Clarity like the Missouri River

Last night I was writing my husband a letter (yes, I am still calling him my husband) and it hit me. BAM! He had made a comment in that evenings' e-mail that I thought I just read and filed away. But, I developed an urgency to write him that I couldn't understand. So, out came paper and pen. There is was two pages later... if someone else had done to me what I had done to him, I'd have a difficult time respecting them too.

Let me explain. I felt that I needed to be here in OR if, and when, I ever made a stand in my marriage for what I felt it needed. I didn't know quite when that would be, but I felt that I would be 'safe' if I did it here because I would be assisted in regards to childcare, emotional support, etc.

I have not made an attempt to 'stand' prior because I felt weak and scared. Scared being a big part of it. So, I thought I'd be strong and confident in OR.

Fact, I am just as weak and I am just as scared. But now, whatever willingness Mark might of had to work things out (had I done this in ND) is gone. Because there is no respect for what I did. How can I blame him? I ran away to a place where I could cower behind others while I took my 'stand'. How can I respect that? I brewed my own tea of sorrow.

I imagine that if I had stood in my living room and looked Mark straight in the eye and told him that he had till the weekend to gather his things and get out, and that I would let him come back after we had gone to three months' of counseling...and changed the house locks over the weekend...he'd have been pissed to all hell. But, he would have had respect for my 'stand'. I would have dealt it like "a man". Instead I ran home to "mommy" and dealt it like a "sissy".

I know what motivated me. I really didn't know what I was going to do, I really didn't know if I could do anything period, but once I made my mind...I should have gone home and dealt with it there. I know that I was afraid that if Mark decided to just call the marriage quits that I might be forced to remain in ND because of the state child custody laws, and I couldn't imagine being in ND forever. I like the state, but I love OR. But, I could have been honest and maybe he would have let me move to OR with the kids.

I left ND in confusion. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had an idea of what I wanted to do. I should have said something. It is at least what I would have wanted someone else to do do me.

I try to be a person of integrity, honor, compassion, ethics, and responsibilty. My handling of how I chose to address my martial issues was not aligned with what I strive to be. Now I am feeling the shame, horror and guilt of that. And it is coupled with Mark's own view of me too. I am hurt that I underhandedly hurt him so much, and I am hurt that all it did was make Mark realize that he doesn't want to even consider trying to make things work anymore.

Our martial problems started from the beginning, even before we said, "I do." And we had choices all along that could have made us be healthier, or not. So, in a way...maybe this was all inevitable because time and attention was never given to the emergency our marriage was in for so long. But, this was not the way to end the good memories and compassion we shared with each other for eight and half years.

Today?

Rejected. Betrayed. Deceived.

Today?

Sad. Hurt. Depressed. And, you??

Adjusting to the idea a bit, but than I find myself more dazed than anything. I think I am just disappointed. Yep, disappointed.

Kids are doing well. They have taken the news pretty well. Hannah asked if it meant that M. and I were not going to be 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' anymore. When I said "yep", she than asked if I was going to get married to someone else than. I laughed. "Not for long while sweetie", I said. Noah is just sad that he won't have both parents in the same house, but other than that...they seem to be taking the news TOO well. Maybe as an adult I am just thinking a lot more than they are; maybe all they are focused on is having fun with cousins, feeding animals, playing in the huge jumping castle next door with the neighbor kids, and getting ready for school where there will be more friends and lots of recess. Than again, they haven't seen M. and maybe when they see him that will change a bit.

Work is intense. Lots to learn and lots to gain. But, I really like the 'values, ethics, integrity, respect, compassion, and humor' that this organization is trying to instill into itself and into its' employees.


Well, I TRIED to post pics, but guess it won't work for now. Try again later.

what the freaking @(&)#*&!!

I can not decide if I am pissed, very sad, disappointed, too tired to even care or feel, or...just numb. I am numb and in a fog.

I read today that it is...over. OVER. OVER! over.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break,that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears." - Kahlil Gibran

Couple of honest things to say

1) It is a twisted thing to do to people that you love, and that equally, if not more, love you. It is an undescribed emotion that comes to my spirit when I see photos of you all over the place, and not a real person to hug, talk too, smile with, or have a heart-felt chuckle with. It is simply...twisted in an ugly and perverse way.

2) Trying to be strong leaves me wanting to be weak. My summer has been anything but stress-free. I think I will develop an ulcer if I do not stop analyzing, rationalizing, or trying to "take-care" of someone else.

I am not able to go back to what would be. I have ruined what fragile structure there was by my attempt to be strong and communicating what I need. I have nothing left to do, but try to stand against whatever force tries to make me bend and hold unto my hope.

I am not evil, a bitch, a whore, manipulative, or wrong because of what I did. I have grown up with a working knowledge of good vs. bad; I have been raised with a sense of ethics and honor. I have developed a sense of personal pride and knowledge of what integrity is and how it functions in one's life. I have done what I have done because I felt a deep personal conviction that my life could not continue the way it was, and I asked someone for help because I felt that they were what would make a difference in my life. I have been battling this decision for some years, and finally...I felt enough personal fortitude to say something.

Perhaps where I chose to say something, and when, was not in the best interest of all involved. But, my reasoning seemed clear to me and it has also seemed to have proved my theory of what would happen; correct. I sincerely felt that if I made a firm position of what I felt I needed from someone else, I would be standing alone with three kids and no external support. Had I communicated my need and remained firm, where I am expected to have done so...I believe I would not have had any assistance because I interpert others to feel that "what happens is between you guys" and "we don't want to get involved because it might appear that we are choosing sides" and even stronger "they're all family".

