Today...

Mood: pissy, tired-unable to move limbs beyond required action.

Reason: got a call from school re: withdrawal from semester and financial aid. Owe $216. That is okay, but oh yeh...I withdrew because my brother died and I had to go to PDX. Oh yeh, he didn't die of natural causes, he chose to take his life. Oh yeh, that just brings a wealth of emotion and thoughts. Oh yeh, I do not want to deal with them. Oh yeh, that is why it is nice to be living in ND right now.

"Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming"

Two days after getting back from PDX I had asked Mark if he had seen the Rocas that Grand Aunt P. had put into a box of stuff for us. (She is the "candy Aunt"). He said, "No."

Today, I found them. Behind a LOT of stuff and sneakly hidden in the corner of the girls' closet.

Secretly I laugh because in my family there is a sad, but true, story regarding me and Cheeze-Its, a bottle of wine, and a closet. (Mario, to you I can never apologize enough!!)

Check Out

www.memory-of.com

That should read '1998', but you all know that. :)

I've been struck with many things recently, many of them private and whatnot (yes, for all my confessions, I still hold many to myself), but one that I want to honor right now is, my husband.

Mark is what I need, nothing I want, and everything in between those two concepts. Before I married I had an ideal image of a husband in my mind-the image of a christ-loving man who worked to be "perfected" through the power of God. I married something else in reality, and it broke my spirit. I felt weakened, angry, bitter, resentful, and I held back myself.

Through these eight years of marriage I have come to learn who Mark is, and while there are things that irritate me and other things that I won't stand down on, I have learned the most important thing-true love is truly unconditional. Despite all I mentioned above, Mark has given his heart, his soul, and his spirit to this marriage, and me. I know that there are things that he reserves for the company of his friends, and while he may wish to present these in our marriage, he respects my feelings and withholds them for more appropriate company. I am thankful! Mark has never gotten on his knees and begged me to be anything more than what I am capable of, and he has been patient beyond anyone's justification. He has been long-suffering, forgiving, patient, enduring, and sacrificing.

When my brother passed away something deepened in him, and in me. Together we began to question faith and together we began to reach out. I noticed last night that Mark was holding my hand, with no reason, and than I thought: "Mark has really made an effort to be there for me. He has asked me if I want him home, before he tells his friends that he can socialize with them. He has been gracious with the lack of housecleaning, he has been patient with my long work hours on the weekends, he has made an effort to discover how I am feeling, and he has been more 'quiet'." I feel a very deep appreciation for him right now.

In my mind I desired this "particular sort" of partner, and I also acknowledge that Mark has had that as well. Yet, we remain committed to each other. We know that what we have, is what we have and nothing else would be better. I can not imagine taking my hairband out of my hair and walking out into the living room with wild 80s bangs with anyone else.

Last night conversation:

M-"What did you do to your hair?"

L-"I wore a headband today. Sometimes it looks funny when I take it out."

He is quiet for a moment, and than I catch him looking at me, "No. Really. What did you do to your hair?"

I can not imagine trying to cough out a loogey from my morning throat with anyone else in the house. (yes, it sounds as gross as it reads, but no matter how "quiet" I try to be...it's just gross.) I have become comfortable with Mark, and in regards to particular things...he has unfortunately become comfortable with me too. ;-)

Mark has never tried to be someone other than himself, this I can quote, but he also has never asked me to be someone that I am not. He does not run, bike, or whatever other outdoor interest I may have, but he has never discouraged me from pursuing them. He gives me space to do them, and I in turn give him space to pursue his interests. I miss not having a companion that I can do these things with, but I always had my sisters or brothers. Mark has found good friends to do his interests with. Yes, we need to create "our time", and we know this, but I think that we know that despite the "our time" we are committed.

Humanity is flawed. Our preceptions, our ideals, our pursuits-are flawed. I think the only thing we can do is accept the flaws and learn to live with grace, love, and the truth we believe.

Learning to love with maturity because I have a good teacher.

