Today: tired. I worked 13.33 hrs yesterday straight-no lunch, no break. Well, yes I had a 15 min. break while I ran to Starbucks to get a much needed espresso, but other than that...straight through. I'm not complaining, it just happened because of inadequate staff and I am now managment so it should be that I give an extra little bit. But, today I am tired and want to do nothing.

I do not expect things to be better for awhile. On Friday one of the management team sprained his ankle and has been told to stay off his foot for a week. Don't worry; he'll stay off it. I imagine that he'll gladly be spending time with his girlfriend, playing video games, and doing whatever else. He has spoken with me about his deep desire to leave G.M and so I believe that he is not holding any guilt about being home-as told to do so by the doc.

Me? I'd feel guilt that other people have to step up and do more because I'm not there. I'd take a couple of days off and than I'd get my ass back to work. I hate thinking of other people suffering because they have to do their job plus mine. So, this week...I am probably going to be working 7 days. I have to find child care coverage for Mon./Wed. evening first though because those are M.'s softball nights.

You know, I got pissed last night. To the point of tears. I had a table of four teenagers who left crap for tip. I had been working 10+ hrs by this time and had seven tables (which is not that much) spread throughout the restaurant. So there was a lot of running around. I knew that this table was having crap for "times" (i.e greet time, bread time, re-fill drink time, check time), but I did not ignore them and made sure to walk by their table enough times to evaluate them on how they were doing, and to let them see that I was watching out for them. Every time I approached the table I got a total look of "whatever"(includes rolling of eyes) from the two girls. Who by the way looked like snobs. When I'd ask a question the girls would either avoid the question, or would just answer in sharp one constonant sounds. (WTF did I do to them?!) Anyway. I eventually preceived that one of the girls was not going to be eating anymore, and so I politely asked if they were in the mood to share a dessert between them all and when the answer was 'no' I asked how they wanted the check (together or separate?). Again, the eyes rolled. I was frankly too busy to regard this not-so-subtle attitude, and if I was to personally take every 'vibe' I got from a table, I'd have been suffering from poor self image a LOOONG time ago. I gave one of the couples change for a $100, which was about $74, and thanked them both for visiting and wished them a lovely evening. When all my tables but three were gone and cleared I picked up the checks and proceeded to pay them out. **JAWS theme music here** For the check that was given over $74 change...nothing. For the check that was paid by check...$2. But the worst...there were two pennies put into the visa card holder.

In case you didn't know...NEVER, EVER give your server pennies. (Unless it is for exact change, and there is additional bill(s) for a tip.) A penny is an insult, it is the equivalent to actually telling them verbally that they were absolutely the worst and that you wish that they would fall off the face of the Earth. That they should clean toilets with the mentally challenged vs. serving. I got mad! I turned towards our host for the evening who is of the same age group and just laid into him (Elizabeth-style). I made sure to tell him that I was venting not at him, but at his age group and once he acknowledged that he understood that...I started raving.

I told him that maybe his age group should find themselves jobs that actually required work and customer service. And, that maybe they shouldn't be so damn judgemental! Just because I am not young (I'm at least 12 yrs older!), cute, flirty, handsome, hilarious, or beautiful; does not mean that they can be so damn rude and withholding. That maybe they should get a job as a server and see what running for seven tables is like when they are spread throughout the restaurant, and that maybe they should see what working 10+ hours on your feet is like, and that maybe they should get their lazy asses off the damn seat!

Lucky for me, the host was perfectly understanding. I never stand around and talk for long. I am always looking for something to do, even it is not for me or my tables, and he sees that. So, I think he understood my frustration very well.

I do not mind waiting, and I do not mind customer service. I just do not like those that make judgements w/o knowledge and w/o an attempt at understanding.

____________________________________________

On another note, I heard that one of my sis's is having a very difficult time right now. Not really feeling comfortable with her emotions and/or not sure what to do with them. To you I say:

I love you. I wish that we may always be more than close. That nothing will ever come between us. I will always be here for you, and I will listen with love. Wherever you go or I go, you will be in my heart, and my hand will be in your hand. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.

