Hello. Things here have been busy. I'm wrapping things up at the credit union; my last day is January 10th. I start the other job part-time basis at the first of the year, and than school starts Jan.8th. No, I'm not a glutton for punishment. (lol) It'll be busy for the first couple of weeks (it'll pass) and after the 10th I'll be home more to focus on the kids. I was tested a couple of days after giving my resignation because while I had told them that my decision was not monetary, I had not been able to prove my word, but just two days after my resignation they announced that all full-time employees were going to receive a 1K bonus. Except me because I resigned. Well, after my initial dismay I realized that my motivation for the job change TRULY was abouton a the kids, and school. I was pleased that I stood for what I actually said I stood for. (lol)

Christmas was good. I was stressed Eve because I really was desiring to have my own place with my own space, and a space where the kids and I could just "be". Like what it was in North Dakota. Sometimes I miss what was the "norm". Aside from that, we all managed to be together in one house at one time with laughter filling the air from the kids just tormenting each other, Uncle Aaron, and Aunt Liorah. Mom cooked from the crack of dawn until 7 at night, and it was all gobbled down within half-n-hour. We had all the fixins and of course, the kids only would eat what looked "suitable".

Oh, there are a lot of things to share...my mind is always going, but I want to share pictures with you more than thoughts. So...ENJOY!


On a cold Nov. day the kids went puddle jumping! They loved it, and enjoyed the warm bath afterwards too. Oh, and the comfy massage chairs that they thought were the best thing since peanut butter.

Just a bit of cuddle time.


Uncle D. is such a goof! Hannah's dress was made by Aunt Mario, and it is absolutely a little girl's dream dress-long, billowy, and with lace.


Hannah IS a "Daddy's Girl"


And, of course so IS Natalie.


Noah is a "Daddy's boy", but I couldn't find a shirt. So he gets to wear OSU spirit!


Aunt Lee challenged him to climb around her without touching the ground...


Hannah tried too...


But, Aunt C. had to show them how it was done!


This is Noah when he learned that they had combed his hair into a mo-hawk. (lol)


Aunt C. was getting little wrappings in her pants...and she didn't even know!


Now she does! (hehehe)


Wrestle Uncle Aaron!


Sit down for dinner. And see Lee's dinner position...she always eats like that! (lol)


Tired little boy, and tired little kitty.


Mario, I love your ass!!!


Best friend B. with her husband J.


Had to have a small photo shoot. :)

But I also want to say something about these two people. B. is an amazing woman. She is strong, kind, compassionate, and knows who she is; she is gracious and loving. I admire her. I also think that she is going to be an amazing mom. Absolutely amazing.

Her husband J., he surprised me when I saw him for the first time since their wedding. He said that he was glad I was there, and I thought he meant to the baby shower, but he meant that he was glad I was back in Oregon. The sincerity in his eyes touched me, and furthermore his offer of generosity brought me to tears. I will not take it, but I know he meant it and I know he wants to be there for his wife's best friend. It moves my heart when I think that his hope and desire to see me succeed, is in part because of the love he has for B. He knows how B. feels for me, and he wants to give her everything so if it means helping someone else, he will.

B. and J. are good people who are true to their values, their beliefs, and their core. They are people that I hope to have in my life forever. I want to be sitting in front of a living room fire with them when I am old(er) and talking about all sort of interesting things, places, and people. I think that when I walk down my graduation aisle, they may be one of my loudest cheers. I love them. I truly do. B. patience with me has exceeded our friendship, and for that I always be grateful. Always. And, I hope I get to share more laughs with J. (he is a funny guy!)

Tonight was the kid's Christmas program at Hamilton Creek. It was cute and sweet listening to all the young voices timidly sing their many practiced songs, and watching all the kids look out anxiously across the crowd for the faces of their familiar parents or friends. CJ made sure Noah saw us with her extremely loud whistle, but I'll tell you...Noah broke out into a huge grin when he say us.

Later we had to go get the kids from their designated classrooms, and when I got to Noah's room his teacher beaconed me over. Grinning he said, " I just wanted to share something with you. When you had come in to the classroom to take Noah out of the room (this was the Thursday when Noah/Hannah were getting picked up by dad) to say 'good-bye', Noah got really mad when he got back in the room because one of the boys said, "Man! Your mom is so hot you could fry an egg on her!" "

I started laughing.

I made sure to tell Noah that someday he will be glad if his friends think his mom is hot. He just turned red and smiled sheepishly.

Opportunity knocked

and I answered.

On Friday I will give my two-week notice at the credit union. In January I will start as the administrative support to a small, but established and growing, company that works throughout the US and the world installing energy-efficient lighting systems. I will receive my current income on salary(they are matching what I make now), medical insurance, work computer, work cell, and flex full time.

Through this job I will receive the following benefits:
-I can go to school, the flex time means that I can make time for school work
-Flexibility to spend time doing things for the kids; school meetings, school functions, doctor appts, sick kids, etc.
-I can attend vacation with family without worrying about PTO, receiving the okay to take the time off, and scheduling issues.
-I will be able to provide a more structured environment for the kids: dinner at a decent hour (vs the 7ish when we (I) get home), less stress and therefore less mommy tension, and other such things.
-Reduce costs on childcare.

