Today was beautiful

Today we all went to the river to spend time along its gracious shore. And, it was very nice. The wind was strong, but Mark still caught 2 catfish, and than there all the other nibbles he probably had but didn't know about because of the wind on his lines. The kids and I went for a walk along the beat-up road and saw so many neat birds and heard the music of crickets and wind through the cottonwoods. They found ALL the mud puddles along the road and had to test out each ones' depth and 'stickiness'. We found a neat little bend in the river that enabled the kids to play in the shallow water and build a dam that later turned into a "hottub"; as they soon discovered that the sun heats up shallow water. :) Meanwhile I sat up on shore intent on reading a book, but ended up engrossed on watching the ants. Whoever said ants are smart must not have been talking about the ones I toyed with today. They were dumb.

Later when we got back home I managed to get a couple hours of free time and went biking/running. I think I may have done a total of 10 miles; 6-8 biking and 3-4 running. I had to keep the mantra in my head,"Consistentcy. Consistentcy." Just so I could run farther. Than I get a note from Lee that mentions that her and Cin are willing to do the Run-Off-either as a team or as competitors. Hmmm...I think I'd have fun competing. Though I know they'd both leave me praying to their dust, and taking me to a restaurant where they'll order steak and lobster. :) Actually, if they choose a McMenamins for the dinner-I'll GLADLY pay, if I am the loser. (chuckling)

I finally got the Dept of Education's letter that states I no longer owe money and now qualify for aid again. So, now BSC will release my transcripts and so I should know if I am a qualified OSU student within about three weeks. If I don't get in I'll just go to BSC fall term and try again for their spring term.

This note to Mario...I do not have Apple Mac. I could not open the video that I bet was absolutely ADORABLE. I ask Natalie every day, but I am thinking...if you can wait we'll be there in a little over three weeks and than you can see her in person. Would that be okay? Meanwhile, I'll keep trying. Oh, one day she did have it on but when I got the camera she ran and cried that she didn't want her pic taken. Bugger-butt.

Love you all!

Liz

Get your ass a'movin

I have not run since-last summer. Got involved with school and work and fam. Figured that the ideal time for me to run is at 5:30 AM (yeh, like I can get out of bed at that time) and so...here I am; losing tone in the places that say, "Hi, my name is Liz-I don't excercise and I'm gaining extra thighs." One side effect that I do not mind is slightly fuller breasts, but I can fix that once I make something like $36K/yr. :)

Anyways. I thought that I'd find a great motivation in signing up for the Clackamas River Run-Off, but even that is hard to pull out of my ass. The other day I was thinking that I'd maybe try just the duathlon because Liorah said that she didn't think she could do it this year because of soccer. For just a brief moment I thought to myself that I'd call Jon and see if he'd compete against me, just for kicks. When out of my mouth I uttered, "F^#& You!" as I remembered that he isn't around to ask. Since that day I've been a "Oscar the Grouch", and I even live in a garbage can. ;)

Cripes. If I had a moment like that way over here in ND, what is it like for Liorah, Cindy, and Andy? Who had seen him almost every single day, or at least spoke to him every day by phone or note? Or what is it like for my parents' who might forget for a moment and wonder when Jon is going to get back to Lebanon and see them? And then to remember. Ouch!

July 15th is the Clackamas River Run-Off. Can I get my body in shape in time to do it? Can I get my damn head off my pillow is the the bigger and bolder question?

PS
I saw a video of Liorah, Jolene, and I on a backpacking trip and I thought, "Oh, wouldn't it be nice to run along the Eagle Creek trail, or to challenge myself to run up Ruckle Creek Ridge?! Where I can than sit at the little creek at the top and breathe in the silence while the sweat dries to my skin and the legs stop their quivering. Wouldn't it be lover-ly? *I'd probably die of a heart attack, or from asthma, before I conquered Ruckle Creek Ridge*

Adios.

Tentative plans (note: very tentative)

Mark and I were able to make a downpayment on the Dodge because of a loan from my parents. It is in the spirit of Jon because Mom said that Jon would want me to be able to be home this summer.

