Life is a series of emotional ups, and downs...

What I need to learn to do is let my emotional downs express themself, so I am not pausing on my life as I wait for the down to begin the climb back up. The rest of the world does not pause with me. It keeps going. Than I try to run faster so I can catch up...

Yesterday Mark learned what he was being asked to pay for c.s. I understand his fear and being upset. What I can not seem to do is wrap my mind around the things he said. Trying is painful, hurtful, and saddening; for the kids, for me, and for him. I have no control over Mark and all I can do is wait and see what consequences I will need to deal with. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe I won't be divorced in three months...

For some unknown reason, Jon has been on my mind a lot. I feel this weight of sadness on my shoulders and I try to keep it to myself, but it doesn't work well. I find myself talking about him to people who know nothing about him, people who have never had death like that in their life. I think my Psych class also didn't help because we read/discussed suicide last week. You know, I also think it started the weekend I went to Mt B. It was the first time I had seen one of the people who was vital in helping the kids that first week of being here for Jon's service. I watched a group of people engaging in conversation and drink-talking about snowboarding, adventures, telling stories-and I realized that Jon would have been part of the group if he was here. He should have been there. How have we managed to go on? We have had to go on, but what has been our emotional cost? What has happened to how we express sorrow? How we relate to others? Are we more sensitive, or more withdrawn? Are we afraid of the depth of our sorrow, anger, and loss for words? Are we afraid to express anything that might bring what we try so hard to keep under our "rational" pillow to the top to be felt? How dysfunctional do we feel with what we see, feel, and think?

I think that the other factor in my emotional churning is Jeff. I can't explain why though. He just seems to be bringing to my mental-attention so many things I never really thought before, or had buried, or had disguised as some other thing (and he seems to uncover it for what it is). Thing is, he is not doing this intentionally, nor does he even know he is doing it. It is coming from our conversations and sometimes what I feel I keep to myself because of the questions asked above.

Other than that, I just got another job interview with a company that I worked for before we left for ND. I am excited. It is for position that I really wanted when I was originally there. It is a position that I believe I'd do well at, and I believe in what the company is doing. The company has changed quite a bit since (it was bought by another company) but I hope that the staff at the PDX office would still be some of the great staff I remember.

I'm in PDX for this week looking to get info on housing, jobs, and focus on school. I've got a lot to focus on before it ends...I also have that interview on Friday with OHSU.

I better go get started. Nice venting with you!