This time is difficult because there are so many questions and so many intense emotions. That is okay. That is okay. No one expects you to know what to do with yours, but whatever you do...we want it to be healthy and expressive. I wish that I could be there to sit by your side, or to just run my fingers through your hair while you lie in bed at noon. I wish that I could be there to jump on you when I think that it is time for you to get your lazy ass out of bed, but if I can't be there in person...I am definitely there in heart.

Take the time to find your own expression; and let it be something that you create. Not something that someone else taught you on how to react. You are than expressing your voice through someone else's. But be healthy about it. Because when you express your voice in a healthy way; whether through song, poem, art, or physical activity-you can be heard by other's in a way that makes them take notice in a postive way. They will choose to encourage you and will help you nurture your voice, but if you do it in a way that is destructive and negative to you and others, they will try to change you, and/or will not listen.

You are a powerful and wonderful person. You are deeply and passionately loved. And, those that love you only want to hear your voice. If your voice is pain, let it be pain and express it in a healthy way. If you do not know how:ask. If your voice is love, let it be love and dance in the throes of your heart. If your voice is joy, let it be joy and shout it out.

You are an amzing person who is fearfully and wonderfully made. Alleluia!

Amen.

Remember Duey? Dewy?

He is still here. Kids' love him, and he seems to love the kids. He jumps, but lately he has calmed down quite a bit and is more interested in just being petted. He nevers leaves the chain.

I began to notice in the last couple of days that his ribs were showing through his coat, he was lethargic, and that he just lied around all the time. I never see the lady who lives in the house to ask her about the dog, and whenever he came to me he seemed to be sniffing as if looking for something. So, yesterday I went to the animal store and bought a small bag of food, some dog treats, and a chew bone (he is still puppy-ish). I just want to feed him for a week and see if his demeanor improves, maybe he is hungry.

After we feed him yesterday (which he inhaled!) his attitude already seems improved. He is not lying around when we come out, but is waving his tail eager for a pat on the head and has started to jump again (dumb dog! :) ) Hannah has enthusiastically taken on the job of feeding him and giving him fresh water. There is a dog park on the North side, and she wants to ask if we can take him there some day.

However, M. has strong feelings about the dog. Not against the dog, as much as the idea of 'us' taking responsibility for the dog. He correctly said that I crossed a boundary when I bought the food and that the proper thing to do is call the animal control or the police. Me? I understand how I crossed a boundary, but I also see what joy Duey brings to the kids and what joy the kids bring to Duey. I also can not stand seeing a dog go hungry.

I want to talk to the neighbor and find out what I can about her plans for the dog. As far as I know, they are just keeping the dog until they can find a home for it because no one has time, room, nor money to keep it. We can not have Duey because it is against our lease, but it would be nice to see Duey go to a good home with loving kids and a big yard. He is a malamute, and when Lee had one, that dog loved to run in the wide open spaces. (Wasn't Jon the only male that Jack liked?)

Adios.

"Fade to Black"-Metallica

I have longed loved the music of Metallica; I enjoy their lyrics and some of their sound. But today I was listening to my music folder and a song's lyrics kind of merged into my mind with a new understanding. As I listened I began to understand them for the first time, and I thought of Jon. I looked up the lyrics and found a website that gave the history to the song as well.

I think Jon found his heart's peace in nature, but like the seasons of Summer-Spring it had its' moments of apparent death. But only for a time; spring was always on the horizion. However, this time he remembered too many winters.

"Fade to Black"

Good Morning, Good Day, and Good Evening.

(who is the famous TV person (either news or talk show) that used to say that?)

Anyway. Yesterday the kids' and I , plus one, went for a drive. Note to self: keep young kids as far away from the driver's seat as possible in a car. Noise levels raise themselves to obnoxious decibels! But they all had fun.