I chose to wait to say something after I saw whether or not I could 'afford' my decision. Meaning: did I have a job that would allow me to try and support myself and others? Did my family feel comfortable offering their means of support while I went through this? Were the kids going to be o-kay? Did I feel enough personal conviction to do this, even when I came against the opposition that I knew I would get? How far would I be willing to go? All questions that seem answered, and yet, unanswered.

Right now, it would be easier to bend, but I am afraid I might break and not find the ability to ever stand up again. I believe that what I have sought for in my relationship is not wrong; harmony, working communication, love, and respect. And, more importantly, honest friendship with like goals that we both strive to meet. Maybe I didn't do things that way others think I should have done them, but I can't undo what I have done. And I feel enough firm conviction to hope that this short-term pain will bring a life-long happiness and peace. My hope is that it is with the person that I have been trying to build things with for the last eight 1/2 years.

Laurence Lake (near Parkdale, OR)


Niece Lilliana just looking adorable!


CJ


Uncle Aaron (isn't he cute?)


Takawalla (?) Falls


There was a tree that was thought to look like
an animal of some sort. (Giraffe?)


Yeh! We found snow!


Mt Hood is in the background, and this is just
before the junction.


The Boulder and Jon, Noah, Hannah, Jennie,
and Aunt Carolyn.


Jon's Boulder


There are no words to write for this...

Camping Trip

Hola! Kids and fam (most of them) all arrived at Laurence Lake at the base of Mt Hood on Thursday for our annual family gathering (3 yrs running). I joined them Friday after I packed car, etc. so I got up at about 1:30 AM-sorry guys! Saturday had just about everyone there, but Aaron who arrived in the wee hours later that night. (Work! What a crimp it puts in plans!) Saturday was spent swimming, kayaking, swimming some more, eating, hiking to Tamakalla (?) Falls, and swimming again. Lee and Cindy had brought a colossal inflatable "island" that just defied "cool". The lake just would not have been as fun as it was without this "island"! :) Also on Saturday Noah and Cameron went rock-climbing with Lee and Cindy, while the girls, Nanna, Amanda, Tristan and I went for a small hike to a large waterfall. Amanda and I ended up "back"-packing our kids! (lol) Also, on Saturday Lee put Cindy and I through part of her training session that she has with a private trainer; it kills! Amazingly I was able to somewhat keep up, but Lee was just mind-blowing; she is getting her money worth...I still hurt while walking and it is 3 days later.

On Sunday the kids swam again, and Cindy and Lee took Sarah, Aunt Pris. and I to the rock that they had taken the boys' too. It was absolutely addicting! I fell in love with rock-climbing all over again. (Bring it On!) Sarah did excellent despite her bleeding finger and made-love to the rock like a woman should! :) (only joking Sarah *smirk*) And Cindy just made me stand in awe of her...she climbs like a freak, despite her shaky legs! :) Lee got sick and than we all spent the rest of the evening trying to guess just what IT was: did she drink too much creek water? Did she inhale too much lake water? Did she get food sickness? Can't say that there isn't any love in this family. (lol)

On Monday it had narrowed down to just a few, basically mom, myself, the kids, Aunt Car., Amanda, and her kids. Did some more swimming and kayaking and sometime in the later part of the day we packed a few of us to hike on the Mount. Amanda graciously offered to watch the two younger ones (and Cameron stayed too) while the rest of us hiked up Mt. Hood to leave a part of Jon on the Mount. We drove up to Tilly Jane Campground and hiked along Tr.600-A (head left) till it met with the Cooper Spur/Timberline Trail Junction. Once there I located a large boulder (on your left) where Noah and I built a cairn to take a picture of the ashes I have of Jon, and Mom thought it was an apprioprate place to also put Jon's ashes. I did not spread my ashes yet, but mom had brought a small amount (there is ALOT of him) and we placed him under a rock under the big boulder. If you go to see the boulder (and hopefully the cairn will be allowed to stay) please tread VERY carefully since we committed a eco-no.no. and were walking on Alpine meadow soil to get to the boulder. (Noah commented that it felt like a rubber mat; very bouncy.) As we were up there the weather started to turn, and as we finished placing his ashes the rain started to come down. Today I learned that in Russian folklore this is a sign of a blessing; that when it rains at either a wedding or a funeral it is considered a good omen. Which is neat because coming down the mountain in the rain ~felt~ right. We got to listen to thunder and watch some lightening as we descended back down to the car. We all just went to bed when we got back to camp because Amanda was the hero of the day; she had saved all our gear from getting wet by covering it up or stashing it into tents. So we all could relax and go to bed.

Today we spent too much time packing up the cars, and I drove to Mario's where she is currently preparing a feast for us while I type away like a lazy fiend on her computer. Hannah and Jennie have become the best of friends and are off playing 'girlfriends and boyfriends at school' somewhere, while Natalie and Aidan are watching a Barbie (Princess and the Pauper) movie and start dancing together whenever the music/song starts to play. Too cute! Noah is keeping Newton company, and watching Uncle Derek play his online game. But, I should go do SOMETHING!

Well, I will now leave you with pics. Thanks for the chat!

Post note: okay I won't leave you with pics because I am working on a STUPID computer! But, I'll try again this evening...