Life in a quick summary

Well, I know that some of you have been wondering how things have been going. Not too bad if I must confess. Oh, yes there are those moments that seem grey and uncertain, but I try not to focus on them too much. Oh yes, sometimes it seems that there are too many things to do, and too many things to take care before everything just falls into a pile of shit, but overall things are going alright.

I have little things turn into big things because I didn't take care of them earlier, but other than that...what more can I say? (*smile*)

Kids have been good. They got a really neat surprise from their dad, it was a box filled with goodies and Dakota Kid sunflower seeds. Getting something from dad was just the best. I about cried too because it has to be so hard to feel like the only way to communicate with a child you love is to send a box of goodies when you'd rather give them a hug or kiss. When you'd rather be around them and get the spontaneous attention and conversations than maybe have a talk over a phone that gets iffy reception.

Anyway. The weekend last was good fun. The mountain was gentle and the people I was with were great. I hope I get invited next year too. (hint lee! lol) Bachelor has become my favorite mountain because of the diversity of runs and the snow. Plus, they have this awesome inner-tube run that I think the kids will absolutely enjoy, it also has a lift that will drag you and the tube back up to the top. (Sweet!)

Other news? Not too much to say. So I guess I will leave you with this pic that is just the cutest. Good thing that renovating the hallway was already in the plans, don't you think?


The wallpaper is some old fabric-like material that apparently the dog discovered can be removed string by string


Do you think she had fun?


How much do you think she should be paid? Hourly or by minute??

Mount Bachelor Trip

A sibling shot...


This is what the mtn had for snow; sweet and soft


Aaron all decked out in his smart snow gear...


Cindy lookin like a snow terrorist...lol


Lee giving a good exclamation of what fun we had...


How well do I snowboard, you ask? This pic says it all...like a dumb-ass. :)


See? I should be flying down this!!


Nothing like kicking a ball around after a day on board...


Or, playing snow-wrestling...


This is the weekend group. (minus me of course)


This is what the pass looked like, and the driving wasn't too bad either. But than again, how fast can one go on a sheet of ice, and a 4WD TRUCK that drives slower than a sedan in front of you?!

"you talk too much..." "You think too much..."

Yep. I do. And why, I wonder, is that? Am I trying to fill silence with chatter because I'm afraid of social-silence? Problem is, I tend to expell too much info...lol

Yes, again I do. Again, why? But here is the oxy...by wondering why I think too much...I am thinking too much!! And when I think I tend to talk; than expell too much info...lol.

Will I ever win the battle with my tongue?! :) Just the other day I bit it off...but someone offered superglue...darn it!...it was probably better bitten off... :) lol (People who 'can't' talk make better listeners, and therefore probably learn more about others.)

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Went for a hike Sat. God, it was good to get out! It felt great trekking up the trail, feeling the burn in my quads when I hit those stupid high stairs built into the hillside, feeling my lungs strain for oxygen (that didn't take much effort!), feeling the freshness of the air against my skin, breathing the fragance of dirt, fresh spring water, trees, etc. Later I'll post some pics...

Friday evening late I joined some people in PDX at Kell's Irish Pub in downtown and just had a GREAT time. I was laughing at the antics of a funny funny guy in the group. Here's a story for you: He had brought some women over to the table because it was his friend's "birthday" (it is always someone's birthday apparently) and they stayed for a bit...one of them I really liked, she was smart and witty...but than they had to "go to the bathroom" (i think this is code for "we're leaving and not coming back"). Little bit later the funny guy sees them hanging somewhere in the bar so he goes to bring them back, and after his failed attempts he decides to give them a little present for their rejection...he farts and leaves. I asked him what number the 'raunchy' fell on a scale of 1-10, he said an 8. (lol) Another funny he did was get some women for the table of two guys next to us. He brings over these "not too attractive" women and introduces them to us (the weird one gave me a kiss and said, "I gave you a kiss because i knew you weren't a guy. WTF??). The weird one just gets touchy with the one of the guys at the table (aka the body builder) and he kind of brushes her off. Apparently she asked if he had any crack...Not too much later the girl comes back! This time she sits on his lap, leans/rubs into him, whispers in his ear and he is like trying to ignore her. She gets offended and says, 'You don't like me because I'm fat." His reply, "No. It's because you're a f... drug-addict. Do i look like I use drugs?! I'm a body-builder!" She leaves. He stands up all ruffled like a pissed rooster and is going off on us about the whole situation...we just say, "yeh, that sucks..." You know what I think, I think funny guy did that on purpose! ...lol

Oh! Forgot to mention the biggest news of the weekend. I resigned effective Friday. When I started to cry because I didn't want to work with my boss anymore and it frustrated me that I couldn't see how I'd do my job otherwise...I realized that it was time to leave the situation. Yes, I was feeling that uncomfortable...I'm more willing to take a risk looking for employment in PDX for the next month while living off my financail aid, than deal another day with my boss. I think (hope!) that I should be able to find a job within 3 weeks. the job market is hot! If nothing else, I'll get a job making cash tips at a busy restaurant. :) But, honestly I am scared to my core about the idea of not working right now and the risks involved...this year is just going to be a year of many! firsts. ;) lol

Adios my friends.