I taught them how to play the 'Alphabet Game' on the way home and we played 'I spy'. Playing the 'Alphabet Game' is just not as much fun on Hwy.83 in ND as it is on I-5 in OR/WA, because there are not enough signs, cars, and other things to grab the letters from. Plus, how can you have competitive fun when there is nothing to see?? So, we helped each other instead and the game became... "Can we find the entire alphabet before we get back to B.?" We did it! (Barely *lol)

So, after I got off work (+2 hrs) we went and got Noah's friend, C. and drove to Cross Ranch. We saw buffalo (far away darn it!), wild ducks, deer, and ticks. (I hate ticks!) But besides freaking Noah out with the whole tick thing, we had a good time. Despite the cold temp. and wind. I promised I'd take them back when the weather is warmer, but in the next breathe I told them that if we found two ticks on us in the cold weather, we'd be certain to find a lot more in warmer weather. ( I hate ticks!)

We walked through some trees and found lots of beaver markings (which the boys' thought was ... "awesome"), and I taught them how to look for deer trails and walk on them through the brush. They did pretty good, but when they lost it they wandered in circles like sniffing dogs. When they would find it though they would make such an exclaimation- like howling hounds! *lol

We had an interesting conversation when we started off and I was I was telling the kids that on days like yesterday, I used to pack my fishing rod and drive up into the mountains (Quartzville) to fish. And, I'd listen to the very same CD that we were listening too. My two oldest were quiet for a moment and than said, "Mom. I (we) didn't know that you fish." I said, "Well, I used to fish quite a bit before I married your dad." Their reply, "How come you don't fish now?"
Good question kids.

Here are some pics of the trip to Cross.










Love you All!

Winds of Change

It has been nice going to a counselor. Its' been theraputic. My thoughts seem to be more clear; I can focus on reading, and my thinking doesn't seem to dash off into some black abyss whenever I feel like it is a "deep" thought on something (anything). I've been able to pick up the book, "The Dance of Connection" again. I hate underlining books because I do not want anyone else seeing what meant something to me if they were to later pick up the book, but I am underlining in pencil. Just for reminders. :)

I have a sense that this year will be a year of change. I kind of felt that when it started, but then when Jon took his life and with the things that occurred since: I just felt a cosmic confirmation. I think that I have been doing some internal changes in the last three years, and now some are ripe enough to pick. I just have to have strength to voice myself. Am I strong enough? That is the million dollar question. And, the second million dollar question is, what will happen? I am afraid. Honestly, afraid. I have been rejected before for being my own voice, and while I have given it more over the last three years; I have not been bold enough to say more than a little bit. I admire those women who can look at life and say, "This is me.", but I have never been able to do with it complete confidence or lack of fear. I suppose part of what is admirable about these women is that they have fear, and still say, "This is me."

Maybe this is part of the magic of being '30'. I am not there yet, but maybe this is the beginning of the labor pains. A very long labor. And '30' will be the crowning, and delivery.

I feel something moving deep within me and it scares me, and it excites me. What could it be? Will I be a moth, or a butterfly?

I smell the "Winds of Change.".

I did a lot of thinking after I wrote yesterday's post. I did a lot of thinking before I wrote it, but I did a lot more after it too.

I do not know why I am concerned so much with mom and dad's choices or "business". I do not know why I am so anxious to see the family remain harmonious, loving, and at peace with everyone's life. I think it boils down to the whole, "I hate conflict thing" which I even had as a child. And, that I want those I love to be happy.

But, this is what I realized and think I have known for quite a while...it is simply not my affair. So what if mom and dad struggle? So what if they can not afford things because they choose to send CJ and Sarah to a prestigous boarding school? So what if their choices cause continual conflict in their relationship? So what if mom's decisions affect others? So what? *I do not mean it in a callused way.

I love mom and dad immensely. I'd do whatever I could to represent my love to them. But, I can not worry about what their choices do. It is not my affair. I am not asked advice, I am not asked whether I feel if it is a 'ya' or 'nay' to what they want to do, and therefore...who am I to say anything? I think in the openess of relationship I have the ability to express concern, but beyond that...it is the business of my parents to take care of their decisions. My opinions, expressed more than once or twice, can only cause tension in our relationship as parent/child. They certainly did not ask my opinion when I was growing up on how they should handle us kids, and why should I now treat their decisions like I was a part of the decision process? That is not right of me, and furthermore, it crosses the boundary of parent/child.

