Today...I feel...

Fucked! (you are all adults, I think you can handle the word)

But, let's talk about something else for a moment. Thursday Noah had his first appointment with his new counselor. Don't ask me what they talk about, I do not know. What Noah shares is strictly between him and his counselor, unless he desires to share it with me/us. His counselor gave him relaxing exercises to practice when he gets tense, and told me that since Noah is very 'aware' that I should just be sure to spend time to work out problem-solving solutions with him.

Noah has been given the "Junior Optimist Award" for his entire school for October 2006. He will receive an award in a school assembly on Dec . 8th (maybe), have his name on a Optimist Award plaque that is presented to the school, an Awards night and Ice cream Social held in Honorees honor, an International Certificate Award, and Letters of commendation from Political Leaders.

Hannah has received recognition as a Cougar Leader for her class; always helpful and kind to others.

Natalie is doing well. Very verbal and pig-headed about her ideas sometimes, but equally loving and funny. She loves to laugh, just like her dad. :)

Now, why am I fucked? I just am, emotionally. Not easy waking up in the morning feeling like I am just a pile of shit because I am here with the kids and people in ND are missing them with heart-wrenching sadness. Not easy realizing that I may have screwed my entire academic career because I have been focused on work, and on spending my 'free' time with friends, family, and the gym to be able to grasp a handle on my swaying thoughts, stress, etc. Not easy feeling like my kids are going to be part of a the whole "I get mom on this holiday and I get dad on that holiday, but I wish that I could have them both at the same time" story. Not easy seeing what stress the kids and I are putting on the family-system. Not easy seeing the stress on my kids and feeling like a failure as a parent to protect them from it. Not easy trying to be a single-working parent and desiring to be a full-time student so I can do what I enjoy vs what I feel completely inadequate at. The stress of my job sometimes overwhelms me and so I exercise to help relieve it, but I am not getting any tips on what to do while I work the machine. :) I know that in time I'll do my job without a second thought as to whether or not I am doing it "right", by the views of my staff and my bosses'.

I miss Green Mill,and the flexibility it gave me. I miss a lot.

I'm going before I bitch anymore, because in truth I have a lot to be thankful for, and to value. Also, things in the larger scheme of things have been going well for us all. A good job that pays better than what I've had before, the kids are doing well, I have an excellent friend network with excellent people of personality, warmth, and heart. I have my family (minus Jon) and I have parents that are "shielding" me more than I deserve. I also have an academic opportunity before me that I have screwed for Fall term, but perhaps will gain the chance to correct it at Winter term. I have been getting blessings that are attempting to balance the discouragements; I just need to change my focus.

So while I am fucked...I am also blessed.