Winds of Change

It has been nice going to a counselor. Its' been theraputic. My thoughts seem to be more clear; I can focus on reading, and my thinking doesn't seem to dash off into some black abyss whenever I feel like it is a "deep" thought on something (anything). I've been able to pick up the book, "The Dance of Connection" again. I hate underlining books because I do not want anyone else seeing what meant something to me if they were to later pick up the book, but I am underlining in pencil. Just for reminders. :)

I have a sense that this year will be a year of change. I kind of felt that when it started, but then when Jon took his life and with the things that occurred since: I just felt a cosmic confirmation. I think that I have been doing some internal changes in the last three years, and now some are ripe enough to pick. I just have to have strength to voice myself. Am I strong enough? That is the million dollar question. And, the second million dollar question is, what will happen? I am afraid. Honestly, afraid. I have been rejected before for being my own voice, and while I have given it more over the last three years; I have not been bold enough to say more than a little bit. I admire those women who can look at life and say, "This is me.", but I have never been able to do with it complete confidence or lack of fear. I suppose part of what is admirable about these women is that they have fear, and still say, "This is me."

Maybe this is part of the magic of being '30'. I am not there yet, but maybe this is the beginning of the labor pains. A very long labor. And '30' will be the crowning, and delivery.

I feel something moving deep within me and it scares me, and it excites me. What could it be? Will I be a moth, or a butterfly?

I smell the "Winds of Change.".