How have things been, you wonder? Let's start with the kids. Since that is what you are really curious about. :) The kids are doing well; no sickness, no broken bones, etc. Noah has been asked to be tested for the Talented And Gifted(TAG) at school and Hannah is doing well too. Natalie is my shadow-yes, I could say a lot about that...

The kid's report cards shared that they are performing 'at' or 'above average' on everything that the teachers' evaluate.

At home, they get along great except for Hannah and Natalie perhaps. I feel like they are often bossing each other around, or whining at each other, or complaining about the other. I'm told that it will be the bane of my life as their parent for forever. Natalie is funny sometimes because she utters the most confident and grown-up things-though they are sometimes misguided. For example, I put her to bed the other night and later she came into the living room. When I asked her why she was up she said, quite simply, "I don't want to go to bed." She seemed confused as to why she got a spank. Than today when the kids were watching TV and I told them to get ready for bed Hannah paused the TVR so Natalie could get changed and not miss the program. Natalie said, "Hannah I am really proud of you for doing that. That is a really nice thing to do. that was very thoughtful, thank you. I am so proud." I just about laughed out loud!

And for the other news, school will wrap up this week. I've got a final to complete by Friday and than I'll be done for about two weeks before Spring term starts Apr. 2. I've been looking half-heartedly for work because of the pressure of the last three-two weeks but things are getting serious and so I need to buckle down. Last week I had a couple of interviews and one of them was a call back-OHSU. OHSU than called and asked for references and today they asked for references from the credit union. I can't tell if this is good or bad.

I spent some time tonight (three hours or so) looking online for different jobs to apply for and housing options in PDX. Tell you what, depression medicine can not even help me deal with the feelings of depression from what I see/find. I can find jobs that I'd qualify for and probably get hired no problem, but than I make too little to sustain the kids and I. No. Seriously make too little. Applying for the jobs that have higher income potential also mean that there are higher requirements such as education (BA/BS etc), job experience, skills, etc. This is not bad, it just narrows my chances for hire. It would be wonderful to find a company that will see, believe, and give me the chance to prove that while I may not have all they seek-I'd be worth hiring. And, this company would be without the 'blown-up' promises and benefits.

Housing? HA! HA! HA! Do you want to know what I am talking about? Here do this for me: go online to craigslist.com or the oregonian.com or hapdx.org and look for 3 bedroom houses, townhomes, or apartments (but what the kids REALLY don't want to move into). Tell me if you can find a nice place in a good neighborhood for less than $800/month. I will find a decent place for less than $900/month because I know that they exist-I've been told that they exist. Question is, will they exist when I am ready to move out??

I reread my journal one night and read an entry that said I was too scared to leave because I did not know how I could manage being a single mom. Than in the last 9 months or so I've been told that I've gotten what I've wanted; so I wonder if they imagine that I am just soaring on a "happy cloud". Hmph. Yes, I feel peace and happiness as far as relationships go, but trying to figure how I am going to provide housing, food, basic needs, pay bills, etc is not soaring on a "happy cloud". I've never done this. This is new. I am scared. Whenever things looked tight or uncertain, I had the knowledge that someone was in the same boat with me and could help me bail the water. There is no one now. I've got others who throw me buckets, boots to keep our feet dry, and other things...but, technically I am the only one to bail the water if we get a leak. It is up to me to tell others when and if I need buckets, etc. but I am the bailer. I don't mind-I'm just scared and worried.

Lighter side of things, my best'est best'est best'est friend had her baby. Thinking about it makes my eyes tear because she is the best woman for the job. This baby was brought into a relationship that has had time to change, grow, change again, grow some more and be rooted in everything about them as individuals and as a couple. This baby is going to have the best for parents. When I think of her having had to go through the labor process, I am so proud of her my heart swells to ten times its' size. When I think that she may have experienced that emotional release with holding the baby for the first time, I cry with happiness. She deserves the best of everything that this world can offer. To her I say: you are phenomenal and I love you. Congratulations to you and your husband. You two are wonderful and amazing people.

Okay, this is the end of this post. Night.

Update to date

Just a brief note on the happenings of late.

Noah and Hannah got Mathmetican of the month at school. Hannah and Nat have the croupy cough. Noah got Jon's ol'compass so he has been seeing what direction everything is in; he wears it around his neck a lot. Natalie misses a cuddle buddy, and Hannah misses ND.

