The following is a blog post written by some guy, Longbrake.com. I found it on my wanderings today, my mindless brain-numbing wanderings. My lack of purpose or direction activity that eases my mind and prevents me from cleaning my house...yes, it is a waste of time. Anyway, read and tell me what you think. For me, it was very insightful and slightly calming to my spirit. Dad, here is another "nudge". ;-)

I've put in color the particulary revelant parts, in my mind's eye.

Love you!
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2.11.2006

restored
Grieving is difficult. There are moments in life that seemingly take over everything inside of you and you almost lose control of your emotions. Have you had any times in your life like this? Have you ever been hit with something so terrible and so painful that the only way you could stand was because someone else was holding you up? And then if you're anything like me you become so self-conscious when you cry because you don't want anyone to see that you are in a state of weakness.It's difficult because it is vulnerable, and vulnerability takes tremendous amounts of trust. And the real problem is the fact that so many times the moment of grief comes because trust was abandoned. A father leaves his family. A boy breaks the heart of a girl. And in other cases there are moments of abandonment that are not by choice but are very real, such as death. When someone dies there is this feeling as though you are left out to dry, and it wasn't even their fault. So then you wonder is God abandoning me? Where is His unfailing love?

There was this very surreal time in my life when I was 12, and at that same time a few of my friends were going through almost the exact same thing that I was going through. One of my friend's father left his family for another woman. Two other friends had their father die and still another friend's father died all around the same time. It was unbelievable. I remember wondering what good could ever come of such a time. But in a way it was so healing because we could all grieve together. It was a comfort to know that there were other people thinking the same thoughts and having the same emotions. We would get together and unload all of our emotions and we would cry and cry and cry. I wonder if God had some of these events happen at approximately the same time so that we could go through them together.There was beautiful release in all of it. I really can't explain it to you, but it was healing. My soul felt healed. I left those times thinking that I was going to make it. That I was going to be ok.

The story of Lazarus has been brought to my attention in a new way in the last two days. I was watching a short film in the Nooma series called 'Matthew'. The film deals with the sort of thing I've been writing about, and honestly the sort of thing I've been wrestling with deep inside for the past 10 years. Right in the middle of it my friend Matthew calls me and without any prompting from me asks how I've been doing lately in regards to dealing with the fact that I've had trouble grieving about some things from my past. It was unreal the way he called right in the middle of the whole thing. Matthew is a friend that, in a way, heals me. Restores me. He is so faithful to see how I'm doing concerning the things that matter the most to me, even if they took place as long as 10 years ago. He asks me hard questions that I don't want to answer because my answers show such weakness, but he knows I need to talk about them and he does it with incredible gentleness and patience. Matthew sees right through me. He brings truth into my life that I am blind to. For instance, I have a hard time letting others in on my problems and my emotions because I have this fear of burdening others. I remember going through the pain of my mothers death and thinking to myself if this is so hard why whould I want to bother other people with it? Not healthy, I know, but it's how I feel. Matthew sees through this and brings it out of me so I can deal with it. It's amazing how he knows what's going on in my mind.Then after Matthew and I ended our conversation I resumed the DVD.Rob Bell starts talking about John 11 where Jesus' friend Lazarus dies. After a few days Jesus goes to Lazarus' village where he meets with family and friends of Lazarus who are deep in mourning over the loss of their friends. And then John pens these two eloquent words that ring deep within me:Jesus wept.I find such freedom in these words. Bell says something to the affect of 'if the Son of God needs to let it out, then maybe we need to as well.' I don't think that Jesus was feeling any sort of weakness when He grieved over the loss of His friend. I don't think that the self-conscious thoughts that I have when I cry entered His mind when He cried.I have been learning that whatever I was feeling, it was ok.

Whatever I am feeling is ok. Questions. Anger. Despair. Frustration. Helplessness. All of these things are ok, but I can't let them take over who I am. I have been trying with great honesty to tell God what I am feeling. I tell Him as though He's sitting in the car seat next to me asking me what I'm thinking. I tell Him as though He's grieving with me, right there by my side. I think He wants this honesty. I don't think He wants me to candy coat my emotions so that I appear stronger than I am. It's at these times that His words come to my mind, that in my weakness He is strong. I believe with all of my soul that He sits there right beside me going through it all with me. I remember times when I was crying wondering if He was there with His arms around me, because I felt that He was, if you can believe it.I don't know where you've been. I don't know if you lost someone you loved, if you were ever betrayed or abandoned, or if trust was broken. But I do know that He wants to grieve with you. He wants you to be weak so He can be strong. I believe He wants to sit there with you in your tears in just the same way He's sat with me in mine and in the same way He sat with Lazarus' family. I am only learning now what it means to be restored by Him, and it's 10 years after the fact. But all that's to say that it doesn't matter if you hurt 10 years ago or 10 days ago,...He wants to sit with you.