"You are a very strong woman to be able to handle all the stress you have created for yourself (married,3 children, work AND school). I know you want to better yourself,and your life, and the lives of your children, but at the same time, it is costing you alot of everything to get it." -a life friend

This is a quote from an e-mail that I recieved today. At first, I was offended. I created for myself?! My first reaction, in its gutless form, said, " I did not create this life! It was created for me by the situation I am in; three kids, no career, homesickness, occassional lonliness, etc." But then I paused.

Yes; I did create this stress. I do not mind the stress so much. Well, not all the time, if I am honest with myself. I deal with the stress because within me burns a fire that (or what someone called "passion" once) pushes me to keep going when things look beyond my limits. Sometimes I wonder if my "passion" will be quenched when I have achieved my goals, or if this "passion" has been given to me for a purpose that stands beyond myself. And if so, is this "passion/purpose" a benefical thing for my kids? (In the ultimate scope of things.)

I chose to push for what I see as a "better life". I chose to pursue my dreams of college. I chose to not be there for my family, in the ways that I am not. I chose to sacrifice. I hope that what I achieve will make my choices worth it, and I hope that I will not fail in my choices. I feel that I can not quit, because others are taking the consequences for my choices too, and to fail would be to fail them as well. While there are things in my life that I "did not" chose; such as, three kids, ND, or M., I have chosen to stay with them. I have chosen to take responsibility for my children, I have chosen to be married (and stay married), I have chosen to move here (and live here still), and I have chosen to deal with it all. There may be more choices up the road that affect my current place in life, as each new event presents new choices, and I better be willing to handle the consequence from whatever choice is made, or not made. I better not blame someone, or something, else for what life brings me. Yes! Life throws curve balls (lots of them sometimes), but I can always make a choice. That is my freedom; and my bondage.

Don't you agree?

"For the human who must act, action must be preceded by conscious choice (the distinction between conscious and unconscious choice is one of the vital points of Objectivist ethics). First, the human must choose to continue to exist. Then the human must choose the manner in which to pursue that end. At every event, and in response to every stimulus, the human must choose, and each and every one of those choices must be consciously made. That is, unlike the animal, the human will inevitably be faced with alternatives but will not be provided with any automatic responses" -House of Atreides (on Objectivism)