Con Permiso

I will be honest.

I have come to the acknowledgement (again*sigh*I do not learn easy) that most of my problems in my life are simply that; my problems. :) They are what they are by my perceptions, my prejudices, and my failures to "let go". I can not hold my problems as the cause of soley my husband, though he may play a part, it is again how I chose to percieve them that utilimately decides if they become "a problem". How can he win against an issue that has not been removed from day one? Or how can he gain acceptance if I hold him in a light of prejudice? Prejudice of ideal; of my own concepts of what I want for my reality.

This brings to light a question I must face too; is what I desire for my world realistic in the space of where I am and what I have? If I chose the things I want in my life, will the judgements of others be justifiable? Meaning, will their perceptions be more actual in truth than say, my own? Will choosing what I want ultimately bring the peace of "myself" that I yearn for?

I have had that peace, but it was had by simply being. In that I mean, I was in a place where I could gaze on the land (that has nurtured my soul) around me and ignore the weight of the world. I could float free while listening to the wind through trees, and water carried over rocks. If I ever got to be in this place again, and could chose to be there as many times as I felt the desire, or need, would what brought me to this, affect that "simply being" peace? Ahh, Does that make any sense?

Okay, on another note...last night after class I met up with a friend and we went to the "Devil's Den" (not really called that, but that is what the locals call it because even the Devil could get drunk there). While we were sitting and chatting at a vacant Black Jack table this older gentleman kept looking at us, so we eventually looked over and said "Hi". He asked us a couple of questions mostly how were we?. etc, and what country was O. from? (she gets that a LOT) When he looked straight at my hair and muttered, " I love your hair." I laughingly told him it was a mistake, but he grins real big and called it "beautiful". Okay, so he is drunk I think and my friend and I go back to chatting to ourselves. But I keep getting this sense that someone is looking at me, and as I turn around I see that the DG (drunk guy) is starring at my hair. He sees that I am looking at him and he mutters again, "I love your hair" O. laughs at him and so he starts talking with her again, and then he offers us a drink which to my complete surprise O. says "sure". I have a personal rule that I do not take drink offers from someone unless I know them, but O. is already taking his $ and so I decide to give HIM the tip. :) Eases my conscience. (lol) Well, now we are required to chat with him for a few and we do, whereas he keeps starring at my hair and mentioning how much he likes it. Well, eventually O. decides to get into a Black Jack game and so we abandon the vacant table and head for a more active one. I, again, am against gambling, so I just watch and try to learn how to play. One guy next to me was very good at counting...he made over $60 and than left. He said the decks weren't counting well. (?) As I am watching O. I feel a arm wrap itself around my neck and this strong aftershave fill my nostrils, it is the DG. Leaning on me he asks how we are doing, I lightly say "okay, but could be better". Meanwhile I am thinking, "And who gave you permission to touch me? I in no way shape of form have given you permission, or given you cues, that this would be okay!" I think he got the vibe because after just a brief spell he pulls his arm off and walks away. Whew! We see this guy a couple more times at the Black Jack table as he checks in on O.'s status in the game, and every now and than as I glance around the room I catch him starring at my hair.

Who would of thought? Someone likes the color "orange". Even if he is a DG. (lol!)