thank you' card from me for all the gifts you have sent me and the kids. I cherish you and having you in my life makes it rich, I wish that I could see you more often. You make the better part of me shine. :)
6. You are a wonderful man. Oh, there are things I can not stand, but you love me and care very deeply for me. I can see it in your eyes.
7. (am I almost to 10 yet?) If I thought that I could say it for real, I would...I do not want to be more than a casual friend with you. I am too intimidated by your world, and I do not think that you understand mine. Why else do I need to repeat myself?
8. Mi hijos...I fail you. I am your mom by definition of love, birth, and family, but as for the nurturing warmth and strength that you need; I do not have it. I am a short-tempered, easily frustrated and overwhelmed, and selfish person. I demand obediance before I ask for hugs and kisses. I want order before I'll take chaos. I want intelligence before I'll take ignorance. I treat you as if you are already capable of knowing and understanding more than you possibly could. I have people in my life who remind me of where I need to stop and re-examine what I am doing, without them I do not know who I would be to you. They remind me that you are small, they remind me that you are shapable and I could "ruin" you, they remind me that I created you and therefore I must be responsible in that fact, and they remind me that if anyone came between you and me: I'd hurt them like they have never been hurt before.
9. I would look you in the eye and talk about my pain, my disappointments, and my weakness. And I would cry and cry and...probably remain the same.
10. I feel like I am sleeping inside, I am taking care of a part of me, but the essence that makes me "ME" is quiet. People speak of a passion they see within me, but I call it something else and when I think of the places that make me feel alive I weep in mourning for them. How could you comfortably live with this knowledge?! I know. It is because I am the stronger one, and therefore I am made to bear more. I bear the finances (note: I did not say the working part but the other part that is handled), I feel I bear the majority of the stress, I feel I bear the disorder of our lives. Have you ever sat and cried about our disorder? I know that this "bearing" will create a person of strength, courage, and faith because I know that this person cannot "bear" it all. And where I used to go and place my burdens is now over 12oo miles away, so I must find a strength within myself and handle more. But while I occassionally cry, or set my jaw and refuse a hug, I know that in time I will be a better woman because of this journey.

Whoa! After sips of coke along the way I think my ten things didn't come so tough. What you think? :)

Tomorrow night is my last final for the semester. Yipee! Have a happy hug from me! But than, I will have to decide what to do about work. GM has placed an offer (made of sand) at this point to promote me to Floor Manager in January, BUT this is a restaurant and unless I actually see a definite plan of action, I am reserved about it. This place is like an ADHD child, w/o retalin. I plan to pursue other job openings as well, and there was just an article in the paper the other day about the fact that employers are having a hard time keeping their employees because so many new businesses are moving in. Yeh!

Oh, on another tangent. I went to a luncheon today for the NDPC and I enjoyed it immensely. Intelligent people talking intelligently. You know there is something about people who have had diplomatic practice in conversations before, no one says a "bad" or "wrong" thing. They may not agree with you, but you are not told you are "stupid" or "wrong". Well, if you are told you have to be smart enough to figure it out. (lol)

Time to read some astronomy! Wish me an "A" on this examen.

Kick A.. Lee!

See that beautiful chick-a-dee in the blue? She may look like she is afraid, but she kicked that skinny girl's butt and than proceeded to kick the a..of the guy who is standing on the pool too.
Oh, what I would have given to be there. :)

Finally !

So, you have seen pics of all my family except my elusive bro, A. Well, here is a pic that my mom sent. I am so excited to be able to post it! He is very special to me. I am beginning to tear up just thinking about him...he gives great hugs and absolutely the best back rubs I have ever had. :) He is one in a million.

Dedicated to the one I love...

Today is better

*Deep breathe and...release* :)

Rejections are part of life, and I know that, but I just was hoping for this last job attempt because it seemed so complimentary to our needs. When I think of what we need, I get a slight feeling akin to panic.