I hope that I am now considered a friend to my parents as much as a daughter, but there will always be a respect I must offer to my parents as they are my parents. I must remind myself that while their decisions may bother me, hurt me, or not make sense to me; I would not want someone coming into my life giving continual feedback on what they thought I should, or should not, do. I must treat them as I would want another to treat me. An opinion expressed in the appropriate time , or situation, is okay, but when spoken out of context, it is not very respectful of another person's right to make their own decisions.

I can love my family with all my heart and soul; and I can also let go of my thoughts which would cause me to harbor any form of judgement on them too.

I want my family to find enjoyment in my presence and in my conversation; not condemnation, judgement, or negativity. I can, and will, express my thoughts when given permission, but I must learn to not let whatever those thoughts may be negatively affect my relationships. In our love for each other we speak open and candid because we trust and value each other, and find a sense of security, even in our vunerabilities to one another. I must understand that openess of myself to my family is cherished and sought for, but even in that I must learn discretion in the time and place that I can be vunerable with thought, opinion, and action. My family wants me to be myself, as I want them to be themselves, and yet we are each individuals with our own sense of boundaries.

"Family life is full of major and minor crises - the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce - and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul. "

-Thomas More

Click to learn more about Midland

I write this blog, not to upset anyone, but to straighten out a misconception amongst some siblings.

I have been told that I am perceived by others as selfish and envious of what some of you are being given, in opprotunity, compared to what I experienced as a teenager.

Please allow me to speak to you. I am not envious. My opinion(s) come from concern for the welfare of the family, and what this school is costing in terms of relationships and finance. I understand the motivation behind the choice, and I understand that it is filled with genuine love, desire for your best future, and sacrifice. I desire the same for my children, in their own time, and in fact...that is part of my motivation to get a Masters'. I understand that financially things are better and that this allows for you to have opprotunities that us older ones did not have, and for that I am grateful. I honestly (HONESTLY) want the best for you.

So, where does my disagreement come from? It comes mainly from the facts of mathmatics, economics, and stress. Let me elaborate: to attend a school that costs more per year than is made by one person's yearly income does not balance mathmatically (when the numbers are calucated the result equals a negative number, is that good?); the economics of the household become a tightly stretched rope with some strands even breaking, while others are fraying; and the stress of trying to find the financial resources to provide the monthly payments and to find the necessary assistance becomes a strain on the responsible individual(s) and their relationships with others as they become anxious, short-tempered, depressed, tired, and fatigued. It also stresses you who attend the school because now you feel a committment to attend, and succeed; which part of you wants because you can see the wonderful options the school provides academically and socially, but also because you realize what sacrifice and committment someone else has made for you (this I am simply assuming, but base some on what I have heard in tiny bits).

I imagine that there are many wonderful options available, and not all would cost as much. It may not be as wonderful as Midland, but it would still be better than LHS, and cost less. It may not be as prestigous as Midland, but it could offer similiar academic success. Fact is, our family is never going to be financially capable of pursuing the grand academic careers that some in high/upper middle class might be able to. Whatever we want we will have to work hard for, and go into debt for, but when we arrive on the other side-we will have a deep, and earned, appreciation for what we learned. I have learned that you must dream and pursue that dream, but you must also acknowledge the reality of your situation. For example, I could apply to UM, but it costs $385/credit hr. or I could apply to OSU (online) at $185/credit hr. Online has its restrictions and it may hinder my ultimate goal a bit, but I realize that in the end...I pay back every penny I borrow, and how much debt do I want at the end? So, I work with what I got.

Boundaries. When you look at what it takes to attend this school, does it respect other people's boundaries?

Essentially, I want the absolute best for my siblings. At all (affordable:spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental) cost. I would give whatever I could to help. I love you all and would willing offer you what resource(s) I had available. However, I would only be able to offer you what is there within the structure of my own family, finances, and personal ability. It is probably not enough, but it is from my genuine heart. I love you.