Job search needs more work. Spent more time today with that and I have a job interview tomorrow. Didn't imagine that it would be this long, but I've also been multi-focused. Essentially what is happening is this: the jobs I qualify 100% for are jobs that I could gain employment fairly easily, but the income is not compatible to single-parenthood. So I seek the jobs that are slightly outside my qualifications, but that I can still do. I want a job that will use my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses. I don't want my resume to set itself back, but be moving itself forward. However, I'm about ready to take that job that makes not enough money! I'm beginning to get depressed. Not a good thing when I get depressed...lol

This weekend I met Jeff's kids, our kids met each other, and I met his ex. All seemed(s) fine. No glitches that I can see at the moment. However, I did suggest that now is a good time to walk away, not later...lol But, he said he'll just see what happens. Brave soul or... ? :) (check, check, check)

Outside of the stresses of school, no work, family and all that jazz-I am doing well. The kids? Well, Hannah and Natalie are bickering a lot because they are getting sick. Noah seems okay, but he doesn't talk a lot in depth about his feelings. I need to work on being more available to him in conversation. Hmmm, for them all. My mom got a job working with a non-profit organization as a counselor, my sis Mario and her husband are eagerly looking for a house to buy!! this summer, my sis Lee has a lot on her plate for the summer (did I tell you that she was invited to join an international soccer team that will be playing in Australia this summer?), CJ is just counting the days till the kids and I are gone, Sarah is just trying to cope, Dad is getting started on his Scout again, and Aaron is a workaholic.

That about sums it up! Adios!

Life is a series of emotional ups, and downs...

What I need to learn to do is let my emotional downs express themself, so I am not pausing on my life as I wait for the down to begin the climb back up. The rest of the world does not pause with me. It keeps going. Than I try to run faster so I can catch up...

Yesterday Mark learned what he was being asked to pay for c.s. I understand his fear and being upset. What I can not seem to do is wrap my mind around the things he said. Trying is painful, hurtful, and saddening; for the kids, for me, and for him. I have no control over Mark and all I can do is wait and see what consequences I will need to deal with. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe I won't be divorced in three months...

For some unknown reason, Jon has been on my mind a lot. I feel this weight of sadness on my shoulders and I try to keep it to myself, but it doesn't work well. I find myself talking about him to people who know nothing about him, people who have never had death like that in their life. I think my Psych class also didn't help because we read/discussed suicide last week. You know, I also think it started the weekend I went to Mt B. It was the first time I had seen one of the people who was vital in helping the kids that first week of being here for Jon's service. I watched a group of people engaging in conversation and drink-talking about snowboarding, adventures, telling stories-and I realized that Jon would have been part of the group if he was here. He should have been there. How have we managed to go on? We have had to go on, but what has been our emotional cost? What has happened to how we express sorrow? How we relate to others? Are we more sensitive, or more withdrawn? Are we afraid of the depth of our sorrow, anger, and loss for words? Are we afraid to express anything that might bring what we try so hard to keep under our "rational" pillow to the top to be felt? How dysfunctional do we feel with what we see, feel, and think?

I think that the other factor in my emotional churning is Jeff. I can't explain why though. He just seems to be bringing to my mental-attention so many things I never really thought before, or had buried, or had disguised as some other thing (and he seems to uncover it for what it is). Thing is, he is not doing this intentionally, nor does he even know he is doing it. It is coming from our conversations and sometimes what I feel I keep to myself because of the questions asked above.

Other than that, I just got another job interview with a company that I worked for before we left for ND. I am excited. It is for position that I really wanted when I was originally there. It is a position that I believe I'd do well at, and I believe in what the company is doing. The company has changed quite a bit since (it was bought by another company) but I hope that the staff at the PDX office would still be some of the great staff I remember.

I'm in PDX for this week looking to get info on housing, jobs, and focus on school. I've got a lot to focus on before it ends...I also have that interview on Friday with OHSU.

I better go get started. Nice venting with you!

Letterboxing.org

Hi, if you like going on scavenger hunts I recommend that site. It is sort of like going on a mini-hunt and getting to enjoy the outdoors at the same time. Fun with kids because they get to creatively use their brains, and yet, it seems like just a great time.

Yesterday, Jeff and I took the kids to Tryon Creek Park in Portland for a Letterbox adventure. Well, we didn't manage to find any boxes and the only one that we looked diligently for appeared to have been washed down the creek ravine. However, the kids had a great time running down the paths, petting dogs, and being goofy. Towards the end of the hike, they decided that puddle jumping would be fun...that is until mom imagined muddy kids and her nice semi-clean car.

While we did not manage to find a box, we had a good time and the plan is to try again. It appears that there are boxes at the Oregon Zoo and that should be an absolute blast of a time. With me back in PDX, Mario and I could start our letterboxing adventures with the kids again. This time perhaps we can get serious and include some of our own on the ol' list!

I will leave you with some pics from Sunday. Enjoy!

Noah was our map guide, and Natalie was our point guard. (she's trying to get ahead)

This is possibly the, "tree where three grow from one-hollow is the middle one, and younger are the two."

Let's build a dam!

Natalie was wearing a short dress, but for some reason whenever she walked/ran across a wet part of the trail she daintly pulled up her skirt. Funny as hell.

The kids had a great time!

I am SOO happy!

Honestly, I was VERY nervous about posting a blog that told the folks in ND that I have met someone. Worried that they would think everything was too soon, too fast, etc.