First, Valentines day was good. I wondered if it would bother me about not having any reason to so call, "recognize" the day. But, I felt peaceful and good the entire day. And sweetly, people wished me a "happy Valentine" when it was not necessary on their part. Simple words of "Happy Valentine's day" warmed my heart and made me smile. Plus, the kids were very thoughtful and creative too.

Now, onto an expulsion of prose and thought.

Out of compassion and respect for another as a person, do I want to invite them into the chaos of my life? And yet, I desire for myself a feeling that a parent, a friend, a child, nor an acquaintance could provide. I desire to feel set apart, wanted, interested in. Basic Maslow.

I must find a balance in myself on this referred feeling, and how I want to treat others. (SuperEgo battles Id. Further details on the 11 o'clock news.)

I do acknowledge that, in part, I presume to say what another might feel or think about me and my life based from a place of fear.

I haven't had too give much thought to myself, as far as; interpretations of life from an etic p.o.v, how I make my judgments/decisions, my behavior, etc. because I've been sheltered in a relationship for so long. Now? I recognize that the smart and wise thing to do is be true to my core, my values, standards, morals, etc. and if I am accepted it is because the person knows me and likes it, but if I get rejected than that is also good because they're not true to who I am. Reminding myself of this is vital to my emotional/mental psychology if I am to be an effective parent, friend, or anything else further down the road.

Now that I am evaluating the idea of creating male friendships in order to gain a perspective of what I like in another; I've become insecure (in a sense). No. More like...nervous. Nervous that I'd compromise myself (not physically, but philosophically w/values, standards, etc.) and that I'd temporarily lose a grasp on my idea of "me" as I sought to gain a firm stance in the quicksand of "single-life".

The person mentioned before has caused me to think about this whole realm of thought, not because he has pushed boundaries, but because I am realizing that I've never been in this place before. The unknown can be a fearfully scary place. This place is, "not knowing what lies ahead, and not simply believing or having faith in who you meet." He constantly reminds me verbally, "Keep your guard up."

My definition of hell: a place where trust, love, and compassion do not exist.

Now to mention something else. My focus for the next three months is this: to settle the kids and I into housing, find a job that does not leave me feeling uncomfortable, maintain a medium-high activity level, and...throw out some of my spinning plates. Sound good??

I promise...

Well, a good friend who chewed my ass, but it felt like a warm hug of warmth and caring, got hold of me after reading the last blog and I promised her I'd look for a new job. So, I am starting on the long road of job-hunting...once I get the resume organized.

Why? You wonder, when the job seemed so 'ideal'. Because I communicated a boundary and it did not get honored for very long. And, as my friend pointed out...it is just a matter of time.

She is not the only one. I shared some with two guy-friends and their comment was, "You need to find another job." One even offered to help me with my resume, but I'm sort of embarrassed to reveal my 'standard' job history...however, he was a garbage man for 7 yrs. (lol) Well, now he is not...

I will be looking in the PDX area for jobs. There is more job-market, my sisters are near (Mario, we can start our dinner get togethers again), and more things to involve the kids in. I also really like PDX, it always feels like "home" when I am there. I do not even mind the traffic!

Also, I've started to attempt the scary world of dating. I mean, literally...scary! I am intimidated by the whole thought of it; I've been told that it is a place where you do NOT want to be completely honest, trusting, or open. But, to discuss the whole fear I have and my idea of who I want to be vs the way I should be if i start to date is too much right now. Maybe I'll do it sometime when I feel more talkative.

Honestly though, I got lucky for my first experience. I went to PDX last weekend and met someone I had talked with over the net. Apparently I totally caught him off guard and to quote him, "[His] head is spinning like a whirlwind...only felt like this one other time in 10 yrs of dating..." Which means; he is being honest with me, cautious but kind, and interested but proceeding slow, and understanding. In truth, he is giving me more advice about dating and how to proceed vs not proceed than I've ever heard before. He tells me, "Don't just trust (even me), be cautious, be guarded, be wise..." I wonder if this reverse psychology because in truth it is resulting in that I want to trust him because he is being honest...lol

Well, I best get to my job resume...lol.

PS
School is going well. What I am thinking of is this, should I quit my job now and live off the financial aid i got for a month while focusing on studies and job search, or keep working...What is your opinion??? reply.