I will pursue the other job opts that are out there, but I am very limited. This town is not known for its large, high-than-minimum-wage pay scale and I am also trying to find a job that would give me a consistent day schedule so that I may spend more time with my kids. But because I desire day I also desire a pay that could compensate the childcare AND our other needs. This limits me because of the pay limits on most jobs AND because of my lack of office administration schooling (ie. an associates degree in Office). So, maybe I'll be sticking with GM, besides I was recently told that the best job for me would be in sales. :)
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On another note, today is H.'s birthday and she is turning 5. I can not believe that it was 5 years ago that I had her! On Wednesday the 6th I resigned from Anchor Ins. in PDX and went to a Blazer's game at the Rose Garden, and than on Thursday the 7th at 12 pm I checked in at St. Vincent Hosp. to be induced. H. had low amniotic fluid levels for the entire pregnancy (never went above 7/8) and they began to get worried as I hit my last 4 weeks. So, since I hated going in every other day for "stress tests" (which was an oxymoron because they stressed me out) I delightfully accepted their proposal of being induced. But I told them it had to wait until AFTER I saw the Blazer's game. :) Anyway, sorry for the tanget. I had H. 10 (<11) hours later and it was the easiest delivery. I actually was walking the mall with M. three days later; thank you epidurals!

The thing I remember most about H. as she was growing up from being a baby was her easy going nature (with metamorphized into something else at the age of 3). She used to look at me and coo like a dove. Than when I tried to capture it with the video camera, she become quiet like a church mouse. :) She loved to smile and coo at N.M (big bro) and her laughter was like the ringing of the holy bells of the Church. She was so sweet and happy, I devoured her and so did everyone else. As she got bigger we used to call her, "Monkey" because she was always climbing into the kitchen drawers. And I just learned yesterday that M. was a "Monkey" too when he was a little boy.

Now, H. hasn't changed too much. She is one of the most loving little girls I have ever seen. She loves to nurture her toys and adores playing with N and N.M. One of her favorite things to do is cuddle with mom on the couch and watch a cartoon. She savors the moments when someone holds her and lovingly tickles her and places kisses all over her. She loves looking like a "princess" and wearing dresses that make her feel special. She cares about everyone in her family, and misses dearly those she can not see everyday. She is still a "Monkey", but now she climbs on the kitchen counters. :)

As a mom, I have the power to create a person who has a healthy level of self-esteem, or a person who is uncertain and easily intimidated. So far, I am not doing well. But that is something for another day. I love her all the same, if not more than before.

I love and cherish H, and hope I can be the mom she needs and wants.

I flunked!

Today I went to that new job opprotunity and took some tests; typing, 10-key, and a customer service battery exam. While I miserably completed the typing and 10-key, I passed. However, I failed the CSB exam. How? No se. They can not tell me what questions I did not answer correctly because it comes back as a simple "yes" or "no" from the corporate data base. So, here I am feeling like crap, and angry, and I can not find out what I did incorrectly. I am angry because I KNOW that there are people who work for this company that I can do a better job than and because I know that I would be a valuable employee. I had pined so much financial hope on this job, and while I tried not to, I inadvertantly did. I answered each question HONESTLY and as ETHICALLY as I feel in my marrow, and those who know me know that that is who I am. I will not deceive or lie to gain postion, but yet, those who do... get jobs and gain prestige that shouldn't.

I am also flexible, meaning I can be trained. If I have a wrong concept about something, I am willing to hear someone and be trained for what is expected out of me. It only helps me grow personally and it expands my knowledge. But they can not see that when all I do is answer a bunch of questions; there is no interview to get feedback on a person's reason for answering a question a certain way. It is this: "we want a square and if you are an octagon than we are sorry. No, it doesn't matter if your lines are made of rubber and if you can conform into a square."

That's my Bro on the board! SweeeT! Someday I'll snowboard again, but I'll be on the bunny hill, with the five-year olds. :)

Beauty and ...I don't know who the guys is, but good pic of my sis

Okay, awesome photo! This is Lee-or, running hot after the ball!

Isn't she cute?

I like this one best, look at that form! But hey, isn't the ball is out of bounds Lee-or, nice attack though. :)