Last night I realized two things: my core, and the fact that I am screwed up. In many different ways.

This is not a self-abashing blog, this is a reflective one.

Last night I was left alone to consider the fact that I would be a single mom working a minimual paying job. I was also left to face the fact that my character was going to be placed on the stage for all to judge, and the verdict would be suspicious. I was left to contemplate going through the process of court to fight for the kids I love, and could I fight? I love them too much to make them choose, but never want them to think I walked away from them. I was left to feel like the bad judgement that I made, and face all the consequences in my mind. I was left to cry and feel my pain throughout my body-I was told that I had been held for the last time; the rejection ripped at my soul.

And than when I said, "Jon. If you felt like this...I can accept your decision. If you felt that you would rather die, than face the pain of living, than I acknowledge what you did, because I would rather put a shot gun to my head than face my future." After I said this and as I shook with agony I heard something, "You are stronger than this. You will face this, and you will go on." Than a picture formed within my mind and it resembled a tall tower that was being shook up and all the bricks were falling to the ground, but within this tower shone a bright light. And this bright light represented my "core", my essence, the spirit within my body. I than felt a strength return to me, and I felt like my soul regained its grasp. I knew I could move on.

My tears dried up, but the pressure in my head amounted to excruicating pain. My intestines felt the desire to eliminate something, but couldn't decide if it would be up or down.

Than Mark came into the room. Fearful to express any desire for his comfort, I curled into a tiny ball and squeezed my eyes tight. Slowly he moved into my form and gently grabbed my hand, I timidly accepted. And than he said, "Don't hurt me again please." I realized with complete clarity what he was saying, he was literally "laying himself on the line" and I had the power to "destroy" him. I asked him why he was doing this and he said (after much thought), "Because I can not imagine living without you." I cried.

Last night as I was accused of giving my heart to others, I replied, "I have not given my heart to anyone, not even you." Today I thought about this. I had given my heart to others at times in my life; mainly, to my two loves in HS, but since than I have always been reserved. Held in check. I have always held Mark at an arm's length, and still do. But I am willing to try to give more, and only realized this recently.

However, I am very...protective. Protective of my very personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I am afraid that I will unwilling hurt Mark.

I write these blogs not for any stranger on the net, but for my family. To share my thoughts and life with them. If my blogs seem personal, it is because I am communicating to my loved ones in the PNW. Those who have known me for all my life, or for all of theirs (I love you).