Delayed, but still from the heart!

Happy Birthday Liorah!

Today(3/31) one of my kindred souls was born; and I do not know how to express how I feel about you. I often feel that I do not need to express my words, because when I am in your presence I believe that you can sense it. Even from afar.

You were my "partner in crime" in so many things growing up. You were my fellow soldier on so many different adventures and escapades. We were the "rat pack"; sneaking into neighbor's houses, through neighbor's yards, playing in forbidden barns, swimming in winter swollen creeks, and along "no trespassing" river front property. The land was our playground, and as long as we didn't get caught-who cared if it was private?!

I "borrowed" your clothes, but they never looked as good on me as they did on you. Miss bubble butt! And! with your shoulders, shoulder pads actually looked good on you!

You were my summer playmate- I didn't NEED friends because I always had you and Mario. Playing at the river all day, riding bikes to Waterloo just so we could buy $5-10 dollars worth of candy and than eating it all while sitting by the falls, exploring hillsides with friends, and spending the summer nights underneath the stars; looking for letters, animals in the sky or telling scary stories just to make Mario cry. :)

The other day as I was thinking about you all I realized that we are all very "unique". I have friends who fight with their siblings and it occurred to me-we don't fight. We don't agree with a sibling, but we don't have fights that lead the other to not want to talk with the other person. We all love each other so much, that we WANT to get along. I have so much respect, love, and admiration for you that imagining you NOT in my life or NOT talking with you, is impossible and unbearable.

I have so many feelings, thoughts, and ideas that I want to convey, but I become overwhelmed with emotions and I am struck with nothing to say. My language is inadequate for my love to you. I am sorry Lee.

I love you Lee-or. I'd give my life for you.

Your sis.

Happy Birthday Natalie!

Today, 3 years ago, I had given birth to you and for the first time-was stunned; to learn that you were a girl. Your dad and I were pretty certain that you were a boy (though I had no ultrasound to prove this theory, but rather went on a mom's "sense") and you were to be named "Jacob". Imagine our surprise when the doctor said, "Congratulations! You have a girl."

Your dad rushed to the local Target, or someplace, when it opened and bought you an adorable pink outfit! Since you were our last child, your dad got the honor of naming you, and he chose "Natalie". Which means, "to be born" or "christmas" depending on the origin. And, your second name comes from Aunt Marion. Her middle name is "Grace" too.

You are very different from your brother and sister. You are somewhat-indescribable. You are spunky, cute, opinionated, and sweet as hell. Heck, you melt your dad into the palm of your little hands. You love to cuddle, oh! how you love to cuddle.

You hold your own against Hannah and Noah, oft times to their utter frustration, but it's good to see that perhaps your strong sense of "Me" will keep you from getting the short-end-of-the-stick. :)

I love you very much Natalie. I want to be the type of mom that you can reflect upon later and respect. I want to protect you from the "evils" of this world, and I want to help you be one of the finest young ladies anyone will have ever met. I want people to meet you and leave with the impression that they have just met a very interesting woman, and desire to meet you again. I want you to have rich and fulfilling friendships that are authentic and sincere. I want the absolute best for you that this earthly world has to offer. My heart melts with love for you my child.

I truly, truly and deeply love you Natalie. I only pray that I can be the parent that you deserve to have. I adore you.

Your devoted mom-

I have a post drafted to honor Natalie today, since it is her 3rd BIRTHDAY today, but I need to work on it some more.

I was thinking about my problems getting into a counselor who is readily accepted with our insurance (all booked until mid-May) and than I thought, "I'll write to you." You're my "free" counselor. I pay for this blogging crap with my personal dignity.

I can not figure out what is wrong. I mean, I feel so lethargic all the time. If I did not have responsibilities, I'd be in bed all the time. I have been sick off and on for quite a while, but not the really "drop dead" sick, but more the "god, I feel like I have no energy and I don't feel good and I just want to lie down" sick. I have been suffering from a sore throat this last week and today it hit the roof with, "Shit! I can't swallow w/o it feeling like I'm trying to swallow a LARGE (grandmother size) horse pill that is stuck in the back of my mouth and it has rubbed my throat raw!" I do not feel bad anywhere else. My ears feel fine and aside from feeling lethargic, there appears to be nothing else wrong. Since I don't want to talk, the kids and Mark should be happy.

