Karuna (I attempt)

Sunday I went into work at Headquarters to help with some of the upgrade on the network system; basically to help make sure that the conversion was running well. (talking computer network here) And, I was given an amount of mail and asked to process it in the phone center, to make certain that we didn't have any glitches (we found a few). Once I sat down in the little cubicle I had an uneasy experience of "confinement", and determined that I would not do well in a job that kept me from having interactions with customers/members. After awhile, I began to think that yes, I could work a job that involved cubes, but I would rely heavily on my relationships with my coworkers to get me through my day. I began to think about Mark.

I never contemplated his job before. I never contemplated how "confining" it might seem sometimes. One day, I sat at my desk and thought about how much I didn't like my job because of all that I felt completely inadequate at, and yet, I could not leave it because it gives me what I need right now. Combining this with the cubicle experience, I began to develop a whole new recognition of Mark and his devotion to his job.

I used to just listen to Mark talk about his coworkers, but had I known to what level he actually relied on them to get him through his day...I might have shown a lot more interest in them and his day. I think that I would have done many things differently had I actually understood what it meant to be in a cube farm, with coworkers sometimes being the ones who pulled you through.

Also something else happened that asked me to define my knowledge of Karuna. Mark talked to the kids last night. Everyone ended up crying. Mark cried with Noah; Noah and I cried while the girls huddled over us trying to comfort us. How far can my level and understanding of compassion go?

I do not think that I could move back. I want to move back for the simple fact of giving Mark the ability to be in the same area of his kids, but logistically...I have nothing to go back too. I also believe when I look inside my spirit and soul, that I am not ready to go anywhere. Whatever growth has happened, will fade away if I do not remain here for awhile. Why? Because it is not absorbed yet. They are thoughts and awareness that have formed and presented themselves to my consciousness, but they have not changed my person yet. I need to open more of myself. But! what makes me believe that I am worth more than Mark? What makes me believe that my needs are of more value than Mark's? It is so difficult to balance what I feel compassion for, and what can actually be done. And, there are the kids to consider too.

Mark asked me a question that was so hard to answer. He asked, "Tell me honestly Liz, do you think that we are meant to be together?" I gave him my initial answer and he says, "Okay. Thanks for your 8-minute answer, but I ask again and I want only a 'yes' or 'no'. Do you think we are meant to be together?" I paused and searched my heart and searched again because I did not want to answer the response that came to my mind. Finally I force it out, "No" and he says, "Exactly."

So, how do we deal with what we've got now?