Miscellanous Pics

The kids had Open House on Thursday. This is Noah's classroom.


This is Noah's desk. :)


And, this is Noah's desk buddy. His name is Ty. He really likes Noah. He kept giving Noah hugs. :)


This is in Hannah's classroom. Here she is showing me where she keeps her "Cougar Bucks". "Cougar bucks" are given to the kids when they do good things, and than they can exchange them for something from the office.


This is Hannah's desk. Her teacher's name is Mrs. Siebert, and she wishes that Mrs. Siebert was her mom and that I was her step-mom. Or she says, the other way would work too. :)


Remember ever having those wax gum teeth when you were a kid? I did, so I bought some for the kids one day. They liked them...for awhile.


North Falls at Silver Creek falls Park


Kids hanging out underneath the North Falls. (Note: this is a good one for a desk photo. Copy and save.)


Just two girls discussing about the value of "NPL", and having a few DELICIOUS drinks at McMenamins Kennedy School. That is where I spent my 30th b-day dinner. I have to say: McMenamins offered the best tasting drinks I have ever had, but they also are the most expensive I've ever paid for. Hmmm, must be why I only had two. :) Next time though, I am going to go and just say, "Bring on the freaking drinks!" or "Make that two AMFs please". (2 AMFs would be sufficient)

Seems like yesteryear. When my posts were lighter of heart. Makes me wonder, did I imagine my unhappiness? I have to say that after Jon, it seemed..different?

What is real? What is imagined?

What is weakness? What is strength?

What is character? What is the definition of character?

What will pass? What will remain?

Do I hurt alone? Do you care?

What is disappointment? Who is disappointed?

Solitude? Or conversation?

Acceptance? Rejection?

Move on.

No. Stay. Heal. That is first.

How long? Depends.

On what? On you.

How? That depends.

On what? On you.

Time for a little reflection

I have today off because I worked Sat., but it is to be filled with errands that can only be done on a Mon.-Fri 8-5 type of thing. For example, I have to go renew my drivers' license. I think I will cry when it says ODL. Just one more thing that states, "You are separated/divorced!". I cried the other day when I had to call Linn County Health about trying to get medical insurance for myself. Basically, I'm SOL unless I add the kids. But, the kids have medical coverage and it is better than what the state offers. Somewhat.

I wonder sometimes if M. thinks I am over here just having a grand ol' time. We don't talk so I don't know his state of mind, nor being. Everyday I think about us not being "us" and it hurts. I really had hopes that M. would do what I thought needed to be done to help us be better at being "us". I really had hopes that he would give it a try. But, it occurred to me that M. had given up on "us" in probably April of this year. He said somethings that I didn't know he even thought about until we talked when I was in Bismarck packing the house. I left the conversation feeling partly better, and it sure helped me close some things in my heart, but I am still left feeling...sad.

This place in my life is not easy. I am learning things about myself that I thought were gone because of age, maturity, and marriage; they are still there and still ugly in their own ways. I am glad to be able to work on these lessons and reflections. It is difficult though. I want to soothe my soul, instead of keeping it in its' uncomfortable place, but I need to feel and learn from the discomfort. I need to change old patterns and re-emerge with new ones that are healthy, helpful, and loving. The transition is challenging. It feels chaotic. It feels drowning, but I will learn how to swim through it. It just means not creating distractions that keep me from focusing on what is internal, and listening to my spirit and heart. I think I can gain some powerful insight into what I am capable of. I hope that I can.

I am also struggling with feeling safe. I am suddenly "available", and yet I am not "available". (emotionally, mentally, or in any other way) Before I could be friendly and fairly open to other guys because with one word in my vocabulary (husband) it was made clear to them that I was un-"available". Now, that seems to have changed. I am finding I need to be reserved and guarded. I was unprepared for that. At least I have more guts to be honest, than I ever had before I got married. :)

I am also struggling with having no one to talk too. There is no one to just share miscellanous information with anymore. There is no freedom to share things that are intently personal, or suggestively funny, or just everyday jargin. I used to talk to M., but now...I turn to say something in my mind and the space is empty. He was in my private 5%. I didn't say much to him, but it was comforting to know he was there.