I have done the following to try and get rid of this lethargy:
a) take 500 mg of B-5/day
b) take multi-vit w/high B-vit complex
c) take Effexar XR
d) take Cod Liver Oil (10 mL)

Aside from excercising, which seems like a task to big to tackle, I am trying what I thought would help ease this "cloud" from my brain.

I do not think that Jon's death should be playing such a large factor in all of this because...I have accepted his death. Or at least, I think that I have. I am not mad at him, nor do I feel any anger at the whole "idea" of him being gone. If anything, I am simply sad. But should sadness weigh so heavily?

I am more sad because I am away from the ones that I love so dearly (see, I had no tears in my eyes until now). Jon's death told me that I need to feel like I am a part of my siblings' lives, and in my parents'. Before, it was simply wishing that I was not so far away, but now it is deeper than that. I have to go home this summer.

I do not know what to do. I want to "fix" this lethargy. I want to have energy again, and I want to be a productive adult again without feeling like it takes so much energy to do it. Everything I do is half-assed, and sooner or later it is going to be my un-doing.

Someone tell me, what should I do? I do not want to feel this way, and yet, what I do does not seem to help...anyone have a suggestion?

PS. Natalie's b-day post will be up tonight. She is such a doll!

I dedicate this to all that find the spirit of nature resting in their bosom(s).

"Nature never wears a mean appearance.

Neither does the wisest man extort her secret, and lose his curiosity by finding out all her perfection. Nature never became a toy to a wise spirit. The flowers, the animals, the mountains, reflected the wisdom of his best hour, as much as they had delighted the simplicity of his childhood.

When we speak of nature in this manner, we have a distinct but most poetical sense in the mind. We mean the integrity of impression made by manifold natural objects. It is this which distinguishes the stick of timber of the wood-cutter, from the tree of the poet. ...

There is a property in the horizon which no man has but he whose eye can integrate all the parts, that is, the poet. ...

To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature. Most persons do not see the sun. At least they have a very superficial seeing. The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and the heart of the child.

The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercourse with heaven and earth, becomes part of his daily food. In the presence of nature, a wild delight runs through the man, in spite of real sorrows. Nature says, — he is my creature, and maugre all his impertinent griefs, he shall be glad with me. Not the sun or the summer alone, but every hour and season yields its tribute of delight; for every hour and change corresponds to and authorizes a different state of the mind, from breathless noon to grimmest midnight. Nature is a setting that fits equally well a comic or a mourning piece. In good health, the air is a cordial of incredible virtue.

Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded sky, without having in my thoughts any occurrence of special good fortune, I have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration. I am glad to the brink of fear.

In the woods too, a man casts off his years, as the snake his slough, and at what period soever of life, is always a child. In the woods, is perpetual youth.

Within these plantations of God, a decorum and sanctity reign, a perennial festival is dressed, and the guest sees not how he should tire of them in a thousand years. In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life, — no disgrace, no calamity, (leaving me my eyes,) which nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground, — my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, — all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or particle of God. The name of the nearest friend sounds then foreign and accidental: to be brothers, to be acquaintances, — master or servant, is then a trifle and a disturbance. I am the lover of uncontained and immortal beauty. In the wilderness, I find something more dear and connate than in streets or villages. In the tranquil landscape, and especially in the distant line of the horizon, man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature.
The greatest delight which the fields and woods minister, is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable. I am not alone and unacknowledged. They nod to me, and I to them. The waving of the boughs in the storm, is new to me and old. It takes me by surprise, and yet is not unknown. Its effect is like that of a higher thought or a better emotion coming over me, when I deemed I was thinking justly or doing right.
Yet it is certain that the power to produce this delight, does not reside in nature, but in man, or in a harmony of both. It is necessary to use these pleasures with great temperance. For, nature is not always tricked in holiday attire, but the same scene which yesterday breathed perfume and glittered as for the frolic of the nymphs, is overspread with melancholy today. Nature always wears the colors of the spirit."

-"Nature" Essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Birthday Mom!

