In the last week I have found my radio station turned to our local K-Love. I used to listen to it ALL the time, but since moving here I have listened more to the local NPR station. (both are my fav) The amount that I listen to either station seems to reflect my personal spiritual space.
When I got back in Feb., I turned to K-Love for support in my grief, but found instead that it grieved my heart even more so. I kept my dial at NPR. Until recently.
I listen to the lyrics of the music and my heart grieves beyond words for Jon. I think of my dad and my mom, but especially my dad. If my heart grieves in such terms, how does the heart of my parents' grieve? They are particulary believing and faithful to Christ.
I know that not all my family thinks like I do, but I must express anyhow - I can not help but grieve for the fact that Jon did not find a source of strength and hope in Christ. I can not help but think that had he sought Christ, and understood when He was reaching out, that Jon would still be here. (Right now, a song is playing over the radio that I had put into a movie for mom as a mother's day gift a couple of years back: "I will be here", by Steven Curtis Chapman. Tears are flowing. The movie included pics of all us kids and grandkids of that time.) As a parent I have looked at my kids and thought about how I would feel if in 10 years and more, one of them decided to commit sucicide. I would struggle with understanding, grief, and faith. A struggle that would be unexplainable with words.
Christ, or church, or whatever it would be called has played a large part of my life. Huge! When I felt unable to go on, I leaned on what I felt was a source of strength, even if I had misgivings about it. I have always reached out to It when I feel unable to hold on. And, I wish that Jon had had that. I do not wonder if at the moment of his decision he would have found that needed hope, had he called out for help, but I think back farther than that. I wonder what he would have been able to do if he had found the strength of Christ before that moment of deep despair. Would he have laid in bed all that Sunday praying to God, instead of playing out his sadness, frustration, and anger at himself? Would that prayer have given him the strength needed to face the moment and rise another day? My heart grieves for what my brother did not know, did not look for, and could not find when he needed it.
The silence of my thoughts about Jon is like a comforting blanket, and when I listen to K-Love it is like a rip is rendered and some of my pain seeps through. I try to wrap another blanket around me, but the pain stains that fabric too. I am wrapped in the pain of my heart, and it has colored me a different color. When it becomes too difficult for me to feel, I change the radio station and cover myself with another blanket. How many can I keep putting on?
I want to grieve. But, I do not want to do it here. I want to do it with my parents, with my siblings, and with my closest friends. If I connect to that power of God again, I want to do it in a place that I feel safe, and able to be vunderable in. I want to share my grief of Jon and God with the 'teacher' who has watched me journey through highschool, who has watched me make commitments, and who has watched my family grieve before others in a ceremony of honor to my brother. He is safe, and expresses things in the most understanding way.
However, things look like I won't be going home. And, I will grieve that too. But, I will do alright. I will call on the strength I look for when things seem too difficult.
posted by liveasyouchoose @ 10:26 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
You could have close friends here if you only find time to let them be close. You need to make time for them also. They need you just as much.
"Suicide does not just occur. Experience has shown that it is more often the end result of a process that has developed over a period of time..." N.L. Farberow
Suicide is the outcome of neurobiological and psychological breakdown. Becoming suicidal is a process that begins in severe stress and pain generated by a serious life crisis.
"Suicide is the end result of a process, not the process itself."
J. Zubin (1974)
Stress and pain increase as the crisis, or the perception of it, worsens. As this happens, control and self-esteem deteriorate. Depression may be a cause or a side effect of the process.
Suicidality occurs when the stress induces psychological pain so unbearable that death is seen as the only relief. Prior to this point the individual is at risk of becoming suicidal. Beyond it the individual is at risk of completing suicide. Becoming suicidal is a crisis that causes traumatic stress.
Ingrained beliefs and values may cause an individual to be stigmatized by their own suicidality. This leads to shame and guilt. These cause alienation from self and withdrawal from others, which are also drivers.
Suicidality entails changes in brain chemistry and physiology. Suicidal individuals manifest various chemical imbalances. Most notable is depleted serotonin, a neurotransmitter that inhibits self-harm. This is a neurological threshold and those near or beyond it must be treated with medications.
There is no choice. Suicidal individuals are beset by suffering that is distracting and disabling. Suicidality is a state of total pain which limits options to enduring or ending utter agony.
The suicide prevention and suicide loss literature unfortunately continue to allude to suicide as a choice. This is stigmatizing and denies that those lost to suicide are victims of a process that in the end is beyond their control. For a well-researched discussion of this subject see "Judgmental Language That Promotes the Stigma Associated with Suicide".
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"Suicide" comes from two Latin roots, "sui" (of oneself) and "cidium" (a killing or slaying). This gives us the definition of suicide as the "deliberate or intentional killing of oneself." "Suicide" is inadequate. It omits the role of pain. There is a "killing of oneself," but it is a means to relieve what is seen as interminable pain. To paraphrase: It's the pain, stupid! That's what suicide is all about. Here's a better word for the process:
PENACIDE
"Pena" is from the Latin "poena" (punishment or torment), the root of the word "pain." "Cide" is from "cedere" (to strike down). Penacide is "the killing of pain." It incorporates the reason, wanting to terminate one's pain. It eliminates the notion that "wanting to die" has anything to do with killing oneself. Penacide is not a kind of suicide. It's what causes the deaths recorded as suicides. It is the true name of the beast.
You will come home somehow, you're only hurting yourself by not embracing the resources that can help you heal.
My response:
#1) yes, I could and I am so very sorry that I hurt anyone.
#2) I did not refer to his "present" state, but what about before that point? I am sad that he had not found comfort in Christ before that point?
#3) yes, I realize this. And I am whining miserably. Forgive me please.
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