Scared...

But before i share why because I know that whenever anyone says they're scared...everyone is curious why. You're just going to have to wait. :)

Good news first. I just got a job offer (well, still have to pass the drug test and background check, but we all know it will be clean) from OHSU. Probably starting next Wednesday. Now, it is just a matter of logistics with family, etc.

I am so glad that I got the offer. Two reasons, I was getting tired of the job searching because I found it depressing and I need an income. I believe that working again will also bring my spirits back up-they were getting a bit low. (lol) Yesterday I had a job interview that seemed feasible, but than upon closer examination it appeared that there were too many flaws or risks. However, today while I was searching I found two jobs that seem very intriguing. Should I apply and see? Just in case. But, these other jobs may require more than a M-F 8-5 sort of work. However, they'd be a bit more exciting, though maybe not as stable income wise. However, that also means I could make MORE than the OHSU job. Just out of curiousity I think I'd give it a try. Sometimes the greatest opprotunities are found through taking a risk.

Oh, you don't want to hear about that anymore. You want to hear about why I'm scared? Sheesh, what if i don't want to tell you now?

Ah, alright...so I just have had an emotional couple of days. Why? Hmmm, just have. Consider forming a relationship like standing on a thin wire and sometimes things happen, or information is shared, or thoughts are had, and than that thin wire begins to shake. One of two things can, or will, happen - one, the two people grab for one another to steady themselves as the wire shakes or two, one of the persons decides to get off the thin wire. Oh, wait. There could be a third possibility, the third is that the two people grab to steady and than one decides after the wire stops shaking that that was too scary and THAN gets off. (Bet all you relationship mathmeticians can come up with more possibilities than that even!) Point is, the thin wire I am standing on shook. I'm still feeling the vibrations in my core. I believe I will for a long time. What happened? Let me just say that decisions I made a short time ago, and that I knew were against what I believed and wanted to stand for, have come back to haunt me. If you are reading this and truly believe that you do not reap what you sow...yes you do! It is the Gospel Truth. Anyway. Decision was made to go with feelings vs thoughts. But!!!! The shadow of the thoughts will linger in the background. As eloquently said, "It is like the saying, "It is easier to forgive than it is to forget" and while that saying does not apply to what is happening, it is the same principle." So I stand with gratefulness in my heart, and fear in my spirit.

Know what I thought later? No. Why can't you read my mind...i can read yours. :) I thought that I should just walk away. Say "thank you" and walk away. But, when I said that to myself I felt a sense of closing down. Like I was shutting something away behind a door, and I realized that I really don't want to do that. I don't know what that 'something' is, but I don't want to put it away either. The analogy that seems to fit is this: it is like having a finger that got broke/hurt/whatever and you stopped using it. Eventually sensation just sort of went away. You don't really mind not having the use of that finger because you've learned how to function without it. Things still work and you manage fine. Than, for whatever reason you go to see a physical therapist and they persuade you to start trying to use the finger again. As circulation is brought back into the vessels of the finger the nerves awaken and tell you that there is pain involved in using the finger again. For the purpose of protecting yourself from pain, and from the fear of that pain, you decide to stop doing what the therapist suggested. However, thoughts start to trickle in and memories start to awaken. You begin to wonder, "what would it be like if I had use of that finger again? Would what I do already just be done more easily? Would it be better?" Memories of the time when you did use the finger and how things were begin to flood back, but darn it all! - there is the pain as the blood begins to flow again and as the joints are forced into movement again. Criminy! What to do?! Move on with a crippled hand because of one finger, or continue doing the therapy and seeing if having the use of all the fingers was worth it?

Me? I feel like I am cheating if I don't give what the therapist suggests at least an effort. So...

Gosh dang it all!! Why does it have to feel so freaking serious?!

I think I'm going to go mentally coccoon for awhile - maybe I'll emerge as a butterfly. :)

PS
So, why do I freakin post such intimate emotional detail on what is obviously a public blog site? Good question. I guess it is because of the instinct to "confess". If I find a better answer in my psychology or communication classes - I'll let you know.