The following is a blog post written by some guy, Longbrake.com. I found it on my wanderings today, my mindless brain-numbing wanderings. My lack of purpose or direction activity that eases my mind and prevents me from cleaning my house...yes, it is a waste of time. Anyway, read and tell me what you think. For me, it was very insightful and slightly calming to my spirit. Dad, here is another "nudge". ;-)

I've put in color the particulary revelant parts, in my mind's eye.

Love you!
____________________________________
2.11.2006

restored
Grieving is difficult. There are moments in life that seemingly take over everything inside of you and you almost lose control of your emotions. Have you had any times in your life like this? Have you ever been hit with something so terrible and so painful that the only way you could stand was because someone else was holding you up? And then if you're anything like me you become so self-conscious when you cry because you don't want anyone to see that you are in a state of weakness.It's difficult because it is vulnerable, and vulnerability takes tremendous amounts of trust. And the real problem is the fact that so many times the moment of grief comes because trust was abandoned. A father leaves his family. A boy breaks the heart of a girl. And in other cases there are moments of abandonment that are not by choice but are very real, such as death. When someone dies there is this feeling as though you are left out to dry, and it wasn't even their fault. So then you wonder is God abandoning me? Where is His unfailing love?

There was this very surreal time in my life when I was 12, and at that same time a few of my friends were going through almost the exact same thing that I was going through. One of my friend's father left his family for another woman. Two other friends had their father die and still another friend's father died all around the same time. It was unbelievable. I remember wondering what good could ever come of such a time. But in a way it was so healing because we could all grieve together. It was a comfort to know that there were other people thinking the same thoughts and having the same emotions. We would get together and unload all of our emotions and we would cry and cry and cry. I wonder if God had some of these events happen at approximately the same time so that we could go through them together.There was beautiful release in all of it. I really can't explain it to you, but it was healing. My soul felt healed. I left those times thinking that I was going to make it. That I was going to be ok.

The story of Lazarus has been brought to my attention in a new way in the last two days. I was watching a short film in the Nooma series called 'Matthew'. The film deals with the sort of thing I've been writing about, and honestly the sort of thing I've been wrestling with deep inside for the past 10 years. Right in the middle of it my friend Matthew calls me and without any prompting from me asks how I've been doing lately in regards to dealing with the fact that I've had trouble grieving about some things from my past. It was unreal the way he called right in the middle of the whole thing. Matthew is a friend that, in a way, heals me. Restores me. He is so faithful to see how I'm doing concerning the things that matter the most to me, even if they took place as long as 10 years ago. He asks me hard questions that I don't want to answer because my answers show such weakness, but he knows I need to talk about them and he does it with incredible gentleness and patience. Matthew sees right through me. He brings truth into my life that I am blind to. For instance, I have a hard time letting others in on my problems and my emotions because I have this fear of burdening others. I remember going through the pain of my mothers death and thinking to myself if this is so hard why whould I want to bother other people with it? Not healthy, I know, but it's how I feel. Matthew sees through this and brings it out of me so I can deal with it. It's amazing how he knows what's going on in my mind.Then after Matthew and I ended our conversation I resumed the DVD.Rob Bell starts talking about John 11 where Jesus' friend Lazarus dies. After a few days Jesus goes to Lazarus' village where he meets with family and friends of Lazarus who are deep in mourning over the loss of their friends. And then John pens these two eloquent words that ring deep within me:Jesus wept.I find such freedom in these words. Bell says something to the affect of 'if the Son of God needs to let it out, then maybe we need to as well.' I don't think that Jesus was feeling any sort of weakness when He grieved over the loss of His friend. I don't think that the self-conscious thoughts that I have when I cry entered His mind when He cried.I have been learning that whatever I was feeling, it was ok.

