There are not enough pictures of you in this world to capture the person you are. There are not enough songs, or poems, that can tell of you; or what you mean to us.
I am sad. I want you to be there for me to race against at Clackamas..., I want to share my enthusiasim with you, and not be thought of as eccentric. You'd laugh and give me a hug. Than tell me that you'd kick my butt, but you would stand at the finish line with a huge grin on your face as I crossed. Proud that your big sis with three kids could still cross a finish line.
I remember your hugs before I left for ND last summer. They were so gentle, and yet firm. They linger to this day. I remember that you whispered in my ear, "Liz, come home. I miss you.". I said I know. But, I didn't really know. I didn't really understand.
I'm going to really miss you at the race. I'm going to be sad that there are no future events to do with you. It seemed that you and Liorah understood my deep passion to push personal limits with the outdoors. Now... And, we were just starting to experience them. We were just starting to do things together. I probably would have made you nuts because I was (am) cautious and would have jumped to the role of "the sensible one", but you would have pushed me beyond my known limits and helped me experience what I want, but only read in books. In the end, I would have been extremely thankful.
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I started that May 31. Today is June 2/3. I have been finding my tears coming to my eyes in unbidden moments, or my voice cracking when I talk of you. Before, I could hold in strong and firm. As the time gets closer for me to leave for OR, I start to think of you and I start to hurt. I start to get angry, and I start to cry. I set my jaw and the tears only roll down my cheek instead of burst forth with the wail that shouts inside my heart. In its' proper time, I say. In its' proper time.
I soothe myself by telling myself that if I feel like this, than ... or ... must feel like ... And, when I think that it must hurt worse, I calm down because I want to be strong for ... or ...
Jon, I'm scared about coming home and not seeing you. But, I am also looking forward to some fun times with my kids and everyone else. You won't be far.
I heard two songs when I flew into PDX after your death. And I found the CD for a whooping $10 at Target, so I had to get it. I listen to these lyrics and I think of you-every time. I love you Jon. I really, really love you. I hope you knew that and I hope you know that now. Love you more!
"May it Be"-Enya (but heard by 'Celtic Woman')
May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home
Mornie utulie (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadow's call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornie utulie ( Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now
"You Raise me Up" (this song makes me cry like none other)
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
Jon, I always felt strong, and weak but protected, in your presence. And, I will greatly miss that. You always saw the best in me. Thank you.
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