I just got the car back from another garage (not the dealership where we got it from) and they said everything is tip-top, so we should be o-kay. They did suggest that because of the history with this vehicle and oil sludge, that we have the oil changed more frequently than 3K, and have a periodical oil system flush to detect if the system is working alright. (Sounds good to me.)

My last day at GM is June 17. I have resigned. It has not been until the last couple of days, as the rumor that I am leaving has spread, that I have become aware of how much people at work like me. People seem genuinely sad and upset. The other night I was told that I couldn't leave and that they were going to gang-up on me and hog-tie me to make me stay. Though the idea of being wrapped up with rope is not appealing, the thought that they want me to stay is VERY touching.

I've been letting the "regs" know that I'm leaving GM, and they too seem sad. I even had one couple say that they will frequent the place less when I am gone, and I told them that they were bluffing and they said:

"No. We really like to come here and talk with you. We make a point to come on the nights that you manage."

I was stunned. I will probably cry on my last day.

Anyway. IF they at GM really do decide to throw a "good-bye" party (as some have indicated they want too) I will most likely leave a couple of days later. As, I will be too sick to drive for about two days. This crowd I work with believes that 'honoring' someone is buying them drinks and getting them s..tfaced. :) I have not partied with any of them, but once over a year ago, and so I think (M. willing) I will do this with them. It would be fun to get a babysitter and take Mark along-he could be my designated driver. :)

Back to the trip...so I'll leave within a week after June 17. And, for time of travel-who knows?

Adios.

Cool pic

Today I was thinking about how it would be fun to do the Clackamas River Runoff (click here for more info) this year in memory of Jon. Last year I had asked Lee and Jon to join in a triathlon (Team R &R) and unfortunately I was not in OR in time to join, but they had someone do the running part and had a great time. Lee said that with Jon's awesome bike times they actually placed well (2:39:11), despite Lee's mockery of kayaking in a white water type kayak. So, I went to the website and looked up info and while I browsed the pics from last year I found this:

Is the last pic not the perfect pic? (smile)

______________________________________

Conversation on Saturday with Noah:

We were driving in the car alone and Enya was playing on the system; I said, "This song makes me think of Jon sometimes."

Noah says, "Mom I have something to tell you, but I do not know how you will think about it"

"What is it Noah?" I ask.

"Well, I was thinking about Jon the other night and I was feeling very sad when I heard a whisper in my ear that said,'Noah'. I thought it was Jon, so I talked to him. I know it wasn't you or Dad because there was no one in the living room."

Stunned, I say, "Noah, anytime you want to talk to Jon you talk to him. He will always hear you." (tears are fighting to flow down my face)

"Mom, I think that it is really neat that we all can talk to Jon if we want too. I know Nan-na does, and Grandpa too. I bet Liorah and Aunt Marion do too."

"Yes, Noah. We all talk to Jon."

Variety...

I was trying to wait to post until I got a pic of the dress Mario made for Natalie, but Nat has been a butt. She wore it ALL the time and now, she doesn't want to wear it. But, I try at least twice a day now since Mario said she was "frustrated". ;)

Here are various pics though:





I had found these in the kitchen for me Sunday night. Noah writes and illustrates his own, and Hannah did her own too. Later Hannah told me that the pic is of her and I in the mountains while it is snowing.



Sorry that I didn't correct the pic, but I loved these books when I was a kid and am excited about having for mine. I have already read them the story about Tattletalers. I now ask Hannah if there is a black cloud above her head with a tail. She says, "No, of course not. I'm not tattletaling."



Noah's reading list for the summer. Courtesy of Nana.



Thanks in part to my parents: the kids and I are coming to OR. See you all in a month! (PS It is a Dodge 2003 Intrepid with 71,245 miles.)

Adios.

Yesterday we went, as a family, fishing. It was pleasant, until Hannah decided that she was more than tired and ready to go home. She refused to lie down in the tent. I swear, if I was anything like her as a child-I could see how the adults in my life grew gray hair! But, she did the neatest thing today: she came up to me and gave me a hug and said, "Mom. I'm sorry that I didn't let you sit by the river longer." ( was frustrated last night because it was the something like the first time since I 've moved here that I was out on the river w/Mark and with the kids, for longer than 2 hrs. There was one point where she was crying non-stop and I yelled, "Hannah! you need to stop because I am getting very angry and I am losing control. I know you can stop." She went quiet and when I looked back 5 min. later, she was asleep.)