Whatever I am feeling is ok. Questions. Anger. Despair. Frustration. Helplessness. All of these things are ok, but I can't let them take over who I am. I have been trying with great honesty to tell God what I am feeling. I tell Him as though He's sitting in the car seat next to me asking me what I'm thinking. I tell Him as though He's grieving with me, right there by my side. I think He wants this honesty. I don't think He wants me to candy coat my emotions so that I appear stronger than I am. It's at these times that His words come to my mind, that in my weakness He is strong. I believe with all of my soul that He sits there right beside me going through it all with me. I remember times when I was crying wondering if He was there with His arms around me, because I felt that He was, if you can believe it.I don't know where you've been. I don't know if you lost someone you loved, if you were ever betrayed or abandoned, or if trust was broken. But I do know that He wants to grieve with you. He wants you to be weak so He can be strong. I believe He wants to sit there with you in your tears in just the same way He's sat with me in mine and in the same way He sat with Lazarus' family. I am only learning now what it means to be restored by Him, and it's 10 years after the fact. But all that's to say that it doesn't matter if you hurt 10 years ago or 10 days ago,...He wants to sit with you.

Warning:

Tastes like...DOG FOOD!

Friday before the service some of us got together to remember Jon on his favorite mountain, doing his favorite snow sport (snowboarding), except Liorah and I used blades. Jon mocked blades, so Liorah says. :)These are two of Jon's most favorite people, Andrea and Andy. They were with Jon through everything; climbing, bad news, good news, crazy "short-cuts", and life.
Shortly after this engorssing conversation they raised their heads and said, "Is Jon still at the funeral home? Shit! We got to go get his ashes!"
My brother, Aaron, decided he didn't like my glasses after seeing this pic. Me? I think he looks hot!
A group pic outside Jon and Andy's favorite bar in Government camp. Jon hung out at Gov. Camp on the weekends, sleeping in his car or staying at someone's house. :)
Isn't she beautiful?!
Left from right: Reverand Joshua (family friend), Dad, and Jon's boss.
Left from right: Jana (very awesome woman!), Cindy, and Jay aka "Christian" (Jon's rock climbing friend)
My daughter gave her barbie a haircut. I think she needs to go to beauty school first. What do you think?

My sister said it best with her blog title, "Is there an expiration date for feelings?". I went back to work the day after I flew in with the kids, and seemed fine. Mind in a fog, but fine. Saturday I worked over 13 hours (no sitting) and found that serving was not as easy as it used to be, I couldn't seem to focus straight and I was "slow". Sunday I went to work and was in the bar serving, and after I dropped someone's calazone (it takes 15-20 minutes to make) I just couldn't seem to keep my thoughts straight. I was forgetting things, taking too long because I had to double back on my trips, and just a space-case. I literally felt a "fog" over my mental state. My co-worker was awesome and was really acting like a teammate and without any prompt from me, was picking up where he saw I needed help. Finally, I told him why I was so "out-of-it" and he empathically understood...he had the same thing happen to him once and he had got the call on his way in to work...that was the absolute worst work day of his life. Anyway, later an associate came to work and wanted me to share a drink with her so I did (after work of course) and following that we met some co-workers of mine at a local sports bar. It turns out that a co-worker had lost his son some years ago on the same day as Jon's death. As he grieved and I comforted him, he began to seek my grief. I only told him how my brother gave the best hugs in the world, and that I'll miss his, "I love you more". He wanted me to grieve, and when I didn't he complained that I was too strong and needed to relax and let others in. I decided it was time to go. I told him I grieve, but in my chosen times. He smiled. I left.

Chosen times? Obviously I can't do it well. My work is affected, my mental state is 'fogged" over, and my thoughts and emotions run from molasses slow to melted butter fast. How long is this acceptable? I want to get over this, but yet I want to hold onto my brother. I realized the other day while lying in bed that my brother was my chosen "alpha" in regards to my kids. Mark is their dad and their teacher of life, love, etc., but for the aggressive, outdoors, physical fit type-I had chosen Jon to lead them. Did I ever tell him this? No. Wish that I had? Yes. Mark is devoted and loves his kids more than life itself, there is no disputing this. Does he have a fierce passion for the outdoors that makes one deeply desire to share it with others and give them an intimate outlook on Nature? No, and that is okay, but I do want my kids to have this and it was in Jon that I had placed my hope for a man to teach them. Jon loved my kids, he adored them. Sometimes I have wondered, if we lived in OR would he have done it? Would the knowledge of my kids and what he meant to them been enough? Or was his pain just too deep? These are the "what if" questions that can not be focused on, and I know that reality is that I am in ND and nothing could have changed that. I made the choice to follow my husband, and that is all there is to that. I chose my married family, which is proper and right. Home is where your heart is, and maybe that is why I have no home though. I am trying to be in two places at once; I feel "at home" amongst my family in OR, but feel I should be with my family in ND.

