I have a post drafted to honor Natalie today, since it is her 3rd BIRTHDAY today, but I need to work on it some more.
I was thinking about my problems getting into a counselor who is readily accepted with our insurance (all booked until mid-May) and than I thought, "I'll write to you." You're my "free" counselor. I pay for this blogging crap with my personal dignity.
I can not figure out what is wrong. I mean, I feel so lethargic all the time. If I did not have responsibilities, I'd be in bed all the time. I have been sick off and on for quite a while, but not the really "drop dead" sick, but more the "god, I feel like I have no energy and I don't feel good and I just want to lie down" sick. I have been suffering from a sore throat this last week and today it hit the roof with, "Shit! I can't swallow w/o it feeling like I'm trying to swallow a LARGE (grandmother size) horse pill that is stuck in the back of my mouth and it has rubbed my throat raw!" I do not feel bad anywhere else. My ears feel fine and aside from feeling lethargic, there appears to be nothing else wrong. Since I don't want to talk, the kids and Mark should be happy.
I have done the following to try and get rid of this lethargy:
a) take 500 mg of B-5/day
b) take multi-vit w/high B-vit complex
c) take Effexar XR
d) take Cod Liver Oil (10 mL)
Aside from excercising, which seems like a task to big to tackle, I am trying what I thought would help ease this "cloud" from my brain.
I do not think that Jon's death should be playing such a large factor in all of this because...I have accepted his death. Or at least, I think that I have. I am not mad at him, nor do I feel any anger at the whole "idea" of him being gone. If anything, I am simply sad. But should sadness weigh so heavily?
I am more sad because I am away from the ones that I love so dearly (see, I had no tears in my eyes until now). Jon's death told me that I need to feel like I am a part of my siblings' lives, and in my parents'. Before, it was simply wishing that I was not so far away, but now it is deeper than that. I have to go home this summer.
I do not know what to do. I want to "fix" this lethargy. I want to have energy again, and I want to be a productive adult again without feeling like it takes so much energy to do it. Everything I do is half-assed, and sooner or later it is going to be my un-doing.
Someone tell me, what should I do? I do not want to feel this way, and yet, what I do does not seem to help...anyone have a suggestion?
PS. Natalie's b-day post will be up tonight. She is such a doll!
posted by liveasyouchoose @ 12:49 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I had the same exact problem. Luckily, I had no real commitments except for work. But this worked for and against me. I went longer without admitting how I felt because no one was around to notice and if someone did happen to notice then I could make up something. I couldn't seem to find a reason to get out of bed and every reason to stay. My body didn't have an ounce of energy to spare. I didn't even want to get up to do the basics, like eat, go to the bathroom, or shower. The world could've stopped turning and I wouldn't have even cared to notice.
I tried herbal remedies, I tried writing, painting,hiking, meditation.... anything I could think of to make it go away. What I finally had to do was seek professional advice. And when I did, I was told it was depression. Depression can go unnoticed because it manifests itself in physical ways. I had to find what it was that was bringing on the depression and fix it. In my case it was a relationship. It was unhealthy and mentally abusive. I ended up going having to walk away from it because I was afraid in the end that the physical problems brought on by the depression would eventually kill me. I am healthy and happy and have all my energy back. The illnesses have subsided. It wasn't easy, leaving was hard, but it didn't kill me. You just need to take it slowly, think about anything that may be causing you emotional distress, so much so that it is sometimes overwhelming. You are worth everything. Your brother's death is probably bringing to light something in you that's been dormant for awhile. You've been on the edge and the heartache and lonliness you feel now are the last straw, so to speak. Listen to your body, listen to your heart. Be where you need to be right now to heal.
liz, make an appointment with an MD and have them run a complete chem screen including Epstein-Barr, Mono, cytomeglavirus and ANA. sounds viral on top of depression. i know you are taking the effexor however the dose may need raised though getting into a counselor is a better long term solution. Grief is a stress and our bodies get sick more easily. What with the rash etc. have them run the viral and autoimmune screens, please. mom
Call me and we will talk when you find some time in your busy life.
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