Mom, how can I honor you this day? I wish that I was there to wrap you in my arms and whisper my words of love. How I wish that I could be there to honor you with a task of respect (i.e no housework, cooked dinner (better yet! take you to dinner!), or just sit with you as we speak our thoughts and confess, unspoken, our joy in just being together.

Today as I imagine the kind of mom that I want to be-I see evidence of you. I want to travel the back roads of the mountains with my kids and discover little gems of mountain lakes, or find the perfect swimming hole along side some road that follows a river. I want to raise chickens and give my kids the chance to make pets with them. I want to camp with them in a quiet spot and teach them how to protect themselves, so that they can freely explore the river, trail, and lake. I want them to recognize the great spots to catch trout, and to value the beauty of nature.

As I have been journeying through my education, whenever I feel overwhelmed I think of you and begin to feel a rush of renewed strength. You are my inspiration.

I see you interact with my kids and I feel such a deep appreciation. You are engaging, creative, and full of desire to give them gifts made by your own hand that expresses your deep love for them. You reverberate with energy and it is contagious as you explore ideas and nature. Constantly you seek ways to show them something new and interesting. Always with camera not too far away to capture the moment. (That must be a Threadgill/Riutzel thing)

Your imagination extends beyond the limits of your body, and it shows how determined you are in spirit. You make us understand that nothing is beyond our ability, if we just have the will and desire to accomplish it.

You are an amazing woman, and I hope to keep at least a little bit of what makes you strong and unique.

Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.

Thanks!

I deleted the former post so that I did not have to tempt anyone that wasn't supposed to read, to read it.

I had successful advise; thank you Aunt C., and mom. Mom, I was relieved to hear that you suffer from the same stress related rash.

I got myself some B-5 and so far it has taken the itch away, but still have the redness. It makes Mark cringe. Lol.

Today I took the day off to spend with the kids. We went to an auction yard to see the cattle, horses, goats, and sheep. Since I had never been there we walked around quite lost, trying to figure out how we could actually get up close to the animals instead of just walking over them. Eventually I found out that we could go where the employees go, only when they were not herding the animals through. :)

It was kind of neat to sit inside the auctioning arena. It so reminded me of the song,

"An' I said, hey, pretty lady, won'cha gi'me a sign I'd give anything to make you mine all mine I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beckon call Yeah, I never seen anyone lookin' so fine Man, I gotta have her, she's a one-of-a-kindI'm goin' once, goin' twice,I'm sold! On the lady in the second row She's an eight, she's a nine, she's a ten, I know She's got ruby red lips, blond hair, blue eyes An' I'm about to bid my heart good-bye!"-Sold by John Michael Montgomery

I kept singing the song in my head as they were going a mile a minute on the prices! :)

Anyway, Mark is gone fishing this weekend and so I have the kids and the house all to myself for the night and most of tomorrow. Yeh!

Noah is at a birthday party right now and I've got to go get him soon. Adios!

Post note: Last night I went to bed thinking about how cold the wind was and that Mark was sitting on a river shore somewhere, where the water brings the wind off the river even colder than anywhere else. And I chuckled. I had seen Mark and his friend at Wal-Mart excited over the find of a Wal-Mart Ozark dome tent for $25 and than I imagined him with his lack of cold weather gear (Particularly socks). I wondered if Mark would be crawling into bed sometime late morning. He did. Poor guy.

The other day I had a good talk with my sister Liorah, and since than I have felt my emotions; instead of bottling them up. Now, I cry at night before I fall asleep and now I cry spontaneously during the day. It feels alright. I am not trying to be "strong", now I am being real.

Last night, before I went to bed I walked by my brother's spot in my house,and for a moment I was caught by a picture.


And as I looked at it I remembered his fun laugh and the kids calling him, "Uncle Jon!". When I put the picture down I said, "I'm sorry Jon."

I do not judge my brother. One day as I kept telling myself, "This too will pass." (This is one of my mottos in hard times) I realized that my brother said that too, but one day...he felt it just wasn't going to pass and that the knowledge of living without it passing was just too difficult. If I really believed that my hard times wouldn't pass, and that my kids would survive, I would reason his decision. However, I always seem to see a hint of a beautiful sunset which tells me that I just need to keep aiming for the horizion. Over there is something worth viewing and worth living for.

