Thursday, October 12, 2006

I cannot take you through my journey much more than what I do. It is too personal, sometimes too much, even for me.

But I can tell you this-nothing could have prepared me for this. I cannot think of a single friend, family member, or significant that could have emotionally, mentally, or spiritually prepared me for this journey.

It takes me into places that seem foreign, or covered with dust and cobwebs from neglect. Sometimes I want to look/walk away from what i find, but as I start to do so I find the question, "why?" forming.

As I ask this to myself I begin to feel/think things that are difficult to approach with strength and confidence. I begin to desire a place of comfort, security and strength. When this happens I can not help but feel a longing for the thing that gave me comfort most times, and a sense of security. Although things within this last year had become distant, I seem to recollect more of the emotional memories that left me feeling safe; protected.

I recognize that divorce processes like grief from a death. Thus I often ask myself, "Where am I at?" (in the stages of grief) 'Times it seems that the process is worse then Jon. Is it because Jon died, and M is alive? Therefore I can "push" jon away, but M can distinctly remind me of what's occurring every now and than. Did you know that whenever I read an email, listen to a voicemail, or think of calling M that I start to physically shake? I cannot control it. I'm not upset; I don't cry; I don't get angry-I just shake.

"Why do I suffer", you wonder, "if I forced M into this?" "Why do I suffer if i left m and took his kids from him?" "Why do I suffer if I got what I wanted?" Why? Because this is what I hoped for:

I hoped that my husband would recognize how desperate I must have been for a better marriage if I was willing to risk everything. Because he knew that I knew that he could say, "Fuck you." and "Fuck us." I hoped that my husband would try ANYTHING to work on a marriage that was insuffucient; for the kids. I hoped we'd come to some sort of mutual agreement after processing our shit through counseling and determining what separated us in our marriage and working on those issues. I hoped he'd take a chance and a responsibility to me and to the f-a-m-i-l-y. Granted I sure was putting a lot of hope on something from a distance, but I stand by what I did...I think that where I did it was the healthiest.

I struggle when I think, or believe, I've grown somewhere in my life/mind and discover that maybe I've never actually changed at all. Or when I begin to feel better about something because I believe I did something well, or am personally progressing well through this-and discover the change is not valued by others. It reminds me, who am I living for? Others, or myself? And it brings me all back to the beginning.

In this life of ours we live through experiences that either make us-into people that can give grace, love, forgiveness, understanding, and/or compassion to ourselves and others. Or it breaks us-leaving us feeling angry, bitter, resentful, and discouraged. Me? I want to break- so I can be made.

2 Comments:

At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liz,
I miss our long chats @ the Mill, I miss confiding in you and seeking your opinions in my own relationship. I have read some of your blogs and I know how you hurt. I know it's hard to realize, but you are changing, it's buried under all the pain and anger you feel. Be strong Liz, and soon you will bust through all those layers, I know.

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whenever you need someone in the same situation...give me a call. I will be there for you.

 

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