What to I do?

Okay here it is...as I see it. I got offered this job that just seemed ideal! to the problems and stress that I was dealing with in my life. (School, childcare, kids, etc.) And, the first month was a TOTAL bomb. I was sick for about 2.5 weeks of it (literally) and chaos reigned for the remaining part of it.

Up until this week I had a real issue with my boss too. But, I spoke with him and expressed my concerns that I was inadequate for the job, hired without much forethought, and that I felt uncomfortable being around him. We talked and whew! did my stress level go away...for a time. He gave me an outline of his expectations for the month, gave me detailed (almost) description on work projects, and stopped the over-friendly chatter.

I thought that things were getting better...till tonight. I get an email from him that says my completed projects are essentially flops because I didn't do the correct thing, or did something that I didn't need to do, etc. Basically, I have wasted my time and his time this week and it pushes his goals for me back even further and he is working on a deadline for his customers. Stress is up...he is rather disappointed. He is trying to be understanding, but as he put it quite clearly, "...You have a responsibility to work..." I agree, but I feel completely like a fish-out-of-water with this job. I've been told, "Give yourself more time. Give the job more time. Once everything gets settled down and a structure established this will be perfect for you and the kids." I see what they are saying and it is the one of the two/three things that keeps me from running back to the credit union. (i really!!! would like to get hired by HP or work for CDI again but they are not hiring) Anyway.

What causes me to vex is not so much what I just talked about, but more that my boss would like to see me move into sales. I've casually mentioned this a couple of times to others, but what I have not expressed so much is that I do NOT want to move into sales. What interest do I have in selling lighting? Honestly, it is not the selling that bothers me...it is the leg work that I know I will be doing to make my sells. I remember when Mark was working for Schwan's...there is a lot of road time, and I do not want to be on the road that much. I took this job to be home more, and be able to focus on school more. Which in reality I'm staying up till the wee hours of the morn just so I can do reading, etc. I'm still behind... Anyways. I understand that my bosses' expression of moving me into sales is twofold: a) he desires to sell and move product. He is president of this company, it behooves him to get the lighting out of the warehouse and into various facilities and b) he truly believes that with their commission base I'll be able to provide for the kids and I quite adequately while on the sales team. He feels it is a better way for me to pay for myself.

I feel cornered I guess. Here I am in a job that has me feeling just as inadequate as my job as teller supervisor, but for different reasons. And, with my job at the credit union I made relationships that helped me feel like I was able to handle portions of my job well...I also had a lot of involvement in the smaller scale of management and while it tool time and energy...I figured after I was more comfortable I'd be able to pull back a bit because it wouldn't take me as long to do reports, learn how to set work boundaries, etc. But, this job is different. There are no relationships to make to cover/sustain me in my weak moments; this is, as a friend put it, a knowledge-based job vs a customer-service based job and they are not alike. My job history, aside from HP, has always been customer-service based. And even at HP I worked with great people so I was still establishing relationships that helped me/covered me during weak times.

The other part of the cornering comes from the feeling that this job is not turning out as I had hoped, and I do not know if that will change too much in the future. That is a simple 'wait-and-see' thing though.

I do like the fact that the kids can come here after school (so do they), and I like the fact that I can take Noah to piano or counseling. I like the fact that I can take them to church on Wednesday nights (which last night was the first and they all LOVED it so we are going to keep going) and that I can have the opp to do things during the day if I need too. But, right now...work expects/needs more than that and I just have to buckle down and give it til I've got it right, and don't spend hours that turn out to be useless.

It is difficult to be making decisions as a single parent. It is difficult to know that I am the single source of income (well technically because logistically my parents provide the groceries, housing, heat, etc. for them right now). Speaking of which, I got to broach that subject too with my boss. I'm not used to going up to my boss and saying, "So, when do you think I could be paid and what will you be paying me for?" I mean, does he see Jan. as a total bust and therefore i didn't earn any income? Though I spent two days travel with him and did about 12 hrs worth of work (yes, for the entire month...I told you it was chaos). But even with what ever income that would be could be used for bills. I've been doing credit cards the last week. And, I've got bills to pay and...well, that is not for you to be concerned about. Point is, I'm not comfortable asking him for my income when I feel that he should be handing me the income and than I evaluate it and decide if it was adequate (per hours) or inadequate(per hours).

Funny thing is that these are issues that come up in life and I am being given the ability to handle them; whether I handle it with grace and assertion, or with cowering meekness is up to me. I just have never imagined that I'd be in a position such as this...not feeling confident enough to approach my boss about my wages. Much less, having! to approach my boss about my wages.