Anyway, here are the pics...

Noah's Art work

I did not mean to hurt anyone's feelings by my last post. Nor, piss anyone off.

I realize very well that I have people here who care for me and desire a deeper level of friendship with me. I will not explain my lack of pursuing. Except that I am often tired. I am truly sorry for any pain I caused, those who are my friends here are important to me. Thank you for being there. (I mean this with the utmost sincerity, if I was in front of you I'd give you a tight hug and whisper "thank you for being my friend" in your ear.)

If the first response was from someone who I think it was from...I don't have much time. Even out of school. My day part is spent watching the girls, and I can not justify paying a babysitter just so I could go do something by myself (on extremely rare occassions, yes), and the night part is a) working or b) watching the kids while Mark does his thing; whether that be fishing, softball, or fishing. Even on weekends I am usually with the kids, or working. My house may not be immaculate (hardly clean as we speak) but what I do does make a difference, and I have to keep up on that, and the yard, and the van does not go past Mandan. So, if Mark has the Jeep I dare not ask anyone to go with me to Cross, or Medora, or where ever else. I am not whining, simply feeling like this is all fact. Plus, I enjoy spending time with my kids, and since I seem to work most evenings; I try to be home and spend time with them. Noah hardly gets to see me.

Yesterday, it seemed like I whined at the end of my "jon" post. I'm not whining. It is called...well, think Ayn Rand. I think. I need to re-read her books. And, I am using the resources that I am comfortable using at this moment. I am visiting with a counselor, I am reading books that help me think, and I am sleeping alot. There are things that I am not comfortable with here, but maybe I will be over time. It may not be right or healthy at this point, but it is what I feel capable of right now. As I process one thing over another, perhaps that comfort level will change. Fear, anxiety, and stubbornness, keeps me where I am comfortable at. Maturity will help change that.

Adios.

In the last week I have found my radio station turned to our local K-Love. I used to listen to it ALL the time, but since moving here I have listened more to the local NPR station. (both are my fav) The amount that I listen to either station seems to reflect my personal spiritual space.

When I got back in Feb., I turned to K-Love for support in my grief, but found instead that it grieved my heart even more so. I kept my dial at NPR. Until recently.

I listen to the lyrics of the music and my heart grieves beyond words for Jon. I think of my dad and my mom, but especially my dad. If my heart grieves in such terms, how does the heart of my parents' grieve? They are particulary believing and faithful to Christ.

I know that not all my family thinks like I do, but I must express anyhow - I can not help but grieve for the fact that Jon did not find a source of strength and hope in Christ. I can not help but think that had he sought Christ, and understood when He was reaching out, that Jon would still be here. (Right now, a song is playing over the radio that I had put into a movie for mom as a mother's day gift a couple of years back: "I will be here", by Steven Curtis Chapman. Tears are flowing. The movie included pics of all us kids and grandkids of that time.) As a parent I have looked at my kids and thought about how I would feel if in 10 years and more, one of them decided to commit sucicide. I would struggle with understanding, grief, and faith. A struggle that would be unexplainable with words.

Christ, or church, or whatever it would be called has played a large part of my life. Huge! When I felt unable to go on, I leaned on what I felt was a source of strength, even if I had misgivings about it. I have always reached out to It when I feel unable to hold on. And, I wish that Jon had had that. I do not wonder if at the moment of his decision he would have found that needed hope, had he called out for help, but I think back farther than that. I wonder what he would have been able to do if he had found the strength of Christ before that moment of deep despair. Would he have laid in bed all that Sunday praying to God, instead of playing out his sadness, frustration, and anger at himself? Would that prayer have given him the strength needed to face the moment and rise another day? My heart grieves for what my brother did not know, did not look for, and could not find when he needed it.

The silence of my thoughts about Jon is like a comforting blanket, and when I listen to K-Love it is like a rip is rendered and some of my pain seeps through. I try to wrap another blanket around me, but the pain stains that fabric too. I am wrapped in the pain of my heart, and it has colored me a different color. When it becomes too difficult for me to feel, I change the radio station and cover myself with another blanket. How many can I keep putting on?