Yes, I am slightly nervous. I am placing a lot of trust into this small company, particulary into one individual. I have communicated quite clearly that I am the sole income to my children and that if what I am offered turns out not to be what I get...that I will be very upset and hurt. I believe that the offer is in a genuine spirit of need (they need the sales guys to focus more on sales vs reports, proposals, etc.) and in genuine intent to help me. The owner likes me as a friend and would not want to ruin that relationship, but I am just a bit wary of change.

However, when I consider this offer and what I am doing now...it seems a no-brainer, "Take the job." The flexibility it offers to me and the kids is what we need in our lives right now. The credit union does not offer a lot of flexibility and as a result I must lean on my mom quite a bit. However, she is getting worn out and I can not keep asking what I have been asking from her. She physically can not manage it all the time.

I also can not attend college with my current job. I can not manage college and the credit union. I had chosen work over school fall term and now I am on Academic Warning. I do not regret my choice and I am not upset with myself for being on an Academic Warning, but I know that I either needed a change in my work, or make the decision to put the college on hold. My decision to change jobs has come with considering many other factors aside from college. Large part, the flexibility it will give me to be a parent and the reduction in stress.

I think I am doing the right thing. I hope that I am doing the right thing.

Frustrated anger... but is it anger?

Feeling like I'm being turned around and made to run the same ground over again.

Reviews

Today I had Parent/Teacher conferences with Hannah and Noah's teachers. Here are the reviews:

Hannah
-excellent student who is kind and helpful to everyone in class.
-very willing to do whatever the teacher asks, and does a thorough job
-asks appropriate questions and shows great interest in whatever they are learning
-teacher wishes that her entire classroom was like Hannah, because than her job would be much easier.
-has approached her academic goals with success, and has even exceeded some of the half-year milestones.

Noah
-has defied the teacher's stereotype of blond curly bushy haired boys (he thought Noah would be very distracted and "bouncy")
-has met and exceeded his academic goals
-very focused on his assignments and completes them with efficiency and accuracy
-is kind and thoughtful of others
-has tested above his grade level on reading/writing/spelling
-feels comfortable talking with his teacher about personal issues, and is willing to seek advice from adults.
-teacher wishes that all students were like Noah, because than he says he'd probably LOVE his job! :)

So, in a nutshell...the kids are doing very well in school.

PS
Writing employee reviews...that task is draining! But, I have to give one in two weeks and I bet that that is even worse! (lol)

Today...I feel...

Fucked! (you are all adults, I think you can handle the word)

But, let's talk about something else for a moment. Thursday Noah had his first appointment with his new counselor. Don't ask me what they talk about, I do not know. What Noah shares is strictly between him and his counselor, unless he desires to share it with me/us. His counselor gave him relaxing exercises to practice when he gets tense, and told me that since Noah is very 'aware' that I should just be sure to spend time to work out problem-solving solutions with him.

Noah has been given the "Junior Optimist Award" for his entire school for October 2006. He will receive an award in a school assembly on Dec . 8th (maybe), have his name on a Optimist Award plaque that is presented to the school, an Awards night and Ice cream Social held in Honorees honor, an International Certificate Award, and Letters of commendation from Political Leaders.

Hannah has received recognition as a Cougar Leader for her class; always helpful and kind to others.

Natalie is doing well. Very verbal and pig-headed about her ideas sometimes, but equally loving and funny. She loves to laugh, just like her dad. :)

Now, why am I fucked? I just am, emotionally. Not easy waking up in the morning feeling like I am just a pile of shit because I am here with the kids and people in ND are missing them with heart-wrenching sadness. Not easy realizing that I may have screwed my entire academic career because I have been focused on work, and on spending my 'free' time with friends, family, and the gym to be able to grasp a handle on my swaying thoughts, stress, etc. Not easy feeling like my kids are going to be part of a the whole "I get mom on this holiday and I get dad on that holiday, but I wish that I could have them both at the same time" story. Not easy seeing what stress the kids and I are putting on the family-system. Not easy seeing the stress on my kids and feeling like a failure as a parent to protect them from it. Not easy trying to be a single-working parent and desiring to be a full-time student so I can do what I enjoy vs what I feel completely inadequate at. The stress of my job sometimes overwhelms me and so I exercise to help relieve it, but I am not getting any tips on what to do while I work the machine. :) I know that in time I'll do my job without a second thought as to whether or not I am doing it "right", by the views of my staff and my bosses'.

I miss Green Mill,and the flexibility it gave me. I miss a lot.

I'm going before I bitch anymore, because in truth I have a lot to be thankful for, and to value. Also, things in the larger scheme of things have been going well for us all. A good job that pays better than what I've had before, the kids are doing well, I have an excellent friend network with excellent people of personality, warmth, and heart. I have my family (minus Jon) and I have parents that are "shielding" me more than I deserve. I also have an academic opportunity before me that I have screwed for Fall term, but perhaps will gain the chance to correct it at Winter term. I have been getting blessings that are attempting to balance the discouragements; I just need to change my focus.

So while I am fucked...I am also blessed.

First Generation (Jon is on CJ's lap)


Second Generation (part A)


Second Generation (part B)