That should read '1998', but you all know that. :)

I've been struck with many things recently, many of them private and whatnot (yes, for all my confessions, I still hold many to myself), but one that I want to honor right now is, my husband.

Mark is what I need, nothing I want, and everything in between those two concepts. Before I married I had an ideal image of a husband in my mind-the image of a christ-loving man who worked to be "perfected" through the power of God. I married something else in reality, and it broke my spirit. I felt weakened, angry, bitter, resentful, and I held back myself.

Through these eight years of marriage I have come to learn who Mark is, and while there are things that irritate me and other things that I won't stand down on, I have learned the most important thing-true love is truly unconditional. Despite all I mentioned above, Mark has given his heart, his soul, and his spirit to this marriage, and me. I know that there are things that he reserves for the company of his friends, and while he may wish to present these in our marriage, he respects my feelings and withholds them for more appropriate company. I am thankful! Mark has never gotten on his knees and begged me to be anything more than what I am capable of, and he has been patient beyond anyone's justification. He has been long-suffering, forgiving, patient, enduring, and sacrificing.

When my brother passed away something deepened in him, and in me. Together we began to question faith and together we began to reach out. I noticed last night that Mark was holding my hand, with no reason, and than I thought: "Mark has really made an effort to be there for me. He has asked me if I want him home, before he tells his friends that he can socialize with them. He has been gracious with the lack of housecleaning, he has been patient with my long work hours on the weekends, he has made an effort to discover how I am feeling, and he has been more 'quiet'." I feel a very deep appreciation for him right now.

In my mind I desired this "particular sort" of partner, and I also acknowledge that Mark has had that as well. Yet, we remain committed to each other. We know that what we have, is what we have and nothing else would be better. I can not imagine taking my hairband out of my hair and walking out into the living room with wild 80s bangs with anyone else.

Last night conversation:

M-"What did you do to your hair?"

L-"I wore a headband today. Sometimes it looks funny when I take it out."

He is quiet for a moment, and than I catch him looking at me, "No. Really. What did you do to your hair?"

I can not imagine trying to cough out a loogey from my morning throat with anyone else in the house. (yes, it sounds as gross as it reads, but no matter how "quiet" I try to be...it's just gross.) I have become comfortable with Mark, and in regards to particular things...he has unfortunately become comfortable with me too. ;-)

Mark has never tried to be someone other than himself, this I can quote, but he also has never asked me to be someone that I am not. He does not run, bike, or whatever other outdoor interest I may have, but he has never discouraged me from pursuing them. He gives me space to do them, and I in turn give him space to pursue his interests. I miss not having a companion that I can do these things with, but I always had my sisters or brothers. Mark has found good friends to do his interests with. Yes, we need to create "our time", and we know this, but I think that we know that despite the "our time" we are committed.

Humanity is flawed. Our preceptions, our ideals, our pursuits-are flawed. I think the only thing we can do is accept the flaws and learn to live with grace, love, and the truth we believe.

Learning to love with maturity because I have a good teacher.