I want to grieve. But, I do not want to do it here. I want to do it with my parents, with my siblings, and with my closest friends. If I connect to that power of God again, I want to do it in a place that I feel safe, and able to be vunderable in. I want to share my grief of Jon and God with the 'teacher' who has watched me journey through highschool, who has watched me make commitments, and who has watched my family grieve before others in a ceremony of honor to my brother. He is safe, and expresses things in the most understanding way.

However, things look like I won't be going home. And, I will grieve that too. But, I will do alright. I will call on the strength I look for when things seem too difficult.

Conversations w/ kids...

A co-worker/friend took the kids to a movie. As they were driving home Hannah had asked where he lives...
"I live in an apartment building.", he says.
"What is an apartment?", asks Hannah.
He pauses trying to come up with an answer she would understand.
"Oh, I know what it is!", she exclaims. "It is like a hotel that you live in."
___________________________

Natalie comes and asks me for something, and I tell her to please ask Hannah to get it for her. I expect that she will go to Hannah and say something like, "Mom says you have to get me ..." But, no.
She says, "Hannah, mom told me to tell you that you need to help with getting..."
I was stunned. That response was so *adult*!
___________________________

Yesterday I pick up the kids from a softball field, and Mark was frustrated with my timing. I didn't say much, but muttered something about friends being more important than wife (who was feeling sick). That was all! Noah speaks up,
"Do I have to get married when I get older?"
"No. You do not have to get married when you get older. But, why do you ask?", I say.
"Because I do not think I want to get married when I am older. It is takes too much work."
"Well, yes it takes lots of work; not always easy either. But, what makes you think that it is not worth being married?"
"I want to be able to spend all the time I want with my friends and not have to worry about a wife. I also do not want to have to help my wife all the time: too much work. And, if I got married I'd probably have kids and than I really wouldn't be able to do anything because I'd have to take care of them." Than he asks, "Mom, what would your life be like without kids?"
I think for a little bit and flashes of so many things run through my mind: kayaking, backpacking trips, traveling the world, a career, and I say, "My life would be very different, but I can not imagine my life without you guys. I love you all."
To which Hannah pipes, "Yes, we know that."
"And Noah, you would still be part of my life even if I wasn't married because I was pregnant with you before I got married to your dad. I mean, he is your dad; your biological dad, and will always be. If I didn't marry him than Hannah and Natalie would not be here because they are a part of him and a part of me."
"Mom," he thoughtfully asks, "would you still be married if you didn't marry dad?"
I think. "Yes. I probably would be. I can not say if it would be to your dad, or not, but I am sure that I would have eventually married."
"I do not think I will get married." he states again.
"Noah," I soothingly say, "when you meet someone that you can not imagine living without, you'll probably get married."
"I don't know.", as he sincerely finishes the conversation.
_____________________________

I don't think that I need to 'dumb anything down' with my kids.

Pics

Last night was one of those valuable "learning experiences" at work. It went to sh..! It could have been worse, that I am sure, but for a brief spell of an hour or two it felt like I was trying to swim upriver against a river of chaos.

It started in the bar, moved to the kitchen, and ended in the dining room. All because of one messed up dinner ticket. I want to say that it was because of one server, but when I think about it I realize that even though he messed up, things shouldn't have fallen apart like they did. It was a combination of things. We had more guests than anyone anticipated, some weak servers, some weak cooks, hosts who didn't think to re-seat the servers who were still there, but cut off the floor, and some staff that frankly gave no damn about helping others. I felt disoriented because I had multiple things to do at once to keep guests as far from pissed off as I could and I had servers telling me their problems, and I had ... so much that needed my attention at once. But, it eventually went away. I had called in support and that got things under control. But last night two customers almost brought me to tears; one couple said I was crap for a manager because I understaffed the bar ( I don't handle staffing) and because I left their food on a tray while I was serving another table their food from the tray and because they had only two drinks in a matter of an hour (because we were short staffed and the bartender and server were running their asses off, well the bartender was). The bartender yelled at them for yelling at me; that was kind of cool. And, another couple in the bar was pissed with the poor quality of food and while I was trying to offer the lady another meal with the suggestion of a salad, and she was being very brittle towards me, the bartender walked up and asked her if she wanted a salad and the lady than melted like butter and said yes. I walked away feeling slapped in the face by the lady. That almost made me walk outside and kick a box. For I felt that there is only so much I can do, and nothing seemed to be making a difference to anyone.

