Trust-a delicate flower
It is easy to assume that someone will believe you, or in you. Because you believe yourself, or in yourself. It comes as feeling of panic, and anger, when you realize that they don't, or won't.
I want to lay prostrate across the path of my beloved and cry out my heart's emotion, but I find my pride, and fear of being 100% vunerable, is in the way.
I want to stand and fight the disbelief, but yet I realize that if I fight and when this battle-I'll be fighting many future battles over the same thing. That my life will be miserable as I try to convince another of the truth. That I may have lost what I valued, and if I got some of it back, it would never be the same.
I imagine how I would feel, and realize the truth in what they say. I realize how delicate trust is and easy it is to be destroyed. One does not have to destroy it by committing one unforgivable act, but by chipping at trust on tiny insignificant mistruths. Than on the day that the other believes an unforgivable, you have no solid foundation to stand on. You've chipped away at the base slowly enough with little "insignificant" ones that you find it has crumbled when you place the weight of your character upon it.
It is wrenching when you realize that you'd sacrifice anything (any friend) to remain, but maybe the conveyance is too little too late. Now it seems like a pathetic attempt. It hurts when you know that within yourself you have changed-you have grown, you have stopped fighting, you are willing to accept, but you realize that you never said that. That you quietly grew, you quietly stopped fighting, and you just accepted without saying out loud to those that it mattered-"I accept." "I do."
This is just the beginning, where will it end? Where will I be when it ends? How much pain can a human spirit endure?
I love you!
posted by liveasyouchoose @ 12:16 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Hi – this is Mark……I just want to reply to this blog by saying "trust" is not gained by words said, actions done, or with a magic wand. Trust is formed over time and nurtured. Once the soil of trust is tainted the growth is slow and trust needs to be nurtured and supplied with the key elements that form trust; honesty, integrity, respect, and loyalty.
My soil has been tainted with the inability to trust due to having my heart broken time and time again by you and from previous relationships I have been in. I want to trust you, but your continual river of dishonesty and deceit rarely allows me the chance to. It seems that you learned at a young age that lying may indeed cover up the immediate repercussions of an inappropriate action, yet long term when the lie is exposed the repercussions are multiplied. And when the lie is exposed, any trust that was growing is tilled under like a hailed out crop. Once I lose trust I am very pessimistic about the next season of trust since time and time again I seem eternally doomed by bad weather.
At some point in my life I put up a shield to protect my heart, vowing to myself that I would not allow it to be broken again. Yet the past eight years you have defeated my armor and slowly over time you have sliced thinly away at my heart like a slab of prime rib. In the past, my heart was broken quickly, as if it was run through a blender. Honestly, the slow consistent pain aches more than the quick excruciating pain caused by the blender.
Please help me trust? Please do not push me away with lies, deceit, and desire for friendships that cause me to be suspicious and lose my ability and desire to trust you? Please accept me in your heart the same way I have accepted you? I do not want this marriage to end but I am sorry, my soil is running low on nutrients to grow….and I don’t know how much longer I want to be a farmer.
way to go Mark for being honest, i hope that you guys are able to find some source of life in your situation and truly appreciate the love not yet lost.
Mark, I accept what you say. I am sorry for not being able to let some friendships go.
I had learned something long ago, and it seems I forgot it, but rediscovered it recently, and that is this: we are farmers. We will always reap what we sow.
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