Sometimes it feels like we are the single pebble on the beach. No one but us. Nothing but the sand, the water, and the air around us. We feel ourselves contained within a space and a time; our actions our own.

Today I had to think of this. I had to think of how the death of a brother by sucicide; the very act itself created a shock and how the waves of this shock are rippling through each of our lives. We are not contained. We are a part of something that is bigger than ourselves. We are responsible for what and how we make our decisions, but to ignore what lead us to them is folly. It is ignoring the bigger truth. What made us a pebble, and were we not a larger rock at one time?

The bigger truth is outside of ourselves, and it is yet, within us. We must simply find it, acknowledge it, test it to see if it is true, and rest with what is in the end.

I am there. I am the strength when you do not think you have it. Take from me. Rest with me. Climb with me; no one summits Everest alone.

This is your Everest

I picked up a magazine that did an article on Reinhold Messner, one of the greatest mountain climbers known on the world. As I read it, and looked at the photos, I felt that familiar longing to push myself beyond on my limits. Somewhere deep inside me I feel a desire to test myself, to find my maximum capacity and see if I can go beyond what I think that I can. I desire to test myself, and see if I stay straight, bend, or break. I want to know me. I want to know who I am, and I want to be comfortable with it.

As I am contemplating this desire and its source, a voice within my heart speaks. It says:

This is your Everest

I need to change my post so here you go!



Does this cat not look totally content?


Blue makes herself at home when no one is watching


I almost ran over this bullfrog one night on my way home. I brought him home so that the kids could see him. They thought he was a pretty cool frog!


CJ straightened her hair and so she wanted to pose. She is getting big, isn't she?


Natalie loves music. She likes to play the piano, listen to singing and sing-along.

I cannot take you through my journey much more than what I do. It is too personal, sometimes too much, even for me.

But I can tell you this-nothing could have prepared me for this. I cannot think of a single friend, family member, or significant that could have emotionally, mentally, or spiritually prepared me for this journey.

It takes me into places that seem foreign, or covered with dust and cobwebs from neglect. Sometimes I want to look/walk away from what i find, but as I start to do so I find the question, "why?" forming.

As I ask this to myself I begin to feel/think things that are difficult to approach with strength and confidence. I begin to desire a place of comfort, security and strength. When this happens I can not help but feel a longing for the thing that gave me comfort most times, and a sense of security. Although things within this last year had become distant, I seem to recollect more of the emotional memories that left me feeling safe; protected.

I recognize that divorce processes like grief from a death. Thus I often ask myself, "Where am I at?" (in the stages of grief) 'Times it seems that the process is worse then Jon. Is it because Jon died, and M is alive? Therefore I can "push" jon away, but M can distinctly remind me of what's occurring every now and than. Did you know that whenever I read an email, listen to a voicemail, or think of calling M that I start to physically shake? I cannot control it. I'm not upset; I don't cry; I don't get angry-I just shake.

"Why do I suffer", you wonder, "if I forced M into this?" "Why do I suffer if i left m and took his kids from him?" "Why do I suffer if I got what I wanted?" Why? Because this is what I hoped for:

I hoped that my husband would recognize how desperate I must have been for a better marriage if I was willing to risk everything. Because he knew that I knew that he could say, "Fuck you." and "Fuck us." I hoped that my husband would try ANYTHING to work on a marriage that was insuffucient; for the kids. I hoped we'd come to some sort of mutual agreement after processing our shit through counseling and determining what separated us in our marriage and working on those issues. I hoped he'd take a chance and a responsibility to me and to the f-a-m-i-l-y. Granted I sure was putting a lot of hope on something from a distance, but I stand by what I did...I think that where I did it was the healthiest.

I struggle when I think, or believe, I've grown somewhere in my life/mind and discover that maybe I've never actually changed at all. Or when I begin to feel better about something because I believe I did something well, or am personally progressing well through this-and discover the change is not valued by others. It reminds me, who am I living for? Others, or myself? And it brings me all back to the beginning.

