Housing Venting

Well, granted I have not really been on the search for long, but what I've been reading and what I saw today just dampened by heart.

Here is the scenario (as far as I can tell): I am above the line "gross income" and below the line "net income". So "gross" I do not qualify for assistance (even to help me with move in costs which are first/last(sometimes) and security), but with "net" I do. However, no program works with "net". And, then there are the costs of hooking up utilities, etc.

This bites!

Rent for a 3 bedroom is, by my investigations, going to cost a minimum of $675/month + utilities which on a salary of X/month for 4 is not entirely workable. Today I viewed a 3 bedroom MF home out in the country and while it was "perfect" it had a major odor problem! Imagine the smell of ferret urine! But, it turns out that there was a lady with chiwawas who lived there for eight years. Than we went and looked at another MF home and this one had mold issues, and dark paneling ALL over. The girls called it "scary". Both were asking for $750/month.

Reality...I strongly do not think that I can manage to afford that AND all the other expenses for living. But, I can not stay in my current situation either.

I feel...like I'd almost rather move back to ND and talk to Mark about a reconcilliation than face what lays ahead. But, I'd still ask for counseling and so, I'd still be faced with what I've got before me.

In part, I am jealous too. When Mark needed to find a place he had no problem; "Hey, I'm a single guy! Anyone need a roommate?!" Or, "How much does a studio/basement cost? What? Only $325/month?"

Also, I miss being married. It seems that when one is married, it doesn't really matter what the obstacle is because there are two people to help get the family through it. There are two people forming a coalition against the "unfairs" of the world, the "hardships", and the "pains". You seem to have someone to talk with about what is occurring in your life and that other person understands it on a personal level as well. It almost seems that through trial, tribulation, or strife there is someone who will be standing next to you.

I do have people who stand next to me. I am not ignoring them. I love them dearly, and am grateful for them in ways I could never adequately express with words. These are people who have shared with me in words their support, who have given me a listening ear, or have given me logistical support. Without them I would have fallen apart a long time ago. And with them I believe that I can keep going because they have faith in me, even when I do not have it in myself. Understanding, compassion, kindness, and love have filled my life and the lives of the kids so we can slowly gather ourselves together. It just all takes time.

I was referring to something that seems to stand alone in a relationship of commitment and that is not really found in other types of friendships, family, etc.

I know that something will come together for housing. I'm just worried about how I'll budget it. But, perhaps there is something akin to a miracle just on the horizon. :)