Things have been shaken up for me lately. I have realized that I NEED my family in Oregon. I need them as Mark has need of his dad. I do not know if this is true fact or a highly charged emotional one, but last night I thought, "I will not be able to heal fully and completely until I am with my family because while I am away I feel a piece of me is gone, and it leaves a void. This void creates a sense of loss, which makes healing difficult."

I've never wanted to be a smalltown minded woman whose happiness is satisfied with soley working at a local job (which is providing but isn't want you really want), family, and partying on the weekend. I've always wanted a taste of experience and adventure. I do not mind being considered "weird and eccentric" because it means I love to live life vs letting life live me. I have seen so many women around here who seem to just let life take them, instead of them taking life and it bothers me. It makes me feel isolated. It shocks me that I want to go back to Oregon, because I never wanted to lack in travels, but in my time of pain, I feel I need to be back at my homebase with my unit.

As Mark is reading this he is probably feeling hurt/upset that I do not see our "unit" as my "homebase", and I can understand that feeling. I also think that he could understand if he imagined what he saw while we were in Oregon for Jon's service. I think he almost felt like an outsider with all the "togetherness" there was around siblings, cousins, aunts, and parents. But he was a great support for me, he let me do what I needed too and he even bought me 2 pds of Sees' Chocolates! (I think I got about 4-6 pieces of it)

"Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that never can end."-Richard Bach

Today I was very "liorah, marion, mom, dad, aaron, cj and whenever sarah is around, sarah"-sick today. I wanted to sit on the stairs in the kitchen and listen to mom talk as she cooked, or sit in the living room and watch a TV show with dad. I wanted to sit at the end of the table and talk like an adult with my parents. I wanted to sit with Liorah as she processes her recent discoveries of self, etc. I wanted to be in Mario's living room laughing with her as our children did something cute and funny. I wanted to be "connecting" on a one-to-one basis with my Oregon family.

I want to listen to Aunt P talk about her frustrations because it makes me reflect on my own relationships with my siblings. I want to give Aaron a hug and make it a tight one. I want to quietly watch CJ and marvel at her. I want to openly watch Sarah and laugh, and than shake my head with "i don't get it". I want to person-to-person talk about a brother who sits on my heart, and on theirs too. I want to confess my personal thoughts about him, and have someone physically hug me and tell me that they understand. AND know that they understand, and that I ACCEPT their understanding.

Today was a good day to stay in bed. (smiling)

Can I really get into OSU?????

okay, here I am racking (literally combing the recesses of my teeny-tiny brain) to find these answers. I am feeling gloomy every time my rake passes through and finds nothing. Can I really expect to get into Oregon State?

1. Leadership/Group Contributions: Describe examples of your leadership experience in which you have significantly (did that say 'significantly"?) influenced others, helped resolve disputes, or contributed to group efforts over time.

2. Knowledge in a filed/creativity: Describe any of your special interests and how you have developed knowledge in these areas. Give examples of your creativity: the ability to see alternatives; take diverse perspectives; come up with many, varied, or original ideas; or willingness to try new things. (Jon would have answered this well)

3. Dealing with adversity: Describe the most significant challenge you have faced and the steps you have taken to address this challenge. Include whether you have turned to anyone in facing that challenge, the role that person played, and what you learned about yourself.

4. Community service: Explain what you have done to make your community a better place to live. Give examples of specific projects in which you have been involved over time. (ahh, when do I have time or the money to pay for childcare while I do this?)

5. Handling systemic challenges: Describe your experiences facing or witnessing discrimination. Tell us how you responded and what you learned from those experiences and how they have prepared you contribute to the OSU community.

6. Goals/tasks commitment: Articulate the goals you have established for yourself and your efforts to accomplish these. Give at least one specific example that demonstrates your work ethic/diligence.


Yeh, Einstein. I've got to come up with some creative answers. Help anyone????

Hannah runs excitedly to me and says, with a gleam in her eye, "Mom! I beat Lego Star Wars on XBox! And, Noah hasn't even done that yet! Can I play again?"

Noah will be so mad. :)

I read this person's blog almost every other day, and I enjoy it immensely because she is witty and funny as hell. She also has awesome links.
Blog: All and Sundry
Today's link (and this is the coolest thing that I've seen in a LONG time): This ain't Mary Poppins Chalk Art

A cute thing that Natalie says when she is hungry or thirsty..."Can I be {insert hungry or thirsty}? It is so cute! And than so irritating when she has JUST eaten.