My opinions on Midland may upset you, and I am sorry. I really am. Please understand that I am caught in a conflicting place; I want the best for you, but I also am bothered by what it costs (in all aspects) to give it to you. Realize please that since I do not live at home, the finance part does not affect me and therefore I can not be envious that so much goes into your schooling, but I am worried about what I see in terms of stress, and what I can imagine for the future in terms of relationships and finances. I want it to all be balanced. Simply spoken, and honestly, I just want it to be balanced for mom and dad. I am not referring to what you have vs what I had or liorah had, or marion had, etc., but what is right now. I want peace in mom and dad's life and it worries me when I see so much of their life right now an internal struggle and an external struggle. That is it: plain, simple, and honest.

I love you.

"Mom! Don't take my picture!" (after pic is taken) "Can I see?" she laughs...


"I am having this much fun Mom!" (arms outstretched)


"Mom, this IS fun!" (isn't he handsome?)


"Did a chicken lay this dad?"


This dog is our new 'neighbor' and Hannah's new best friend
in the whole-wide world. His name is "Dewy".

Got a dose of reality

So...I had this coversation with Mark about a month ago where I said that I felt like I was earning respect from the kitchen cooks because they seemed relaxed, listened to what I said, and genuinely seemed to like me (because they shared personal life stuff with me). Well, all the missing pieces came together last night, and it didn't look like "respect" so much. Sadly.

There is this one particular cook who is a kind-of hard skinned type, and he has been friendly and relaxed with me. So, I thought I was earning respect because I didn't only tell them what I needed, but also jumped in and helped. I thought I had also handled disputes between cooks and other staff fairly well. I also thought he noticed my efforts on the other side of the 'line' and as a matter of fact, last night he was teasing a 'newish' guy and telling him that if he wants to advance he needs to put more effort in his work and than mentioned, "Hey, look at Liz. Do you think she earned where she is by just standing around? She still works like she has some place to go."

Reality check: One of our dishwashers is a young guy in his late teens and he has been talking to me about his girl problems and last night we had a long conversation; I was trying to tell him that he really needs to focus on himself and give the girls his age more time to mature, because otherwise he'll probably just get hurt. At one point in the conversation he asks me if he can confirm something that he heard. Warning me first he than says, "Is it true that you were going to get a divorce?" I stopped sweeping. "What??" I said incredously. "Well, ...(the cook I thought had respect for me) said that you were going to get a divorce and so he had asked you out, but that things got worked out between you and your husband. You know Liz, if you ever date ... I'd have to disown you as a friend." I am standing there with my mouth wide-open in astonishment. I said, "No. ... has never asked me out, and I wouldn't be ready to date ANYONE for a long time if I ever did get separated. Gosh damn! I can not believe he said that." Plus, I can not believe that ... had heard that I was having problems at home. I only spoke with my manager. S...! Rumors fly. Note to self: keep mouth shut to EVERYONE at work.

So, here I was thinking I had earned something leaning on 'respect', but it turns out to be some stupid infatuation thing. I am going to completely ignore it and be less relaxed around him, but I am annoyed on so many different levels. I can not express how annoyed I am.

Another BS story. A week ago or so I had a frustrating night with one of our hosts. I got upset that I kept seeing him stand in the bar chatting with regulars (he is only 17) and I felt like he should have been focusing his time on the restaurant with clearing tables, re-setting, organizing menus, etc. Basically, be doing his job. I talked to him twice about that fact that there were things that needed to be done, and everytime he finished some part of his job he was back in the bar. I began to steam. So, I called the GM and got his back-up for me to have a small conference with this guy. At the end of his shift I invited him into the office and we had a chat. I thought it went pretty well; instead of me telling him what I needed, wanted, etc. I asked questions and let him tell me what he thought I needed, wanted, expected, etc. We than came up with ideas for the future on how to deal with his "boredom" issue and lack of doing things without being told, together. He was tense when he first sat down, but by the end of our conversation he seemed comfortable and willing to make more effort. As a matter of fact, he did much better last night.

Well, I am sitting with another host on Monday night and he asks me if I had heard about what had happened to ... . No I say. He than proceeds to tell me about how this host (the one I talked too) got another arse hole ripped open by ... (another mgr.) and that she cussed him up and down about not working when he is supposed too, etc. I asked when this happened. Thinking, poor ...(host) he got hit by me and ... (mgr), but than the host tells me that it is was the day that I talked to him. I thought for a minute and than said that I had talked to him, but didn't yell at him. And, than the host says that he swears that ...(mgr.) was the one. Really???