Than I read Mark's blog (after I posted) and while my initial reaction was: "I knew! she wasn't just going to be 'friend'" and after I stopped hyper-ventilating about that I continued to read and than re-read it again. I am so thrilled that Mark and I are moving along. I am so happy that Mark found someone that makes his heart soar and his shirt feel too small. :) I sincerely hope that what happens for him from now on, is better than anything he could have hoped for with me. I sincerely! wish the best for his journey past our marriage...

Also, I feel great because this means I feel a freedom to be with someone. I feel a freedom to care for ____, to be authentic with myself and anyone else.

It appears that Mark and I were both holding our breaths in the final moments of our marriage, and now we are releasing it to finally breathe again. Mark, I am truly, truly glad for you.

The tiredness comes from lack of sleep...

Howdy. Hi. Hello. Hola.

Monday the lawyer finished the paperwork to send to Court. Soon we will be legally separated. I'm anxious. Not about being separated, but about the child support. I won't say more, but I will say I wish things could be different but truth is I am the legal provider for three kids. I also am beginning to wonder if it is right that I have legal sole custody of the kids. As my lawyer stated, it is only what is on paper and how Mark and I choose to handle the children is truly up to us. It is only a matter for legality should things be ever turned upside down. Also, we are over 1200 miles away from one another.

In other news, school for this term is almost over. Two more full weeks. Yeh!

I have an interview with OHSU in Portland on Friday. I applied for almost 7 positions there. I also applied for like half a dozen other jobs. Still, got to send out more.

Today I am tired. So, understand my writing is slightly misconstrued by a tired mind.

I have met someone. Yep, there I said it. All the folks in ND who read this now know, and all the other friends of mine know too. That is taking a risk...big. But, I want to talk about it a bit. Just a bit.

I met him via the internet. We have been seeing each other every weekend since for 3 weeks (criminy, that is no time at all!). During the week we talk via IM, or phone. Crap! The time we spend on phone is freaking ridiculous! However, it never seems to be as time-consuming as it is. We are pretty much always surprised that 3 hours has gone by, or whatever. Even when we are together we will go, "oh, you better go home ____ because it is getting late." and than we start talking again and the next thing we know when we look at our watches/cell phone another hour or more as gone by and yet it seems like it was only minutes.

On what seems to be every rational/logical and pros vs cons side of thinking, we don't make sense. Timing is wrong, circumstances on my part are too chaotic, too soon too fast (emotionally) and all the other avenues of thought that say, "Get a hold of yourself and act like a mature adult who doesn't get caught up in emotional whirlwinds, etc." Lucky for us, the physical part isn't even a consideration to be weighed in the whole deal; no time, kids, and no convenience. So, what we (I) am dealing with can not be said to be anything dealing with that aspect. So, what gives?? Have I been 'waiting' for someone like him? Has he been 'waiting' for someone like me? He has been single for quite awhile and been enjoying it for the most part. He says that he was caught quite off guard the first night we met, and that all his emotional feelings contradict his rational thoughts. (lol...same here) I think that we both think it is a good idea to step back, give everything more space (less time on phone, etc.) and just slow it down. But! Than when we talk it seems like the idea was never formulated...

What about the kids? Well, the kids have met him. Just recently though. Of course the girls like him (especially Hannah) and he likes them too. Noah just met him last night, I waited until I talked to Noah first. What did I say? Well, I asked Noah if he was comfortable meeting someone that I like and he said 'yes'. I explained further that the guy I wanted him to meet was not someone that I knew in HS, or someone that I worked with, but someone that I have not previously known and that I liked him. He said, " I am comfortable with that." I assured him that I would NEVER invite anyone into our lives to take his dad's place, and he said that he knew that. So, Noah met him. However, I have not met ____'s kids yet. He has two; ages 16 & 13. Boy and Girl. (he is 36) Why? Well, until he knows what he wants to do, and feels comfortable about it he is not going to introduce me to his kids. He made a vow some years back to keep his private dating world separate from his kids, and while I think that is great I think that based on what concerns he is having now with his daughter...I'm going to try and find a balance between what he has done and what I have done (i.e letting the kids meet him only after 3 weeks).

So what do i think I am going to do from here? Don't know. Do know that I am learning things about myself as I am talking with him (particulary in re: to how I try to emotionally take care of others too much and that in doing so, someday I could lose what I don't want too) and that this just part of a new journey of my life here in OR. Don't know what or where I'll be in six months, but hopefully it is all just bringing me back full circle.

Gotta go finish my school. Adios.


PS
One of my friends turns 30 this weekend. To her I say...you are beautiful, you have beautiful children, and you are a marvelous mom. For anything and everything that I could do, I will do to help you. Your journey, though it seems to have taken a couple of steps back, has not even slowed down. Just keep your eyes on the hope and the love of those who care about you. Remember, love comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes! (lol) You are the best my dear...