In this life of ours we live through experiences that either make us-into people that can give grace, love, forgiveness, understanding, and/or compassion to ourselves and others. Or it breaks us-leaving us feeling angry, bitter, resentful, and discouraged. Me? I want to break- so I can be made.

A nice weekend...

This was inside our condo and it looked right out on to the ocean. The ocean was literally a football's throw away! There were two rooms, a gas fireplace, and a fully stocked kitchenette. Thanks owed to mom's client!


Now, why would I take a pic of this? Well, because it was awesome! I didn't get to actually take a bath in it because the kids fell in love with it, but let me tell you why...it was so deep that when I sat down in it...the top of the tub came up to my neck and I could fully lie out in it!


I woke up Sunday morning to a seagull watching me through the window.


Kids loved the kingsize bed!


Noah was being attacked! Without mercy!

Sunday we watched the whales swim by, had breakfast at the rec center, they played in the heated outdoor pool, and we went for a short walk at the Depot Bay boulevard. The weather was decent, no wind to speak of and a chilly 60ish degrees or so. It was perfect Oregon Beach!

Sunday Noah and Hannah said things that made me smile:

Noah said this as we were all walking together along the oceanside of Depot Bay boulevard: "Mom, I really like this. I wish that we could do this more often. No school, no work, and no school work. Just us as a family. I can not wait for the summer."

Hannah said as we were driving home: "Mom, did you have a good time?" "Yes, I did." "I'm glad that you did mom. Love you."

I'll try to post pics more often. Good night,,,I've got MacroEconomics to do.

Just a couple of thoughts...

First, Noah got elected for student of the month in 1st/2nd grade for his creative writing. The teacher said his stories are a joy to share in class, and that the kids love listening to them.

Hannah is doing well, and Natty G likes her babysitter. So, things are going well in that area. On Saturday after work, the kids and I are going to the coast alone to just be together as a small family for a bit. Mom has a client that owed her money so they traded "goods", and so the kids and I get to spend Saturday night in Depoe Bay.

For the most part, I am doing fine. Occassionally I have days like today where everything just seems so BIG. My job seems like more responsibility than I'll be ever able to manage, my income can not always meet my outgoing (got the babysitter bill today), my schooling seems overwhelming, the emotional needs of my children (particulary the girls) more than I can give, and my own personal stuff so...juxtapose with where I imagined I be at 30.

But than again, where DID I imagine I would be at 30? Honestly, I do not believe that I ever thought too long and hard. I know I wanted to be somewhere in 5-10 years, and I am working on that, but I think my relationship seemed so fragile that I was too timid to look beyond much farther than a year in response to relationships, etc.

I struggle with the ideas I have of how Mark is handling this, and I worry. I worry about him alot. I've put his number on the whiteboard so that the kids can call him whenever they want too. I've never held the phone from them. Noah once said that he considered this a matter between adults, and since he was just a kid, he thought he'd just let us take care of it. (this was when I asked him what he thought about everything) The other night the kids and I went for dinner, and I asked them if they miss their dad and they said yes. And, that they were doing alright, they like living with the dogs, and Aunt CJ, and Nanna and Grandpa. Noah spends time with Grandpa in the Scout, or in the garage.

I wonder how much they'll feel when we are living alone in our own place? Which is unknown at this time...my childcare was over $600 for Sep11-29! I know that is cheap in comparision to other places, but crap! That is more than some places charge for rent! That IS more than our rent was in ND!

I'll manage...always do because I've got great family, great friends, and an internal perservance that gives me the hope and strength to do what I think that I sometimes can't.

I am thankful for:

Friends who are up for late night driving to places they have never been before just because I said it was 'cool'. And, enjoying it! :)

Family that allows me the freedom to go to late night places. (after kids are in bed)

The things that I have learned about myself recently. The changes.

Mark helping me through BSC, so I got accepted into OSU and am now going to school at OSU. This, being a dream of mine for 4 years.

Life. Even when it is down.