The other day I had a good talk with my sister Liorah, and since than I have felt my emotions; instead of bottling them up. Now, I cry at night before I fall asleep and now I cry spontaneously during the day. It feels alright. I am not trying to be "strong", now I am being real.

Last night, before I went to bed I walked by my brother's spot in my house,and for a moment I was caught by a picture.


And as I looked at it I remembered his fun laugh and the kids calling him, "Uncle Jon!". When I put the picture down I said, "I'm sorry Jon."

I do not judge my brother. One day as I kept telling myself, "This too will pass." (This is one of my mottos in hard times) I realized that my brother said that too, but one day...he felt it just wasn't going to pass and that the knowledge of living without it passing was just too difficult. If I really believed that my hard times wouldn't pass, and that my kids would survive, I would reason his decision. However, I always seem to see a hint of a beautiful sunset which tells me that I just need to keep aiming for the horizion. Over there is something worth viewing and worth living for.

Things have been shaken up for me lately. I have realized that I NEED my family in Oregon. I need them as Mark has need of his dad. I do not know if this is true fact or a highly charged emotional one, but last night I thought, "I will not be able to heal fully and completely until I am with my family because while I am away I feel a piece of me is gone, and it leaves a void. This void creates a sense of loss, which makes healing difficult."

I've never wanted to be a smalltown minded woman whose happiness is satisfied with soley working at a local job (which is providing but isn't want you really want), family, and partying on the weekend. I've always wanted a taste of experience and adventure. I do not mind being considered "weird and eccentric" because it means I love to live life vs letting life live me. I have seen so many women around here who seem to just let life take them, instead of them taking life and it bothers me. It makes me feel isolated. It shocks me that I want to go back to Oregon, because I never wanted to lack in travels, but in my time of pain, I feel I need to be back at my homebase with my unit.

As Mark is reading this he is probably feeling hurt/upset that I do not see our "unit" as my "homebase", and I can understand that feeling. I also think that he could understand if he imagined what he saw while we were in Oregon for Jon's service. I think he almost felt like an outsider with all the "togetherness" there was around siblings, cousins, aunts, and parents. But he was a great support for me, he let me do what I needed too and he even bought me 2 pds of Sees' Chocolates! (I think I got about 4-6 pieces of it)

"Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that never can end."-Richard Bach