How have things been, you wonder? Let's start with the kids. Since that is what you are really curious about. :) The kids are doing well; no sickness, no broken bones, etc. Noah has been asked to be tested for the Talented And Gifted(TAG) at school and Hannah is doing well too. Natalie is my shadow-yes, I could say a lot about that...

The kid's report cards shared that they are performing 'at' or 'above average' on everything that the teachers' evaluate.

At home, they get along great except for Hannah and Natalie perhaps. I feel like they are often bossing each other around, or whining at each other, or complaining about the other. I'm told that it will be the bane of my life as their parent for forever. Natalie is funny sometimes because she utters the most confident and grown-up things-though they are sometimes misguided. For example, I put her to bed the other night and later she came into the living room. When I asked her why she was up she said, quite simply, "I don't want to go to bed." She seemed confused as to why she got a spank. Than today when the kids were watching TV and I told them to get ready for bed Hannah paused the TVR so Natalie could get changed and not miss the program. Natalie said, "Hannah I am really proud of you for doing that. That is a really nice thing to do. that was very thoughtful, thank you. I am so proud." I just about laughed out loud!

And for the other news, school will wrap up this week. I've got a final to complete by Friday and than I'll be done for about two weeks before Spring term starts Apr. 2. I've been looking half-heartedly for work because of the pressure of the last three-two weeks but things are getting serious and so I need to buckle down. Last week I had a couple of interviews and one of them was a call back-OHSU. OHSU than called and asked for references and today they asked for references from the credit union. I can't tell if this is good or bad.

I spent some time tonight (three hours or so) looking online for different jobs to apply for and housing options in PDX. Tell you what, depression medicine can not even help me deal with the feelings of depression from what I see/find. I can find jobs that I'd qualify for and probably get hired no problem, but than I make too little to sustain the kids and I. No. Seriously make too little. Applying for the jobs that have higher income potential also mean that there are higher requirements such as education (BA/BS etc), job experience, skills, etc. This is not bad, it just narrows my chances for hire. It would be wonderful to find a company that will see, believe, and give me the chance to prove that while I may not have all they seek-I'd be worth hiring. And, this company would be without the 'blown-up' promises and benefits.

Housing? HA! HA! HA! Do you want to know what I am talking about? Here do this for me: go online to craigslist.com or the oregonian.com or hapdx.org and look for 3 bedroom houses, townhomes, or apartments (but what the kids REALLY don't want to move into). Tell me if you can find a nice place in a good neighborhood for less than $800/month. I will find a decent place for less than $900/month because I know that they exist-I've been told that they exist. Question is, will they exist when I am ready to move out??

I reread my journal one night and read an entry that said I was too scared to leave because I did not know how I could manage being a single mom. Than in the last 9 months or so I've been told that I've gotten what I've wanted; so I wonder if they imagine that I am just soaring on a "happy cloud". Hmph. Yes, I feel peace and happiness as far as relationships go, but trying to figure how I am going to provide housing, food, basic needs, pay bills, etc is not soaring on a "happy cloud". I've never done this. This is new. I am scared. Whenever things looked tight or uncertain, I had the knowledge that someone was in the same boat with me and could help me bail the water. There is no one now. I've got others who throw me buckets, boots to keep our feet dry, and other things...but, technically I am the only one to bail the water if we get a leak. It is up to me to tell others when and if I need buckets, etc. but I am the bailer. I don't mind-I'm just scared and worried.

Lighter side of things, my best'est best'est best'est friend had her baby. Thinking about it makes my eyes tear because she is the best woman for the job. This baby was brought into a relationship that has had time to change, grow, change again, grow some more and be rooted in everything about them as individuals and as a couple. This baby is going to have the best for parents. When I think of her having had to go through the labor process, I am so proud of her my heart swells to ten times its' size. When I think that she may have experienced that emotional release with holding the baby for the first time, I cry with happiness. She deserves the best of everything that this world can offer. To her I say: you are phenomenal and I love you. Congratulations to you and your husband. You two are wonderful and amazing people.

Okay, this is the end of this post. Night.