Last night I ask ... if ...(mgr) had ever spoke to him about what we talked about last week and he says, "no".

It will serve me very well to keep my mouth shut at work. Very well.

G.M. Restaurant=(click)

Dr. "Counselor", PhD. NCC, LPCC

I met a nice woman today; warm and sincere. She lived in CA for 30 yrs before moving to ND (I'll have to ask why?) and now practices counseling in her home. She told me that ND does not accept PhD in Psychology from other states. Isn't that odd? To qualify as a practicionar you have to take so many hours of ...?, take a few extra classes, and take an all day exam. She decided to just become a LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor). She said that Social Workers are the "in" field, as far as a counseling type of thing. Ugh; I do not want to be a social worker.

Anyway. I gave about as much info as I could in an hour. Afterwards, her response: a sigh. (lol) She said that Jon's death seems to have agitated a lot of things in my life. My response: Yep!

I love you all (family and friends). And I'm leaving you with a pic of Mark's newest handywork. Oh, he went fishing last night and caught sturgeon, catfish, and I think some walleye. He said it was fun. Me? after my two glasses of Mary I slept like a baby.

Is this not Bull-Crap??

So, one of the 3 counselors that I left a message with called me back. I set up an appt, and than I thought, "Do I need a PCP referral letter, even if she says she is covered by BCBS of ND?" Mark suggests that I call the actual member service dept. So I do, and after I talk with the representative, I scream at Mark for a short moment. And than he, looking stunned, gets on his company website to see if they offer any company-direct employee benefit assistance with mental health. Why? Let me share the BC with you.


Under Mark's company coverage plan we are entitled to 30 visits/year (per family) with the first 5 covered 100% for 'In' or 'Out' coverage providers. After that, under 'In' providers we pay $20 per office visit with 10% co-insurance. For 'Out' providers it is $20 per visit with 20% co-ins. I must have a letter of referral from a 'In' provider to be eligible for the 20% coverage plan with an 'Out'.


Under the current plan there are some exclusions, which mean, that if I am seeing a counselor for these things, I will not be covered by our insurance. It will be 100% out-of-pocket expense.
They are:

• Bereavement Counseling
• Martial Dysfunction
• Interpersonal Relationship Issues
• Sex Therapy
• Treatment of Gambling Addiction
• Treatment of Co-Dependency Substance Abuse (relates to anything drug or alochol)
• Psychotherapy
• Nicotine Related Issues
• Special Education or Therapy for learning disabilities or behavioral problems, whether or not, related to anything of mental dysfuntion, disturbance, or retardation.

Does anyone else see the BS factor?

For what reasons, other than what is stated above, would I attend counseling? So, if I am a "normal" person who needs assistance with "normal" issues, I need to pay for them myself. Nice.

Tomorrow I'll talk with the counselor (who is an 'Out') and discover how she gets around this BS.

PS I went to the store and got my Bloody Mary mix stuff. So, after the kids go to bed I'll enjoy either watching a movie, or reading my book, with a nice mild glass of Caesar with pickled baby corn. :)

Me- "Hello. ... I need to make an appt. to see a counselor re: grief and relationship issues. I am a first time client."

Them #1-"I am sorry we are booked until mid-May, we are not taking any more clients." (this is for the ENTIRE MedCenter 1 mental health clinic)

Them #2-"I am sorry we are completely scheduled until late June"

Them #3-"Sorry we are not taking any new clients at this time."

HOLY CRAP! Are there that many unhappy people here?

Or it must be the fact that the stupid insurance companies of ND will not reimburse counselors unless they are MSW (which is not the kind of point of view I want) or have a PhD in Psychology. Basically, if you want a psychotherapist, they have to be real expensive or be a social worker.

__________________________________________


Last night I get off work at a little after 11pm (s.l.o.w night) and want a nice cold draft, or I thought maybe I'd look at trying to make my own Bloody Mary (been liking that spicy tom. thing lately). So I drive by a liq. store and see that they are closed, and than go to another one adjacent to the 24 grocery store and they too are closed, and so I than drive by another liq.store and they TOO are closed. WTF? Basically, for a nice cold draft I'd have to go to some smoke filled dive and pay more than I want, or have nothing at all. I went home. I was driving home and thinking, "I wish I lived in the state where if I wanted a nice draft, or to get the ingredients for a Bloody Mary, all I had to do was go to the local grocery store. It is only 11!"

