Miscellanous prose

Happy Holidays! (hug, kiss, hug)

To the folks in ND: we think of you and miss you. It was a very sad experience to call and know everyone was together in one place, but us. I (we) missed the tradition.

So, I tried to do something that I hope becomes a tradition. I took the kids to a movie. We saw "Happy Feet". It is a great movie for kids. I'm going to add this one to our collection. :)

Now for general:

Thursday was a heavy day. Emotionally. This is the first holiday season with out Jon. And, as soon as we get through the holidays, we'll have his anniversary in February, and I'll have my lack of anniversary. When do I think that the rotation of sadness will end? But, this IS the first year, and after that it gets better.

I've had a very interesting couple of weeks, mentally. The journey has been evaluating and encouraging. Sometimes, discouraging. About four weeks ago(?) an old friend from BM (before Mark) got in contact with me and we started to correspond. It was a complete fluke of events that led us to talking. When we saw each other for the first time in something like 12 years it was like we never had time pass between us, everything was as comfortable as it was before. Quickly we became close and shared our disappointments from the last few years, our hurts, and our joys. Laughter and teasing seemed to be our favorite way of conversing. Reasonably so, I began to feel a sense of caring that I thought I wouldn't feel for a long time. But, I also began to sense something that I did not expect; fear.

Our lives are not ready for anything more than conversations, so we agreed to not talk but through email. But, the self journey has shown me that though my spirit may be willing to explore new relationships, and sometimes I may think I am 100% ready to give new people a try...I have a lot to unravel in my heart first. I still refer to Mark as my husband in conversation (though he called himself my "ex" the other night), and I while I do not wear my band on my hand I think that I still wear it on my heart. Last night my friend D (that is the above guy) asked me a very poignant question, and asked himself, "Let's say that Mark asks you to lunch when he comes out in Dec., and he said, ' Liz, I really thought about things and I want to make this marriage work. I'll go to counseling, I'll do whatever I need to do; will you give us another try?'. What would you say, what would you do?" Well, I groaned because that was such a heavy question and I did not want to go towards that sort of discussion. (remember, we like to laugh) But, as he answered that he'd give his marriage another try because he felt that he had too...and as he continued to give his eight minute answer (lol)...I began to sort out my own answer.

Here it is: I'd say yes because I felt that I had to give honor to the committment that I made to my vows and to my children. I'd say no because I'd feel that Mark was not asking because he loved me, but because he wanted to try and give his committment more effort as well. I want the kids to have a secure home with two parents who love them and are devoted to them, but I also want them to see two parents who are devoted to each other because of a passion and compassion for each other. I do not want them to live in a home where the adults simply live with each other, but I want them to see playfulness (on a common level), loving touches that speak a mysterious message, and acts of selflessness given out of love for one another.

Mark and I had that; occassionally. And those were good times. Those are the times I remember and make me miss him with all my heart.

Yes, I live in a fanasty world, I've been told that for as long as I can recall. For example, when we were little we visited our Grandmother in Canada for a couple of summers. She lived in a very old victorian home on a piece of property that was sort of off a backroad. Because of the state of her plumbing we kids had to use a select piece of her property as our "toilet", which I don't think that any of us minded so much. It was like an adventure! Well, the story I was told was that I used to cover my crap with rocks and moss; and one day when I was asked why I made such a big deal about placing the moss "just so" I responded with something like, "Well, the crap will fertilize the moss and when we come back in a few years we'll have a nice pretty moss bed that we can have a picnic on." I was five. I do not think that my hope for prettier and better things in my future have changed much. Sorry folks.

I've got a full day today. I hope you all have a good day and I think of each and every one of you. (yes, you too Michelle!!)

Cute pics

Yesterday my beautiful sis (who has more energy than I) agreed to take Hannah and Natalie for the evening so I could take Noah on a special date. So, last night after I got off work Noah, D., and I went to Eugene where we went to a ice cream parlor that I used to go to as a kid, and to the Terwilliger Hotsprings. Noah had a blast!

The ice cream parlor was just as neat as I remembered. Noah had a delicious hot fudge devils' cake sundae and we had the most rich and smooth shakes that I've ever had. (yum!)

Afterwards, we drove to Terwilliger where we found a posted sign that said the water temp was only recorded at 87 degrees, but we decided " what the heck, let's try it anyway!" Once we got there and all dressed down into our shorts, we climbed into water that while I wasn't completely impressed with (I like it HOT)... Noah thought it was absolutely great! We spent about an hour and a half just sitting, goofing around, and talking. We had a great time.

When we got back to the car I made Noah a comfy bed of pillows and down comforter; he fell asleep promptly after the car started. (lol)

I want to do this with sort of date thing with each of my kids. Give them a time to hang with mom with no other siblings.

Good News

Noah and Hannah were Cougar Leaders for the month of October!

Noah was announced as "Student of the Month" for 2nd grade.

I am officially hired by the company I have been working as a temp for. I am now a full-time salary Teller Supervisor, with BENEFITS!!

Natalie? She is just as cute as ever. :)

Karuna (I attempt)

Sunday I went into work at Headquarters to help with some of the upgrade on the network system; basically to help make sure that the conversion was running well. (talking computer network here) And, I was given an amount of mail and asked to process it in the phone center, to make certain that we didn't have any glitches (we found a few). Once I sat down in the little cubicle I had an uneasy experience of "confinement", and determined that I would not do well in a job that kept me from having interactions with customers/members. After awhile, I began to think that yes, I could work a job that involved cubes, but I would rely heavily on my relationships with my coworkers to get me through my day. I began to think about Mark.

I never contemplated his job before. I never contemplated how "confining" it might seem sometimes. One day, I sat at my desk and thought about how much I didn't like my job because of all that I felt completely inadequate at, and yet, I could not leave it because it gives me what I need right now. Combining this with the cubicle experience, I began to develop a whole new recognition of Mark and his devotion to his job.

I used to just listen to Mark talk about his coworkers, but had I known to what level he actually relied on them to get him through his day...I might have shown a lot more interest in them and his day. I think that I would have done many things differently had I actually understood what it meant to be in a cube farm, with coworkers sometimes being the ones who pulled you through.

Also something else happened that asked me to define my knowledge of Karuna. Mark talked to the kids last night. Everyone ended up crying. Mark cried with Noah; Noah and I cried while the girls huddled over us trying to comfort us. How far can my level and understanding of compassion go?

I do not think that I could move back. I want to move back for the simple fact of giving Mark the ability to be in the same area of his kids, but logistically...I have nothing to go back too. I also believe when I look inside my spirit and soul, that I am not ready to go anywhere. Whatever growth has happened, will fade away if I do not remain here for awhile. Why? Because it is not absorbed yet. They are thoughts and awareness that have formed and presented themselves to my consciousness, but they have not changed my person yet. I need to open more of myself. But! what makes me believe that I am worth more than Mark? What makes me believe that my needs are of more value than Mark's? It is so difficult to balance what I feel compassion for, and what can actually be done. And, there are the kids to consider too.

Mark asked me a question that was so hard to answer. He asked, "Tell me honestly Liz, do you think that we are meant to be together?" I gave him my initial answer and he says, "Okay. Thanks for your 8-minute answer, but I ask again and I want only a 'yes' or 'no'. Do you think we are meant to be together?" I paused and searched my heart and searched again because I did not want to answer the response that came to my mind. Finally I force it out, "No" and he says, "Exactly."

So, how do we deal with what we've got now?