I heard this song by Dixie Chicks and I thought..."YES!"

I said I wanna touch the earth

I wanna break it in my hands

I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I wanna sleep on the hard ground ...

on a pillow of blue bonnets in a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me

I said ... take me away

fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue set me free

oh I pray closer to heaven above ...

...

I wanna walk and not run,

I wanna skip and not fall

I wanna look at the horizen, and not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one, for miles and miles

...

oh it sounds good to me, yes it sounds so good to me,

... take me away,

fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue set me free,

oh, I pray, closer to heaven above, ...

... I said,

I wanna touch the earth,

I wanna break it in my hands

I wanna grow something wild and unruly

oh it sounds so good to me,

... take me away,

fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue set me free,

oh, I pray, closer to heaven above, ...

Closer ...

closer ...,

closer ...,

... take me away,

...

I erased some words, but what is there is what I mean. :)

I AM A BLOGGING FREAK...does that mean I lack intelligence? Or that I am hungry for conversation?

"Get your ass up and do my job if you think that I don't deserve even a 10% tip!"
"Yeh, I am ignoring your condescending look and I am brushing off your bad vibe, because if I don't...my other tables suffer. Beauch"
"Oh, you think you'd get better service in the bar? Well, if they weren't sooo busy and maybe had a place for you to sit, you'd see that even with the two of them-they be no better than the one of me. Because they run their ass twice as much as I do for everyone's freakin' beer refills"
"Next time, before you judge what crappy service I give...take a look around. Do you see anyone else taking tables and trying to wait on 25 people (all but 8 coming in right after you!)?"
"I treat you as a honored guest, I portray no thought beyond wanting to serve your needs, I explain what I am going to do and when you can expect to see me back at your table (thus giving you an idea of when I'll be back even though I have a lot of tables), and I still offer the "Ten Steps"-yet you act like I am just a beginning server. You try it!"
"Oh, and you are at the end of my long night of serving...maybe just maybe I am a little tired!"

Gosh, I think that I feel better now. Thanks!
___________________________________________

Come on....relieve some stress! Slap 'em, smack 'em, whack 'em, slam 'em. Give them all you've got!

Waitress/Waiter Dammit Doll
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Customers can be so demanding, rude and impatient. Didn't leave a tip after 100 trips to their table? Blame the cook's mistakes on you? Don't want to wait their turn? Keep this doll in your apron when it all becomes too much!

Poem inside tag reads as follows:

I am a waitress (waiter)
I am here to serve
I do my very best
But it gets on my nerves
Can I have some ketchup
I need mustard too
My cup is empty
I need some of that too
Your order you say
Is not made right
Blame the cook
For this oversight
Oh, my word
I am so tense
Thanks for the tip
Not dollars, just cents
My feet are sore
My back, it hurts
I am so tired
Of you ungrateful jerks
So, I'll take my doll
And choke it in private
While I smile at you
I'll just have to hide it!
© 2001 Busy Fingers Crafts
Poem p

Today is Mario's b-day! Happy Birthday!! Love you!!


___________________


Today's Lesson: do NOT get your hair done by a co-worker's girlfriend UNLESS you have previously found out the cost. Why? One, I would not have gone to this place if I had known how $ it was, and second, you are expected to tip well.

Will I go again? No!

So much to say-no one to say it too.


This following poem is dedicated to my sister Mario. Mario, you are the best mom in the world!

EXCUSE THIS HOUSE

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.

Ours boasts of it quite openly,

The signs are everywhere----

For smears are on the windows

Little smudges on the doors;

I should apologize,

I guess for the toys strewn on the floor

But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read;

And if the doorbell doesn't shine,

Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to choose

The one job or the other----

I want to be a housewife,

But first I'll be a Mother.

- author unknown

Congrats! -to me

On Sunday we had an employee appreciation party, and I was awarded the distinction of being named: "The FOH (front of house) Employee of the Year".

No raise, just an extra tidbit for my resume. :)

PS
I saw the movie Waiting, and I hung my head in shame, and than laughed quietly to myself in irony.

Later.