I am also struggling with the idea that I am no longer held "special" by another. This is where I try to keep myself contained. I will not search for the "specialness". By staying here in this uncomfortable spot, I will cherish the "special" tribute more when it is given as a gift. Than if I am trying to make it happen.

You know, it just occurred to me that you, who are reading this, may be someone that I do NOT want to read my somewhat personal "journaling". However, it is where I share thoughts with my family and select friends. Even in the title of family I can think of a few that read this, that may misread what I say. I am taking a risk to continue writing honestly on this blog. But, I am going too. It is a place where I share relatively, somewhat personal information to my sisters, and few friends. I do not want to discontinue my communication with others because of what I fear a few others may think, or misread. I am being vunerable, and I am hoping that it doesn't bite me in the ass later.

God bless and may He grant wealth over you.

Today the kids and I went to a popular waterfall park called, "Silver Falls" and hiked the North falls, and the South. The kids enjoyed walking underneath, and then we had fun splashing Aunt CJ with rocks we threw into the creek. :) After that short hike, we drove to the South fall and hiked down to the bowl and let the kids splash their feet. It was funny to see Natalie standing in the water shivering, but when asked if she wanted to get out she said, "No." through shaking teeth. She was than MADE to get out. :)

Aunt CJ and the kids found a fun game with the playground slide, that involved shocking each other and then laughing at the sound and feel. They contentedly played this game for over half an hour.

I took a couple of pics, but the camera is in the car. And, one of them has no dirty shirts, and clean faces!

Noah and Hannah seem to be adjusting to school, and Natalie seems to like daycare. I really have to give a lot of credit to my family because they help with technical support more than I could ever have hoped for. Mom transports the girls to where they need to go, and occassionally picks them up from daycare. And, than the support of just giving the kids and I a place to be.

Well, that is all I have to say for now. Work is going well enough...I am learning alot, and gaining a perspective of my responsibilities (which is alot) and so a new stress starts to creep in: will I be hired permanently after the approx.300 hrs I have left of my contract? If I can't make my work show in measured results, than they can decide to not hire me after my contract term. Oh, and I start school next Monday. 14 credits. Yep. You thought it.

Adios for now.

I've been back in OR since Wednesday night. Flew back safe and sound. I had a fabulous support group in ND that offered vehicles, emotional support, a listening ear, and just their presence. I didn't realize what awesome friends I have there. I think I was too focused on OR to ever understand what was there in front of me. However, what is developing in OR is doing well for me too. I'm reconnecting to some friends that I've known since I was young (Jol, Aur, and Rain) and it is very nice. Especially to reconnect with Jol. We used to do some crazy stuff when we were growing up. I mean weird crazy. :)

Today the kids and I were invited by Jol and her husband to attend a "Renaissance Fair". We had never been to anything like it before. Jol happened to have an extra 'outfit' so while her and her husband looked like rich squires, I got to look like a pirate. :) Actually, I was thinking of that guy from Princess bride ..."My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die." We had a good time. There was lots of amazing clothes, people with weird pseudo-accents, good music, and loads of amazing crafts. We also got to see a jousting and other fun games held with horses and sword play. The kids each got to spend a few dollars so the girls bought plastic horses and Noah bought a nice wooden sword. They said that they want to go again next year.

Noah has started school and seems to like it. He has a male teacher this year, and is in a 2nd/3rd grade teaching system. I think it will work well for him.

Hannah starts school tomorrow. Unfortunately I won't be able to take her on her first day because she is doing late kindergarten, but she said that that was okay. She cares more about having her supplies and wearing her new outfit!

The kids are going to a babysitter just two miles from my parents, and I think Natalie will do well there. The babysitter is very involved in the school and also teaches her children at home. The kids will be dropped off at her house after school and than I will pick them up after I get off work. Her husband and oldest son make kit cars and race them for a hobby, which Noah thinks is absolutely the coolest and is excited to know that he can watch them as they work.

Personally, I am still in shock. Today the kids called Mark and as I listened to them I started crying. This is difficult. I have friends that I can talk too and that helps. Two of them have this on their history too. Mostly though, I keep to myself...unless I get literally overwhelmed and can't make sense of my thoughts or emotions. Today I had that happen. :)

Darkness falling. Breathe shortening. Mind numbing. Looking for my shelter.

