At the house...12:04 am

Don't feel like I can do this. I just don't see how I can. Was it ever as bad as I imagined? Was I ever feeling as neglected as I thought? Can this really go on?

I look around me at years of accumulated things and wonder: how can I catergorize and box what is precious enough to keep? How can I not pick something up and remember a memory that connects me to that thing? I will be exhausted when I leave in three days.

Granted I am letting my thoughts run more wildly because I've had three drinks with some of my ND friends, but the scale of this is overwhelming me. What will I feel when I actually see M. for the first time since June?

My friends. Are amazing. Tonight I stopped by the ol' workplace, GM, and was treated to many hugs and warm happy smiles. It was a pleasure to see them, and to feel their genuine happiness to see me. Than being with my ND Russian friend felt so good. Her warmth radiated and I was glad to spend time with her. As I left her and the others I realized, it is going to be heartwrenching to say 'good-bye' to them all as well. I actually grew to like ND in this last year. I loved and missed OR with a fervent passion, but I miss bits of ND too when I am in OR. Part of me is here too. Will I ever be whole if I keep leaving parts of my spirit and soul around? But, I won't stop loving those who come to mean alot to me; even if it takes me a while to get how significant they are in my life.

I am going to bed without the knowledge on how I will face my day tomorrow, or the next, or the next. But, I will try to be that 'strong-willed' woman (in the positive sense) that I have been told that I am.

Good night