Don't worry folks. It'll all work out. And, aside from that frustrating part of life there is this: Financial aid covered winter term. I'm sort of beginning to branch out a little socially and have been laughing my head off with some very funny people (no! I'm not dating nor am I engaging...just! conversations). The kids are doing well. I'm starting to reach out again to my girl friends...well trying, I've been neglectful lately. I made it through Tuesday (feb6)! and I'm still breathing and can still laugh...i am standing in the rain!

PS.
Tuesday was a meaningful day because on Tuesday of last year Mark, the kids, and I flew into PDX. We saw Jon that day, and it was the day of our anniversary last year. Just the memory of tuesday being an emotionally heavy day last year was causing me agitation. So...I went to the gym for almost 2 hrs. :)-lol
Feb 7th...that was not so bad, nor Feb 5th...just Feb 6th.

Songs say it best sometimes...

Beauty from Pain - Superchicks

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Can I be honest?

I don't want to work this job anymore. I want to go back to the credit union. For various reasons I'll save you from, but I just wish I could go back to the stability/safety of the credit union.

However, I won't. The kids need more of me than what I gave while working the credit union, and my relationship with them has been less stressful since I took this job. I'm able to be there for Hannah more, be there for Natalie, and take Noah to his piano lessons or his counselor. The time we spend while driving is good for us; we talk, listen to music, or simply hold hands. Tonight we were asking each other, "If you could have one wish, what would it be?" Interesting results, and funny too. :) On a side note here, when I asked Noah what he would wish he said that he would want all our problems to go away. I asked him to define "problems", expecting him to say something about Mark and I, and he didn't. I confessed to him that I was surprised that he didn't say that he'd wish for Mark and I to be together again, and he said, "Well, I've been kind of thinking that maybe it is better for you to not be together. I mean, I wish that dad could be close so that I could see him, but if you fight when you're together it is probably better that you just remain as friends." My mental response? Wow! Counseling is sure helping him feel better about things!

Okay, on to other things. School is...a spinning hamster wheel. Since I screwed last term up I have to pay for this semester and than I get a letter from the financial aid office telling me that since I have withdrawn from OSU I need to pay back the aid I got, but didn't need for school since I withdrew. Problem. I'm still in school. So, I got to figure that out. This semester has just been a financial headache.

Other headaches. I got a letter from the lawyer. Since Mark didn't sign the "Petition for Unlimited Separation" we (the lawyer that is) must now file a "Judgment for Unlimited Separation" which will than make us OFFICIALLY separated by Judge's order. After that we (mark and I) must wait at least 30 days before the lawyer can file for a "Motion and Order to Show Cause" and once that has been filed the lawyer can file a "Judgment of Dissolution". I laughed when the lawyer informed me that technically I am still married until the "Judgment of Dissolution" has been filed, and should I want to get remarried before that we can take a different tact. Yeh! Like I've even been dating much less corresponding with any guy as more than a friend. (hehehehe, I'm laughing so hard I'd holding my gut) But, you want to know what makes me groan even more so, my trust income for the lawyer has about dried up and he is a whooping $195/hr. Hmmm, maybe I need to go into the profession of lawyer...oh wait! Counselors can make that much too...never mind. :) (lol)

On a happier note, I've been officially invited to attend a "Ladies Retreat" at Mt Bachelor later this month. I am so excited! And, I owe a heart-felt "THANKS!" to my sis Mario for agreeing (I did not ask but the Liorah did) to watch the kids. Mario is above and beyond one of the most flexible women I know. Whenever I get invited to go off to the mountains I call her "Ummm, would you be willing to watch the girls?" and her response has always been "Heck yeh!" I don't know if she ever wonders, "And, where is MY invite?" But, her grace makes me speechless. I promised her once that when i have a place of my own she can bring her kids over anytime for any length of time. Now, I just need to get that place! I hope I have it before her anniversary so she can drop her kids off with me and feel 100% like it is "Payment overdue, I'm collecting my fee". (lol)

Did I mention that Noah is taking piano lessons? Yep. He is and he is quite good, I mean, he picks it up quite well. For example, this last session Mr. H was complimenting him on how quickly he was learning and I chuckled to myself...Noah didn't practice for two weeks! So, now I make him practice 15 min/day because if he has that naturally ability to grasp the fundamentals of music than he could be really good with practice. Plus, he enjoys plucking away on the keys and "composing". Funny story is that last night I was trying to play a piece I'd never seen and I hit a wrong note and from across the living room I hear, "Aah, mom! That was not the right note!" Thanks Beethoven.

Guess that is all the rambling for today. Oh, I would like to mention that Natalie I noticed the other day, is getting just absolutely gorgeous as she is getting older. I'll try to find a pic that gives her justice. :)

Adios.