First, Valentines day was good. I wondered if it would bother me about not having any reason to so call, "recognize" the day. But, I felt peaceful and good the entire day. And sweetly, people wished me a "happy Valentine" when it was not necessary on their part. Simple words of "Happy Valentine's day" warmed my heart and made me smile. Plus, the kids were very thoughtful and creative too.

Now, onto an expulsion of prose and thought.

Out of compassion and respect for another as a person, do I want to invite them into the chaos of my life? And yet, I desire for myself a feeling that a parent, a friend, a child, nor an acquaintance could provide. I desire to feel set apart, wanted, interested in. Basic Maslow.

I must find a balance in myself on this referred feeling, and how I want to treat others. (SuperEgo battles Id. Further details on the 11 o'clock news.)

I do acknowledge that, in part, I presume to say what another might feel or think about me and my life based from a place of fear.

I haven't had too give much thought to myself, as far as; interpretations of life from an etic p.o.v, how I make my judgments/decisions, my behavior, etc. because I've been sheltered in a relationship for so long. Now? I recognize that the smart and wise thing to do is be true to my core, my values, standards, morals, etc. and if I am accepted it is because the person knows me and likes it, but if I get rejected than that is also good because they're not true to who I am. Reminding myself of this is vital to my emotional/mental psychology if I am to be an effective parent, friend, or anything else further down the road.

Now that I am evaluating the idea of creating male friendships in order to gain a perspective of what I like in another; I've become insecure (in a sense). No. More like...nervous. Nervous that I'd compromise myself (not physically, but philosophically w/values, standards, etc.) and that I'd temporarily lose a grasp on my idea of "me" as I sought to gain a firm stance in the quicksand of "single-life".

The person mentioned before has caused me to think about this whole realm of thought, not because he has pushed boundaries, but because I am realizing that I've never been in this place before. The unknown can be a fearfully scary place. This place is, "not knowing what lies ahead, and not simply believing or having faith in who you meet." He constantly reminds me verbally, "Keep your guard up."

My definition of hell: a place where trust, love, and compassion do not exist.

Now to mention something else. My focus for the next three months is this: to settle the kids and I into housing, find a job that does not leave me feeling uncomfortable, maintain a medium-high activity level, and...throw out some of my spinning plates. Sound good??