Happy Anniversay

Today I have been married 8 yrs., and today I went to a funeral home to view my brother one last time.

The body that I saw did not look like my brother, it did not resemble the man I have loved so long. I remember a face full of light, and always with a smile. This face was bruised and dark from lack of oxygen, it was NOT my brother.

I am trying to understand, I'm trying to accept, I'm trying to adjust. It is going to take a long time.

I have been told that as my brother sought acceptance in life, we should give it to him in death. We should trust that he knew what he was doing and give him that acceptance.

Part of my pain is how I see how separate I am from my brothers and sisters. And how while we are each part of this family, we are also each an individual and an island to themself. That is what I am finding hard, I can not intrude on anyone's thoughts, feelings, or presence without their consent. So, I become an island too.

I know that it is not okay, but I am trying to find my place of healing. Yes, Liz...it is okay to cry, it is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry.