No tiempo para mis amigas!

So, I want to be social, and enjoy other people, but I have two issues. First, I frankly do not have much time for it. To be successful in my job, school, house chores, etc. I need to place whatever time I have into my responsibilities that are a priority to a "calm" life. I want to be a manager at my job, thus I need to put lots of energy into being the best as a trainer and showing more assertiveness with the general staff (as dictated by the GM). I want as many A's as I can achieve at school, and that means STUDY. I want as clean as a house as I can manage (which is not much) and also with my kids, I just do not have much time to be social. Or energy! On a normal basis this does not cause much concern, but I happen to have a friend that is always inquiring when I'll be able to go out with her. This is stressful for me. I want to be her friend because I do enjoy her, and also because our spouses are good friends, but I do not like the pressure. Also, she wants to go out and have drinks all the time, but I am not interested in always going out for a drink. Why? Because it costs money, and what benefit does drinking have?

Second, most of "our" friends want to drink to socialize. Why? This is expensive, and it inevitably leads to topics of discussion that perhaps are better left alone. Not always, but sometimes. It also can lead to behaviors that wouldn't happen otherwise,and that are either the brunt of someone's shame, or the topic of someone's jokes for too many conversations following. Also, do I want to remember if someone I know did something that I thought stupid, every time I am with someone from the "group"? (For those who read this and know who I refer too: I am not pinning out any particular occurence in my mind!) Or do I want to be reminded of my own stupid behavior? Yes, I enjoy "our" friends, I think I just get tired of how our social events seem to mimick each other.

I am not indicating that I think that I am better than anyone else, or that I am bored with "our" friends, but I think that what I am saying is: I want to talk about the things I am learning/thinking in school with others, and I miss those that I could do so with. I miss my sisters, my life friends, my brothers, my aunts, and my parents. I could share and explore all sort of weird, enriching, and intriguing ideas with them. And the thing is, they interacted with me. They too shared their knowledge, or ideas, or questions; with me. Our dialogues weaved trapestrys of intellect and philosophy, as well as everyday stuff. I miss that.

Getting out and having a social drink with friends is good. I think that I just miss "my social arena" when I notice that I am partaking in only one type of networking all the time. I want someone to "analyze" my emotional handicaps with my kids and share with me insightful ways to overcome them. I want someone to encourage my growing knowledge by sharing their own. I want someone to tell me, "Keep going for that education L.! ", and see that in their life, they have the same convictions that I do. I want someone to understand my morals, ethics, and values. And I want to know that I know that they understand because we have talked, or debated, them with each other.

I guess, I am lonely amongst all the friends that I do have here. WHich is okay, it simply means I need to make an effort to find other people who can balance my network. I need to be part of "our" life, as well as find others (women!) who can be part of just "my" life. This will require the energy that I stated earlier as NOT having, but to fulfill that lonliness; I need to find it somewhere. I need to continue to cultivate the friends I do have, and find resources to make more that support that longing I have because I am not with my family and life friends.

Give me a month, I'll tell you what I've done. :)