Last night I realized two things: my core, and the fact that I am screwed up. In many different ways.

This is not a self-abashing blog, this is a reflective one.

Last night I was left alone to consider the fact that I would be a single mom working a minimual paying job. I was also left to face the fact that my character was going to be placed on the stage for all to judge, and the verdict would be suspicious. I was left to contemplate going through the process of court to fight for the kids I love, and could I fight? I love them too much to make them choose, but never want them to think I walked away from them. I was left to feel like the bad judgement that I made, and face all the consequences in my mind. I was left to cry and feel my pain throughout my body-I was told that I had been held for the last time; the rejection ripped at my soul.

And than when I said, "Jon. If you felt like this...I can accept your decision. If you felt that you would rather die, than face the pain of living, than I acknowledge what you did, because I would rather put a shot gun to my head than face my future." After I said this and as I shook with agony I heard something, "You are stronger than this. You will face this, and you will go on." Than a picture formed within my mind and it resembled a tall tower that was being shook up and all the bricks were falling to the ground, but within this tower shone a bright light. And this bright light represented my "core", my essence, the spirit within my body. I than felt a strength return to me, and I felt like my soul regained its grasp. I knew I could move on.

My tears dried up, but the pressure in my head amounted to excruicating pain. My intestines felt the desire to eliminate something, but couldn't decide if it would be up or down.

Than Mark came into the room. Fearful to express any desire for his comfort, I curled into a tiny ball and squeezed my eyes tight. Slowly he moved into my form and gently grabbed my hand, I timidly accepted. And than he said, "Don't hurt me again please." I realized with complete clarity what he was saying, he was literally "laying himself on the line" and I had the power to "destroy" him. I asked him why he was doing this and he said (after much thought), "Because I can not imagine living without you." I cried.

Last night as I was accused of giving my heart to others, I replied, "I have not given my heart to anyone, not even you." Today I thought about this. I had given my heart to others at times in my life; mainly, to my two loves in HS, but since than I have always been reserved. Held in check. I have always held Mark at an arm's length, and still do. But I am willing to try to give more, and only realized this recently.

However, I am very...protective. Protective of my very personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I am afraid that I will unwilling hurt Mark.

I write these blogs not for any stranger on the net, but for my family. To share my thoughts and life with them. If my blogs seem personal, it is because I am communicating to my loved ones in the PNW. Those who have known me for all my life, or for all of theirs (I love you).

Following conversations were held with Hannah:

H-"Mom, will I have babies when I am older?"
M-"Yes, but you should wait until marriage."
-thoughtful quiet passes-
H-"Oh, but I can't have babies for a long time because I need big boobs, and I just have nipples right now."

H-"Dad, do you like horses?"
D-"I think horses stink." (joking)
H-"No, they do not stink!"
D-"Yes, they do. When they poop."
H-"No, dad. Horses do not stink!"
-quiet for a moment-
H-"Well, horses do stink when they pee though."

Trust-a delicate flower

It is easy to assume that someone will believe you, or in you. Because you believe yourself, or in yourself. It comes as feeling of panic, and anger, when you realize that they don't, or won't.

I want to lay prostrate across the path of my beloved and cry out my heart's emotion, but I find my pride, and fear of being 100% vunerable, is in the way.

I want to stand and fight the disbelief, but yet I realize that if I fight and when this battle-I'll be fighting many future battles over the same thing. That my life will be miserable as I try to convince another of the truth. That I may have lost what I valued, and if I got some of it back, it would never be the same.

I imagine how I would feel, and realize the truth in what they say. I realize how delicate trust is and easy it is to be destroyed. One does not have to destroy it by committing one unforgivable act, but by chipping at trust on tiny insignificant mistruths. Than on the day that the other believes an unforgivable, you have no solid foundation to stand on. You've chipped away at the base slowly enough with little "insignificant" ones that you find it has crumbled when you place the weight of your character upon it.

It is wrenching when you realize that you'd sacrifice anything (any friend) to remain, but maybe the conveyance is too little too late. Now it seems like a pathetic attempt. It hurts when you know that within yourself you have changed-you have grown, you have stopped fighting, you are willing to accept, but you realize that you never said that. That you quietly grew, you quietly stopped fighting, and you just accepted without saying out loud to those that it mattered-"I accept." "I do."