__________________________________________


Sunday I got to spend some time alone. It was nice. I went towards this state park called Cross Ranch, but ended up stopping at a boat ramp along the way. I laid a sleeping bag on the beach and read a bit of a new book I was loaned. So far the book is really good. Than my restless spirit made me get up and walk upriver. I thoroughly enjoyed skimming the beach for beautiful rocks, and stepping up to the water to peer into the clean, and clear, water. I loved listening to the water as it hit against the shore after a boat went by. Sounded almost like the waves of the ocean. :) Too soon I had to head back and get home to get ready for work. I need more days like that. Maybe make the time longer and take the kids to some far off places; I heard the Turtle Mtns (large hills) are beautiful.

___________________________________________


I hope that everyone is well, and Aunt C...."Thank you very much for the book. It is exactly what I need, and it arrived on exactly the day I needed it. I love you too."

Adios.

This post may offend some. I do not disagree with heaven or anything. I am simply expressing something that I have felt within my spirit. I do not feel like Jon is settled. This is not a bad thing and this is not a wrong thing. This could be just some pain of mine masked as a feeling of "unsettlement". Who knows. I don't. But this grieving process is different for everyone, and it is proceeded through by different ways for everyone. I have no answers, and neither does anyone else at this moment. All I can say is ..."I am feeling a confirmation with my spirit" when it feels like a truth of some sort has been heard by my ears. That statement neither states that a truth has been told, or that what I heard is wrong. It just simply "is".

"Thank you Jon, I would love a stuffed olive."

Dear Jon,

Today I talked with someone who said things to me that seemed to confirm what I have been feeling. It also upset me in a small personal way, but if you read my mind than you know what it is about. However, can you read my mind if your spirit is focused on one thing in one place?

I have never really been mad at you. More hurt than anything, but mainly I think that pain comes from sensing your pain. Still. Love they said covers a multitude of things, but I understand that someone's love cannot always cover pain. No matter how much someone loves you, if you are hurting- that love cannot suffice until you yourself have either forgiven yourself or forgiven another for causing the pain. Very complicated stuff.

This someone talked about how you were struggling with certain things and I feel the confirmation in my spirit; I just never could accept that you were 100% about your decision. I think that at the time you felt it was the right decision, and felt strong when you made it, but I have felt that in some way you later wondered why you did it.

I am feeling very separated Jon. Separated from you, from your spirit, from your love, and from the things that gave you vitality and life when you felt wounded and broken. I also feel separated from those that are still here, because I am out of touch with their presence and can not commune with them. I am not part of conversations, activities, their companionship, etc. I really think that I'd feel more a part of "something" if I could be near what helped make us so knitted together as brother and sister, and also as friends.

Death does funny things. It challenges those who remain living, and it challenges those who have died. It challenges all of us and our framework of idea, truth, and reality. It brings to the surface any doubt, or questions, we may have harbored regarding our faith (i.e religion), our philosophy, and our personal rules for living. No wonder why death is the subject of so many great poetry and prose.

Jon. I do not know how to talk to you. I feel that you are focused somewhere else right now, and that is okay. Sometimes I just want to know I'm being heard vs having it go to the four-winds. :) I accept you and I accept the situation, but please do not leave me out of it. I was not able to help you here, but may I help you now? I know that you need this someone and I accept that because this person is quite something, but if I can not help you...can I help them?

With lots of love, your sis...

Some recent pics

Mom; looking bored because...she is working on this blog for YOU! :)


All the pretty kids gathered around the ice cream cake, is was delicious. (Thanks 'Cold Stone')


Natty got a pretty little ballerina outfit, and she loves it!


Very excited because she got her own little "My Little Pony".


Hannah helping mommy. She likes to wash dishes, wash walls, dust, and vacuum. (Wish she could take out the trash though. *smirking*)


Miss Poser.