I placed more on my brother than I had ever told him. I placed the teaching of the outdoors to my children, I leaned on him when ever I saw him, I sought great hugs from him (and always found them), I sought a feeling of comfort from him , and I gave him great responsibility in watching over my children as he played with them. I had copious amounts of trust in him. Maybe I placed too much on him, but I hope that I had given him back an equal share of love and strength. I told Liorah that I was surprised that his love for her was not enough to keep him from hurting her so much, and she said, "i thought he loved you more." And I was amazed. Honestly I do not think that he loved any one of us more, but I thought he would have felt a "commitment" to Liorah. He was one of Liorah's best best friends. However her statment has caused me to ponder, "What do I mean to my brother and sisters? How am I defined in their eyes? What is my value to their life?" What I want is: to be their strength when they feel weak, to be one of their best friends-feeling that they can share anything and everything with me, to have their trust and confidence, to be their solace and their energy. I value them SO much that I want them to have no doubt as to my passion for them. Jon has awoken that, for that I have to thank him.

Perhaps Jon awoke within all of us the desire to stand by each other with more fervent purpose and to be more accepting of one another, to verbalize our love and commitment to those in our life, and to show our passion for what we value in life. Perhaps our family would have slowly withered to tentative commitments, had he not awaken our senses to what family is and what it means. I wish that Jon was here to experience this awakening, I wish that I could say to him all the things he gave value to in my life, but now I'll have to convey that through how I act towards those that are left. This will take a bit of time, but hopefully when my mind clears I will have become better in my conveyance of my passions and my love to those in my life.

PS.
Had any other person in this family have done this, Jon would have been so pissed that he would have wanted to raise us from the dead just so that he could murder us! (lol)

Where my tears come from

(missing in picture my loving bro: Aaron)

Where do my tears come from? They come from learning the pain of my siblings. I read their blogs and see their pain...and unbided my tears come. I feel my pain, but I can contain it...I can control it for the times that are appropriate and intimate for me. But when I learn of my siblings pain, I break...their suffering causes my heart to bleed. Still, I give them respect by not being theatrical in my suffering for them. I give them space to bleed in private and confess their sorrow to themself. Siblings, when I say "I love you" and you say "I love you" and than I say 'I love you more"-I am saying I am there and will be wherever you want to meet me. You can cry, you can talk, or you can say nothing at all. I am there! And nothing you do or say will affect how I feel in my lifetime devotion to you.

I love you more!

Your forever sister

PS
In a week or so I will give you more light hearted blogs, just be patient with me in my grief. Thanks.

In loving tribute

Sunday we (Liorah, Cindy, Aaron, and I) went and paid a loving tribute to our brother Jon. Liorah and Cindy say Jon always wanted a tattoo.
Normally, I am against the idea of a tattoo, because it doesn't seem worth putting something on your body that in time may mean nothing. But this was a bit different, and I wanted to do something with Liorah and Cindy in their honor of Jon. It was a bit painful, and I wish that I had placed it lower to make it more discreet in swimsuit season, but than I remember the pain of the needle affecting the entire area, and I think-no, it is okay where it is at.