This is just the beginning, where will it end? Where will I be when it ends? How much pain can a human spirit endure?

I love you!

"1-25-06
Hello! Lizard (lol)
Well how the heck are you and the kids doing. great I hope. you have always tried to make the best out what you got. Hope you guys had a good Christmas. Where the poster hanging. It is in good taste. I thought. So what outdoors in the winter time in SD. It gets really out there don't it. Mt Hood has been geting some good snow this winter. So of course I've been snowboarding alot!!! I love up there in the snow and that little town of Govt Camp. Theres this perfect trail you can ride down from timberline lodge down to Govt Camp and then hitch a ride back up. So it free and you get to meet some cool people. I've meet some really great girls up there. So hows school goin. Liorah plays water polo now. She always got have some way to push herself. I'm working graveyard at that dam j-o-b. Moneys good thought and I ger to snowboard pleanty. I've decided that once all my bills are payed up I'm going to quit and work seasonale jobs around the US or where ever. For example in the winter work at Ski resorts and in the summer climbing, outdoors kinda jobs. I have a buddy that worked at a white water rafting resort. over the summer.

Are going to make out this summer. I sure hope so. I think it would awesome to take Noah climbing at Smith Rocks. He would get a kick out of it. Hannah might even try it. Well it past my bedtime. So I must bid you farwell. Tell the kids I love them and say hello. I love you Liz wish you weren't so far away.

love
Jonathan"
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Today I remembered this letter I received because when I looked at my phone bill I noticed a phone call to mom for 113:06 on Jan. 25. That was the day that I called mom frantic about Jon; worried that if anything happened to him I'd be unable to get to his side. Mom tried to pacify my fears by telling me that if anything should happen to Jon, they would get me home. After talking with her, I spent a few days trying to rationalize who was more selfish: me, for thinking Jon shouldn't do things that risked his life so much and that I was placing my feelings for him above his own feelings about himself, or him, for thinking only about what made him happy and not thinking about those who loved him and would be devastated if anything happened to him. A week later I got the call from my sister telling me about his death. And, my family (including Cindy!!!) made a deep pocket and heart-felt effort to fly me, Mark, and our three kids out to Portland on a next day flight.

Further honor goes to Mark's dad, who rented us a car for a week, my good friends; Jim and Dave, for contributing financially and Mark's work, who gave us a consolence card with donations from the heart. These contributions have helped us skate through my lack of being at work while in OR, but more importantly, they represented how others feel. That is what is amazing.

I was talking to some one in Lebanon one day while I was there and when I mentioned that I was rationalizing Jon's "death" before he actually passed away she mentioned that what happened was pre-known by God and allowed to happen. I than thought about how Liorah and Cindy didn't have any "funny" feelings that day, just thought Jon was in one of his usual funks (where he just wanted to be left alone). How neither one felt the need to rush home while they were gone. Liorah said once that the only thing she felt was, as she was leaving she felt that she should go ask Jon to the game or go say something to him, but in all the past times Jon had always brushed her off, so she decided to respect his privacy. (did I get that right Liorah?) Anyway, what I am saying is there were no warning signs in his behavior and no made remarks that set anyone on notice, and than there were no "funny" feelings either.

When I got home, one of my co-workers told me that on the day I left for PDX her brother tried to commit sucicide by hanging. However, her mom had a "funny" feeling all of a sudden at work, about her brother, and made someone go to the house, where her brother was discovered hanging in the garage. He was rescued and hospitalized for a minor coma. I guess minor means it is not deep and he will recover. Why did her mom have a feeling , while no one had one about Jon?

I'm not saying Jon's time was now, or whatnot, but seeing my long phone call to mom just made me think. Maybe I was given a hint of something to come, but because it was not a panicky feeling, but more of a contemplative one, I was just being prepared. Who is to say, who is to say? Like I've said before, many questions with no answers.

PS
One day within this last week I was thinking about one of Mario's good friends because she had told me that she was trying to get pregnant. No reason for thinking about her, since I hardly see her, but I thought, " I bet she is pregnant now, or will be very soon." And later that day, she called to tell me, "I'm pregnant!" Weird!

Today...

Mood: Better

Reason: no work today, and lots of coffee. :)