Anyway, it all passed. I sat with each server on their checkout and got their preception of the night, and how they think we/I could have handled it differently. So, now I feel more in control about what to do when I get caught with my vunerable side open again.

Which might happen because that dear other manager who sprained his ankle, is out for two weeks. So, I get overtime. I'll be working six days a week for a couple of weeks. This does not do well with family, etc. Even worse, I had intended to spend a couple of days doing something, but now...I don't know. Technically I can't go, but sometimes in life there are things that happen only once. And, if it is one of those moments that you think you'll regret for not being there, than you make it possible in any way that you can. Even if there isn't the money, or the time, or the car. You make sacrifices and rent-a-car. Husband willing...

I've got pics to post of kids, I'll do that soon.

Love ya all.

I did it...and now I'm nervous w/anxiety

I sent my application to OSU. It was hard to limit my words to 100. But, how do you think I did? Be honest.

Leadership Contribution:
In situations that illustrate need for leadership I evaluate the position of the individuals involved. I look at their capabilities and determine where I would be the most beneficial: sometimes as a leader, other times as an encourager.

I work with a woman who is trying to support her family by waitressing. While her dedication is valuable, waitressing inadequately supports her future needs. I have taken a delicately strong position in her life as an encourager who brings information about school, financial aid, and community resources that can assist her in creating a financially secure future for her family. (99 words)

Knowledge in a field/Creativity:
Erased this one, but it referred to my love for the outdoors and how I stay informed on the health of the Cascades, and how the knowledge has created a passionate discord within me because I want to preserve the land, but understand how families rely on the forest to surivive.

Dealing with Adversity:
(Please forgie me. My response is more than 100 words, but I failed to find words with the same sincerity.)

I have faced adversity on many different levels, but this latest challenge on my ability to overcome obstacles has been the hardest. In February of this year my younger brother took his life, and I have found my lack of motivation, strength and energy particularly difficult to rise above.

I thought for many days how I should address this essay, but one day I saw the perfect words. They are not my own, but the spirit behind them speak as I desire to speak, and the meaning conveys the strength that I know I have; if only temporarily burdened by grief.

YOU MUST NOT QUIT
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns;
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow;
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell just how close you are;
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit;
When things seem worst, you must not quit.

-Unknown

With the support of friends and family, I will not quit. I will seek the resources I need to be successful in my goals, and in due time, I hope to be able to teach others what I have learned along the way.

Community Service:
As a manager of a local restaurant I find I am in the position to influence the dining experience of my community. I diligently try to make each member of my team understand the importance of excellent customer service and consistency. I communicate that we should treat our guests as we would like to be treated, and offer the best of our personal abilities.

I have been honored by guests who have told me that despite their occasional frustrations with the restaurant, they continue to dine there because I have made them feel warm, welcomed, and appreciated. (97 words)

Handling Systemic Challenges:
In highschool, a friend took me to an alley to show me graffiti that was sprayed across a garage door, but it had been painted over. It allegedly said that no “black” families were welcome in our town. We had only one black student at the time. However, after the occurrence I noticed that the student was missing from our student body within two days.

I teach my children that judgment should never be made on color, on manner of dialectic, or on dress. That judgment should proceed from proper information, which only comes from attempting to know a person. (100 words)

Goals/Task Commitment:
I have a goal to succeed at whatever is important to me. It is important to me to give my children a fun childhood; it is important to me that I obtain a Masters’ degree in Interdiscplinary Studies, so I can be an effective wilderness therapist; and it is important to me that I journey through my life with respect to my core values.

I am accomplishing these goals by; taking my children on adventures, by applying for college admission, and by learning what my core values are through life experience. Success is achieved when one does not give up. (100 words)

__________________________________

I am nervous that I won't be accepted, but if not...I'll try again.