I vacillate between nothing and something. Some little insight or another will cause my heart to grieve, and than I finish my thought and move on to the next thing. My saddest experience of the heart is when I listen to Liorah and Cindy relate their stories of Jon, and I realize that I did not know him as they know him. yes, I love him with a fierce love that burns deep, but as a companion, I did not really know him-and I am jealous. I know that I would not have been able to do all that they did because I have my family and other such responsibilities tied to that, but I would have been able to participate in at least half of their crazy stuff. I am not Liorah, and I am not Cindy, or any other wild/crazy friend he had in his life...but I know that I would have given myself as a shelter when he wanted one. If it was not Liorah he sought it from. I am not stating any "if onlys" what I am stating is, "I miss not being able to experience my brother and his life as others were gifted to experience." I want to be available to experience my other siblings.

My grief process will take a long time. My sorrow will relieve itself in little increments, and my wonderings will answer themself in time. I am patient with that knowledge, I hope others will be too.

Adios.

Memorial

Saturday we will be holding a memorial service to remember Jon's life, and the great times he had.

Til then, we prepare our memories...:) I love you Jon.

Happy Anniversay

Today I have been married 8 yrs., and today I went to a funeral home to view my brother one last time.

The body that I saw did not look like my brother, it did not resemble the man I have loved so long. I remember a face full of light, and always with a smile. This face was bruised and dark from lack of oxygen, it was NOT my brother.

I am trying to understand, I'm trying to accept, I'm trying to adjust. It is going to take a long time.

I have been told that as my brother sought acceptance in life, we should give it to him in death. We should trust that he knew what he was doing and give him that acceptance.

Part of my pain is how I see how separate I am from my brothers and sisters. And how while we are each part of this family, we are also each an individual and an island to themself. That is what I am finding hard, I can not intrude on anyone's thoughts, feelings, or presence without their consent. So, I become an island too.

I know that it is not okay, but I am trying to find my place of healing. Yes, Liz...it is okay to cry, it is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry.

Johnathan William Riutzel

August 22, 1982(?)-February 5, 2006

"Jon, I love you we ALL love you"

Isn't she cute? She looks like her brother Aidan. This is Lilliana, my sister Marion's baby girl. She has 3 kids all together.


I got this cute pic as an email, and than got a lovely letter from my bro (he nevers writes) and so yesterday was a "homesick" day. It hasn't passed yet. God, I miss my family and miss Oregon. I miss them so much that certain songs, certain weather temps, certain smells carried across the wind, even certain foods make me want to cry. Pathetic perhaps, but gosh! They're all like my best, best friends; my cheerleaders; my mentors; my team mates; and my loving critics. Not going to Oregon this next summer is going to be tough, very tough. My desire to be there is not just for me, but for my kids too. I grew up surrounded by family and I want my kids to be surrounded by cousins, aunts, uncles too. There just always seemed to be someone to play with. My brother Jon talks about taking Noah rock climbing at Smith, and I want to cry. God! Noah would love it! Liorah likes to take them kayaking, and they LOVE that! In the summer there are so many lakes and rivers to swim in, plus if you're numb to freezing water-the ocean is great for wave jumping. So many trails to hike that even I who have lived there all my functional life have not hiked them all. (Course mom had to take 6-7 kids everywhere, would you go hiking every weekend?) The seasons on the coast are great, especially when mom and dad rent a cabin for the weekend. Most of the times though we just went for the entire day, everyone but mom falling asleep on the drive back home; exhausted from running in the sand, looking for creatures in the tide pools, trying to catch crab off the dock, or darting in between the big rocks on the jetty. Numerous camping possibilities in the summer, so many places to go that you do not have to be around people if you do not want to be. Visiting Seattle and going to the Edmonds Beach when the tide is out and looking for unusual creatures under rocks; visiting downtown and seeing all its neat places (like Pike Market, the Science Center, the music Museum, and THE Folk Festival!); sitting around talking to cousins and Aunts. Oh, of course, riding the ferry!

I am tearful now, because I miss it all.
________________________________________
PS
Okay, okay. I know that there is nothing so special about Oregon that North Dakota can not offer the same. I know that this is where the other side of kids' family lives and that they are just as important and special too. I KNOW this. I know this.

I am not saying that my family is a priority over any one else's, I am just saying that I miss them immensely, and those in OR (mine family and not my family) they miss the kids too.