It is not there. See lights, inviting; not safe. Stay alone. Looking for my shelter.

It is not there. Must look to horizon. Light will shine. Keep walking. Looking for my shelter.

It is not there. Mind frozen. Heart aching. Face wet. Keep walking.

Hard to understand that it is not there. Did I not build it? Or did I destroy it? Don't know. Mind thawing.

It is not there. My shelter. It is gone. I want to rest. Keep walking. The light will shine again.

Today has been hard. If I wasn't worried about repairing a hole in the wall, I'm sure I would have kicked a couple of holes into it. :) A couple of times.

Also, I learned something today. And I must chew on this morsel for a bit. Oft times we believe to ourselves that what we value and what we strive for in relationships (of all types), is what people will see in us. For example: let's say you want people who are authentic in your life because you believe that you are an authentic person. But, what if what people see is actually a person who tries to "please" all persons, be whatever the person they are with wants, and/or will try to make attention? Does that seem like authenticity???

How many times have we done or said things that we genuinely thought would lead others to see the "real" us? Only to discover what they saw, or heard, was a totally different thing. Their preception, based in part on who and what they are about, was not our 'shot-for' attempt at honesty, integrity, authenticity, open-communication, or genuiness. How do we manage that?

Is managing that being "authentic"? Because than are we not being that person who tries to "please" all?

I value and admire many traits in a woman I know because she is hardworking, dedicated, loyal, and ethical. However, she feels different about me. I understand though. However, what astounds me (in a confused sense) is that where I left her presence so many times uncertain if she "approved" of me or even liked me, she might have been gaining the preception that I was something that I try not to be because I was so uncertain and uncomfortable. But, granted...what basis she has is valid in that the conversations I've made might be actually what they were: attention-grabbing. Unmeant at the time, but subconsciously there.

I am just struck to mute (okay, to writing contemplatively) about how we can feel so comfortable with a conversation we share with another individual whether known, known through a friend, or unknown but for the moment, and later discover that what was heard and interpreted was so different than what we remember. OR! that we forget even the conversation entirely but the person we spoke with remembers and shares it with others. But shares it based in part on how they perceived it and how they interperted us as a person. So , it leads me to think that truth really, and truly, is all relative. What may be my truth, can be and often is, entirely different than your own. We may agree on many similiar things and feel the same about many similiar ideas, etc., but just even one single thought that is different changes the whole concept of "truth".

What do you think?? (honest genuine asking sort of question; feedback would be interesting to read)

At the house...12:04 am

Don't feel like I can do this. I just don't see how I can. Was it ever as bad as I imagined? Was I ever feeling as neglected as I thought? Can this really go on?

I look around me at years of accumulated things and wonder: how can I catergorize and box what is precious enough to keep? How can I not pick something up and remember a memory that connects me to that thing? I will be exhausted when I leave in three days.

Granted I am letting my thoughts run more wildly because I've had three drinks with some of my ND friends, but the scale of this is overwhelming me. What will I feel when I actually see M. for the first time since June?

My friends. Are amazing. Tonight I stopped by the ol' workplace, GM, and was treated to many hugs and warm happy smiles. It was a pleasure to see them, and to feel their genuine happiness to see me. Than being with my ND Russian friend felt so good. Her warmth radiated and I was glad to spend time with her. As I left her and the others I realized, it is going to be heartwrenching to say 'good-bye' to them all as well. I actually grew to like ND in this last year. I loved and missed OR with a fervent passion, but I miss bits of ND too when I am in OR. Part of me is here too. Will I ever be whole if I keep leaving parts of my spirit and soul around? But, I won't stop loving those who come to mean alot to me; even if it takes me a while to get how significant they are in my life.

I am going to bed without the knowledge on how I will face my day tomorrow, or the next, or the next. But, I will try to be that 'strong-willed' woman (in the positive sense) that I have been told that I am.

Good night

Tomorrow I fly back to Bismarck to try and pack mine and the kid's things. M. had told the landlord he'd be out by the 15th. My emotions range between sadness, anxiety, and a sense of strength that leaves me feeling capable of handling the huge emotional turmoil that lies ahead.

I am going to be trying to handle many different things at once, but I hope that it'll all fall together like a simple puzzle, that only looked complicated. :)

I'll write from Bismarck.