Rum n Coke (the perfect combo)

Now I am not talking just any ol'Rum, but Rum in its finest state. Or as close to it as my cash flow allows. :)

I have spent the last half hour reading my daily list of blogs (and they all come from "You're the Mama"'s website) and noticed how 3 of the 5/6 that I read have been doing this required writing thing. I actually like the idea, but I am embrassed to jump on the bandwagon (though didn't I just admit I like it???). Anyway, the lastest writing assignment was to write the top ten things that you wanted to say in the last year...scary. I mean, if a person really confessed what they want to say and knew that a certain? (for each person "certain" pertains to their someone) someone would read it, wouldn't that be scary? For me, yes I think that it would. And I haven't had enough rum n' coke yet. *chuckle*

But I'll give it a try because I feel brave (stupid too?):
1. I want to move back to where I feel like I am "ME", and I realize that you would never go for that. You say that it is because of your dad, but I believe that if your dad passed away you would still want to stay because this is where your friends are. This is where "YOU" are. What we will do about this? The issue will not go away, it will always lie under the surface like a sleeping virus.


2. I do not like being a parent. I love my kids and would not trade them for the world, nor for an all-expense paid education, but I do not like parenting. There are more highly qualified women for the job.
3. Grow up.!!!!!!!!!
4. I am sorry when I act emotional. I know the best thing for our relationship is a stable and firm foundation of trust and control. I feel more comfortable when I am with you than I should and sometimes I give you too much information about my life. You are not as I have imagined, and as I process what is real, I will become more of what our friendship needs. I will try to be like...Delphinus.(greek)
5. You are the best friend that I have and I have failed you. I do not call you, I hardly write, and you have never received a 'thank you' card from me for all the gifts you have sent me and the kids. I cherish you and having you in my life makes it rich, I wish that I could see you more often. You make the better part of me shine. :)
6. You are a wonderful man. Oh, there are things I can not stand, but you love me and care very deeply for me. I can see it in your eyes.
7. (am I almost to 10 yet?) If I thought that I could say it for real, I would...I do not want to be more than a casual friend with you. I am too intimidated by your world, and I do not think that you understand mine. Why else do I need to repeat myself?
8. Mi hijos...I fail you. I am your mom by definition of love, birth, and family, but as for the nurturing warmth and strength that you need; I do not have it. I am a short-tempered, easily frustrated and overwhelmed, and selfish person. I demand obediance before I ask for hugs and kisses. I want order before I'll take chaos. I want intelligence before I'll take ignorance. I treat you as if you are already capable of knowing and understanding more than you possibly could. I have people in my life who remind me of where I need to stop and re-examine what I am doing, without them I do not know who I would be to you. They remind me that you are small, they remind me that you are shapable and I could "ruin" you, they remind me that I created you and therefore I must be responsible in that fact, and they remind me that if anyone came between you and me: I'd hurt them like they have never been hurt before.
9. I would look you in the eye and talk about my pain, my disappointments, and my weakness. And I would cry and cry and...probably remain the same.
10. I feel like I am sleeping inside, I am taking care of a part of me, but the essence that makes me "ME" is quiet. People speak of a passion they see within me, but I call it something else and when I think of the places that make me feel alive I weep in mourning for them. How could you comfortably live with this knowledge?! I know. It is because I am the stronger one, and therefore I am made to bear more. I bear the finances (note: I did not say the working part but the other part that is handled), I feel I bear the majority of the stress, I feel I bear the disorder of our lives. Have you ever sat and cried about our disorder? I know that this "bearing" will create a person of strength, courage, and faith because I know that this person cannot "bear" it all. And where I used to go and place my burdens is now over 12oo miles away, so I must find a strength within myself and handle more. But while I occassionally cry, or set my jaw and refuse a hug, I know that in time I will be a better woman because of this journey.

Whoa! After sips of coke along the way I think my ten things didn't come so tough. What you think? :)

Tomorrow night is my last final for the semester. Yipee! Have a happy hug from me! But than, I will have to decide what to do about work. GM has placed an offer (made of sand) at this point to promote me to Floor Manager in January, BUT this is a restaurant and unless I actually see a definite plan of action, I am reserved about it. This place is like an ADHD child, w/o retalin. I plan to pursue other job openings as well, and there was just an article in the paper the other day about the fact that employers are having a hard time keeping their employees because so many new businesses are moving in. Yeh!

Oh, on another tangent. I went to a luncheon today for the NDPC and I enjoyed it immensely. Intelligent people talking intelligently. You know there is something about people who have had diplomatic practice in conversations before, no one says a "bad" or "wrong" thing. They may not agree with you, but you are not told you are "stupid" or "wrong". Well, if you are told you have to be smart enough to figure it out. (lol)

Time to read some astronomy! Wish me an "A" on this examen.