Couple of honest things to say

1) It is a twisted thing to do to people that you love, and that equally, if not more, love you. It is an undescribed emotion that comes to my spirit when I see photos of you all over the place, and not a real person to hug, talk too, smile with, or have a heart-felt chuckle with. It is simply...twisted in an ugly and perverse way.

2) Trying to be strong leaves me wanting to be weak. My summer has been anything but stress-free. I think I will develop an ulcer if I do not stop analyzing, rationalizing, or trying to "take-care" of someone else.

I am not able to go back to what would be. I have ruined what fragile structure there was by my attempt to be strong and communicating what I need. I have nothing left to do, but try to stand against whatever force tries to make me bend and hold unto my hope.

I am not evil, a bitch, a whore, manipulative, or wrong because of what I did. I have grown up with a working knowledge of good vs. bad; I have been raised with a sense of ethics and honor. I have developed a sense of personal pride and knowledge of what integrity is and how it functions in one's life. I have done what I have done because I felt a deep personal conviction that my life could not continue the way it was, and I asked someone for help because I felt that they were what would make a difference in my life. I have been battling this decision for some years, and finally...I felt enough personal fortitude to say something.

Perhaps where I chose to say something, and when, was not in the best interest of all involved. But, my reasoning seemed clear to me and it has also seemed to have proved my theory of what would happen; correct. I sincerely felt that if I made a firm position of what I felt I needed from someone else, I would be standing alone with three kids and no external support. Had I communicated my need and remained firm, where I am expected to have done so...I believe I would not have had any assistance because I interpert others to feel that "what happens is between you guys" and "we don't want to get involved because it might appear that we are choosing sides" and even stronger "they're all family".

I chose to wait to say something after I saw whether or not I could 'afford' my decision. Meaning: did I have a job that would allow me to try and support myself and others? Did my family feel comfortable offering their means of support while I went through this? Were the kids going to be o-kay? Did I feel enough personal conviction to do this, even when I came against the opposition that I knew I would get? How far would I be willing to go? All questions that seem answered, and yet, unanswered.

Right now, it would be easier to bend, but I am afraid I might break and not find the ability to ever stand up again. I believe that what I have sought for in my relationship is not wrong; harmony, working communication, love, and respect. And, more importantly, honest friendship with like goals that we both strive to meet. Maybe I didn't do things that way others think I should have done them, but I can't undo what I have done. And I feel enough firm conviction to hope that this short-term pain will bring a life-long happiness and peace. My hope is that it is with the person that I have been trying to build things with for the last eight 1/2 years.