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I write this blog, not to upset anyone, but to straighten out a misconception amongst some siblings.

I have been told that I am perceived by others as selfish and envious of what some of you are being given, in opprotunity, compared to what I experienced as a teenager.

Please allow me to speak to you. I am not envious. My opinion(s) come from concern for the welfare of the family, and what this school is costing in terms of relationships and finance. I understand the motivation behind the choice, and I understand that it is filled with genuine love, desire for your best future, and sacrifice. I desire the same for my children, in their own time, and in fact...that is part of my motivation to get a Masters'. I understand that financially things are better and that this allows for you to have opprotunities that us older ones did not have, and for that I am grateful. I honestly (HONESTLY) want the best for you.

So, where does my disagreement come from? It comes mainly from the facts of mathmatics, economics, and stress. Let me elaborate: to attend a school that costs more per year than is made by one person's yearly income does not balance mathmatically (when the numbers are calucated the result equals a negative number, is that good?); the economics of the household become a tightly stretched rope with some strands even breaking, while others are fraying; and the stress of trying to find the financial resources to provide the monthly payments and to find the necessary assistance becomes a strain on the responsible individual(s) and their relationships with others as they become anxious, short-tempered, depressed, tired, and fatigued. It also stresses you who attend the school because now you feel a committment to attend, and succeed; which part of you wants because you can see the wonderful options the school provides academically and socially, but also because you realize what sacrifice and committment someone else has made for you (this I am simply assuming, but base some on what I have heard in tiny bits).

I imagine that there are many wonderful options available, and not all would cost as much. It may not be as wonderful as Midland, but it would still be better than LHS, and cost less. It may not be as prestigous as Midland, but it could offer similiar academic success. Fact is, our family is never going to be financially capable of pursuing the grand academic careers that some in high/upper middle class might be able to. Whatever we want we will have to work hard for, and go into debt for, but when we arrive on the other side-we will have a deep, and earned, appreciation for what we learned. I have learned that you must dream and pursue that dream, but you must also acknowledge the reality of your situation. For example, I could apply to UM, but it costs $385/credit hr. or I could apply to OSU (online) at $185/credit hr. Online has its restrictions and it may hinder my ultimate goal a bit, but I realize that in the end...I pay back every penny I borrow, and how much debt do I want at the end? So, I work with what I got.

Boundaries. When you look at what it takes to attend this school, does it respect other people's boundaries?

Essentially, I want the absolute best for my siblings. At all (affordable:spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental) cost. I would give whatever I could to help. I love you all and would willing offer you what resource(s) I had available. However, I would only be able to offer you what is there within the structure of my own family, finances, and personal ability. It is probably not enough, but it is from my genuine heart. I love you.

My opinions on Midland may upset you, and I am sorry. I really am. Please understand that I am caught in a conflicting place; I want the best for you, but I also am bothered by what it costs (in all aspects) to give it to you. Realize please that since I do not live at home, the finance part does not affect me and therefore I can not be envious that so much goes into your schooling, but I am worried about what I see in terms of stress, and what I can imagine for the future in terms of relationships and finances. I want it to all be balanced. Simply spoken, and honestly, I just want it to be balanced for mom and dad. I am not referring to what you have vs what I had or liorah had, or marion had, etc., but what is right now. I want peace in mom and dad's life and it worries me when I see so much of their life right now an internal struggle and an external struggle. That is it: plain, simple, and honest.

I love you.