The tiredness comes from lack of sleep...

Howdy. Hi. Hello. Hola.

Monday the lawyer finished the paperwork to send to Court. Soon we will be legally separated. I'm anxious. Not about being separated, but about the child support. I won't say more, but I will say I wish things could be different but truth is I am the legal provider for three kids. I also am beginning to wonder if it is right that I have legal sole custody of the kids. As my lawyer stated, it is only what is on paper and how Mark and I choose to handle the children is truly up to us. It is only a matter for legality should things be ever turned upside down. Also, we are over 1200 miles away from one another.

In other news, school for this term is almost over. Two more full weeks. Yeh!

I have an interview with OHSU in Portland on Friday. I applied for almost 7 positions there. I also applied for like half a dozen other jobs. Still, got to send out more.

Today I am tired. So, understand my writing is slightly misconstrued by a tired mind.

I have met someone. Yep, there I said it. All the folks in ND who read this now know, and all the other friends of mine know too. That is taking a risk...big. But, I want to talk about it a bit. Just a bit.

I met him via the internet. We have been seeing each other every weekend since for 3 weeks (criminy, that is no time at all!). During the week we talk via IM, or phone. Crap! The time we spend on phone is freaking ridiculous! However, it never seems to be as time-consuming as it is. We are pretty much always surprised that 3 hours has gone by, or whatever. Even when we are together we will go, "oh, you better go home ____ because it is getting late." and than we start talking again and the next thing we know when we look at our watches/cell phone another hour or more as gone by and yet it seems like it was only minutes.

On what seems to be every rational/logical and pros vs cons side of thinking, we don't make sense. Timing is wrong, circumstances on my part are too chaotic, too soon too fast (emotionally) and all the other avenues of thought that say, "Get a hold of yourself and act like a mature adult who doesn't get caught up in emotional whirlwinds, etc." Lucky for us, the physical part isn't even a consideration to be weighed in the whole deal; no time, kids, and no convenience. So, what we (I) am dealing with can not be said to be anything dealing with that aspect. So, what gives?? Have I been 'waiting' for someone like him? Has he been 'waiting' for someone like me? He has been single for quite awhile and been enjoying it for the most part. He says that he was caught quite off guard the first night we met, and that all his emotional feelings contradict his rational thoughts. (lol...same here) I think that we both think it is a good idea to step back, give everything more space (less time on phone, etc.) and just slow it down. But! Than when we talk it seems like the idea was never formulated...

What about the kids? Well, the kids have met him. Just recently though. Of course the girls like him (especially Hannah) and he likes them too. Noah just met him last night, I waited until I talked to Noah first. What did I say? Well, I asked Noah if he was comfortable meeting someone that I like and he said 'yes'. I explained further that the guy I wanted him to meet was not someone that I knew in HS, or someone that I worked with, but someone that I have not previously known and that I liked him. He said, " I am comfortable with that." I assured him that I would NEVER invite anyone into our lives to take his dad's place, and he said that he knew that. So, Noah met him. However, I have not met ____'s kids yet. He has two; ages 16 & 13. Boy and Girl. (he is 36) Why? Well, until he knows what he wants to do, and feels comfortable about it he is not going to introduce me to his kids. He made a vow some years back to keep his private dating world separate from his kids, and while I think that is great I think that based on what concerns he is having now with his daughter...I'm going to try and find a balance between what he has done and what I have done (i.e letting the kids meet him only after 3 weeks).

So what do i think I am going to do from here? Don't know. Do know that I am learning things about myself as I am talking with him (particulary in re: to how I try to emotionally take care of others too much and that in doing so, someday I could lose what I don't want too) and that this just part of a new journey of my life here in OR. Don't know what or where I'll be in six months, but hopefully it is all just bringing me back full circle.

Gotta go finish my school. Adios.


PS
One of my friends turns 30 this weekend. To her I say...you are beautiful, you have beautiful children, and you are a marvelous mom. For anything and everything that I could do, I will do to help you. Your journey, though it seems to have taken a couple of steps back, has not even slowed down. Just keep your eyes on the hope and the love of those who care about you. Remember, love comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes! (lol) You are the best my dear...